I sort of think it's a good idea

[Snow White.]

I want to drink large amounts of alcohol and take all my pills.
I'm home alone tonight and sure I could crochet but that's wasting time I should be studying or I'll get kicked out (see other thread).
Just, maybe if I do this either all the drama will be over or they'll see how much they are ruining me.
When I drove my car close to walls and pulled back last minute, I had the same determination in my eyes when I tried to hang myself.

[sherlock holmes]

Can you ring the helpline? They have been helpful in the past. I think if you are feeling this low and unsafe then its a good idea to stop doing uni work tonight and focus on self soothing. Crocheting sounds awesome!

[Snow White.]

Thank you Sarah. I think you're right. I've been sleeping all night (it's 7pm) so I think I'll just get up and crochet and watch something nice instead of be miserable in bed.

Someone else had posted a reply here that really touched me, but they seem to have deleted it. I was groggy from sleep when I saw it so don't remember the username, but please if you posted here and deleted it your reply meant so much to me. I felt safe and cared for so I went back to sleep without harming myself with the intention of replying when I woke up, I'm very sorry I missed your post. Thank you for taking the time to write it, you had some good points I would have gladly answered for you.

The urges in my original post are far less strong now.

[tiptoes]

Sorry that you are having a rough night. Getting up and watching something nice sounds like a good idea.

Thinking of you x

[Snow White.]

I might just keep drinking and see how it goes. See how I feel. I can't see myself getting through this tough time.

[crazykat]

I am glad the urges have lessened, please do ring someone if they get hard to manage again. It's okay to not focus on uni for tonight, your life is more important. Do some self-soothing, take care of you for tonight. Hold on there, you will make it through this.

EDIT: I should have refreshed, didn't realise you had posted again. Please put away the alcohol that is going to just hinder your ability to make the right decisions and also put you more at risk. Don't add to the pain you are already feeling.

[Snow White.]

I can't handle being a sexual assault victim.

[tiptoes]

I agree with Kat, please don't keep drinking.

What would help you tonight? Help with self soothing or helping you challenge some of these thoughts?

[Snow White.]

I don't know. I'm still crocheting. I feel like if I stop working on this blanket then I'll be at risk of finding all my pills. But finding all my pills would be stupid because they're unlikely to kill me and I'd go to the hospital emergency department where my girlfriend is currently working.

[crazykat]

Please remember that doesn't define who you are. Yes you were assualted but your not a victim, your a survivor. Your also a daughter, a sister, A lady gaga fan, a uni student, a unicorn lover, a beautiful person, a great friend...really I could go on. My point is you are so much more don't let it destroy you, don't let it be all that you are.

These feelings won't go away right now but they also can't hurt you, maybe it is about just letting them be. What can you do instead to nurture yourself tonight?

[Epicene]

You can PM me any time you like if you want to chat about anything in more detail. I believe you can stay safe and get through this; you are a survivor, not a victim.

[Snow White.]

That is sweet, thank you Kat I really appreciate it.

You make a good point about letting them be. I could keep on crocheting until I fall asleep. In fact I could take the needle and yarn to bed for easy going-to-bed safety, instead of needing to go later.

[crazykat]

That sounds like a good plan, keep talking to us here if it would help. Also I am happy to talk to you on facebook, PM or even happy to PM you my number if it would help to talk to someone.

[tiptoes]

That sounds like a good idea. xx

Echo-ing others here if you want to talk PM/Email me.

[Snow White.]

Thanks Kat. I'm thinking of logging on to lifeline chat but have to wait until after midnight.
I'm not so sure what to do until then. I feel like I need to break this down, I'm going to go to bed. I need to shower but maybe that can wait for the morning. I need to clean the table up but that feels too much given I've been drinking and I'm tired.

[crazykat]

I hope you can talk to them soon. Leave the table for tonight if it is too much. You are doing good, just little bit by little bit you will get there

[Snow White.]

I've made it to bed at least, though I'll have to get out to brush my teeth but I'm chatting to the lifeline counsellor. I left the table but put away a drink - better than nothing.

Thanks for being here with me.

[crazykat]

I hope they are helpful, am proud of you for taking these steps.

[Snow White.]

Thanks.

They talked me through my problems which was annoying to rehash. But I googled overdosing on the medication I have and it seems difficult for it to be lethal. I think I'm going to have to do some planning.

[crazykat]

It doesn't sound like it was all that helpful. Have you ever tried http://suicideline.org.au/ I have found them really helpful. Do you think you will be able to keep safe tonight?