I'm really tired so I'm not sure this is going to make sense, but appreciate it anyone reads it, I'll try and make it brief.
I've been suicidal and my mood lifted recently (possibly to a mania-type state but that is being assessed next week). There was no reason to lift, and it doesn't really feel authentic, I just don't feel as low as I did.
But I'm starting to get back down and.. I welcome it. My responsibilities are starting to grind on me, I miss my grandma a lot and I feel I never really gave suicide a fair go in my recent depressed state.
I guess, I don't want to get better. I want to kill myself. So all my behaviours are trying to take me out of any elevated mood and get me low enough to a point where I'll kill myself. Maybe even one where I am still impulsive so I can go through this it.
I'm not in the greatest place right now but I had to respond to your thread. I'll try and make it as helpful as possible.
I'm so sorry things are feeling so desperate right now.
I know things are so hard, but please don't give up, you have so much to live for. I don't want you to give suicide a better chance, you deserve more, so much more than this.
Who knows maybe when you get assessed they can give you the right treatment, that would be fantastic.
I'm sorry you miss your grandma so much, did you set up a little table for her like you were going to?
Please hold on Aimee, I know it's so hard. But it does get better. I promise.
Take gentle care and stay safe
I will check back later
Chels I don't have any support for the weekend but my Dad is popping home so that should help. And Ash, you're right, if there's a change in treatment that might be helpful. I think that is what I am holding out for. I'm hoping she'll agree with my psychologist that the mania symptoms will require mood stabilisers or at least some sort of treatment. I like the feeling of not sleeping but I know it's not helping my school work and I just get angry with myself.
(I don't mean to diagnose myself, I'm just frustrated with these feelings).
I know things are hard for you Ash so thanks for taking the time to write such a great reply, appreciate it a great deal. You look after yourself, too :)
And yes, I did set up a little table. Thank you for remembering and asking. I went to her grave and made it really pretty too. I made a love heart out of flowers. And I took a flower that was there and put it on my table with my other dried roses.
Thanks again for reading, listening, caring and responding, both you you lovely people x
I sorry you feel like this. You have pretty much described my mood/situation right now. It is so horrible so the though that someone else feel like this too is really sad.
I'm not sure what advice to give you because if I had it I would be doing it myself but I guess I just wanted to leave some love and thoughts and understanding and hope that you feel better soon.
You are always so supportive to everyone else so you deserve ALL the love and support.
Pm me if you wanna rant or talk thinks though.
Betty xxxx
The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.
Call me Kate.
I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.
I was wondering if it would be possible if you don't want to do or feel better right now, to simply accept your lowering mood and the suicidal impulses? I know that may sound really stupid because why would anyone want to accept feeling like crap right?!....and I understand how unbelievably hard it is to sit and think suicidal/impulsive thoughts without acting on them...but it sounds to me like the depression monster is whispering to you these thoughts/feelings rather than it being the real you. It sounds to me that the real you wants to get better in that you are seeking further advice and treatment. So is it possible to make a distinction between it all? I know that won't make it any easier, and I understand how overwhelming it is at times to have such powerful impulsive urges, but may be it will help you retain abit of yourself as you undergo these rapid mood swings? That can't be easy. I hope I've made sense!
Thanks CagedBird, I understand what you mean. I do think there is a distinction between what the real me wants and what depression is whispering - the hopeless sort of thoughts.
I keep feeling like I want to self-harm. And I really want to binge but I know I'm already disgustingly overweight and unhealthy. But at least binging doesn't leave scars and ruin my nearly four years free. But they're both equally unhelpful. Maybe I need to conceptualise binging in the same way I do cutting so I won't do it. But binging makes me feel happy when I'm so... nothing, else, otherwise.
I don't even remember updating this. I tried not to binge but photos triggered me on facebook and I fucking did, I feel sick and disgusting and I have to work tomorrow. I never binge before work, and I know I have to get to bed now.
Sorry, this is pointless, cause I'll just go to bed, get up, work, then go to uni and do my test and hopefully, hopefully my psychiatrist can help me on Thursday. I feel so so ill.
Anytime you need to get in touch, please feel free too. Even if you don't feel you can talk about what is going on for you, I would be more than happy to keep you company and distract you - or at least try my best too :)
I'm so sorry to hear how rubbishy things are for you and how ill you are feeling. I hope that you have been able to get some sleep now <3
I'm really sorry this is such a lame reply just wanted to let you know that I think you are an amazing, amazing person and I care very much for you.
Its not pointless to post, its good for you. Writing is good, its getting things out
even if its only in a small way.
I'm sorry i dont have any words of wisdom or advice. But i wanted to let you know i really understand.... like i could actually have written your post.
I guess i just want to say hang in there, because i enjoy seeing your posts around and you've been a good support to me. I like you and i like having you around xx
You are all so sweet, thank you. These replies mean a lot to me <3
Chels; I've made plans for tomorrow and Wednesday and will make more I expect for Tuesday. I wanted to cancel my lunchdate tomorrow but after reading your reply I realise it's a good idea to keep it and keep busy. Thank you x
Lottie, thank you I appreciate it a lot, it was a really helpful reply and I appreciate the offer of chats and distraction.
Shrink, thank you sweet :) I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing but I feel the same about you and enjoy seeing you around, so stick around, we'll get through this together x
My exgirlfriend has gone back to venting on facebook about me breaking up with her (months ago), which adds to the guilt. Time to put her on ignore. And it seems I can never escape people in relationships, either, which isn't helpful. But I worked today and I'm so so tired, been watching a movie so pretty safe tonight. Thanks again xx
*hugs*, I'm glad you're doing a little bit better. I'm sorry you had to binge, I know how disgusting it feels after that :( I'm glad you managed to do something nice and productive for yourself tonight, like watching a film. I know I'm not being particularly helpful, but I guess I just wanted to let you know I cared - I don't think we've spoken before but I've seen you around, and you're so supportive I think you deserve some hugs!
So, *more hugs*,
Ailsa x
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
Glad to hear you are keeping busy. It sounds like that is helpful at the moment. Just don't burn yourself out either.
Sorry to hear about your ex-girlfriend on Facebook. I think putting her on ignore is a great idea. I agree with what Severus said, they are exes for a reason. So try not to feel too guilty, a big ask I know. But you don't deserve or need to feel guilty.
What did you mean by you can never escape people in relationships? I didn't quite understand that bit.
Glad you are watching a movie and keeping safe. Good on you.
Ash I just mean seems a lot of my friends are in relationships and rubbing it in how amazing it is sometimes. But on the whole I don't mind being single so its okay.
I feel amazing today, so, yeah. This thread is silly now! I'm going to colour my hair so i can be bright again. Seems ridiculous now I'm seeing my psychiatrist Thursday. But I've been waiting all month so not cancelling!
Bumblebumblebumble.
Fire alarm went off at the shopping centre today, it was so loud. I dont want my psychiatrist to medicate me any more, I'm too sunny. And that's good.
Hey, I can't think of much more to add to what has already been said but I have seen your posts and your so supportive to other people so I thought I would leave some hugs.
*hugs*
Kate x
One of these days, your heart, will stop, and play it's final beat..
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not - Kurt Cobain
Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.
Thank you all so so much. I really appreciate the hugs and kind words x
I stupidly told my mum about seeing my psychiatrist Thursday to be reassessed for a bipolar-spectrum disorder. Fucking stupid idea cause I'm just faking and nothing is wrong with me, right? She didn't say anything buy called me after 10pm to tell me that all young women get mood swings due to hormones etc. I feel like an idiot and I hate worrying her to. Should keep my big mouth shut!
You are not an idiot for wanting to tell your mother about that. It's very understandable that you did, even though she might not understand.
You're not faking, and I find you incredibly brave to be actually going to your psychiatrist to get reassessed. You're a wonderful person from what I have gathered and deserve to be helped as much as you can be.
I hope everything goes well on thursday and that you get the help you deserve and need.
She didn't say anything buy called me after 10pm to tell me that all young women get mood swings due to hormones etc.
I'm sorry I had to laugh at this because it is true in a sense isn't it?! I don't mean to suggest you don't have difficulties not linked to the usual hormonal mood swings because you obviously do, but it made me smile because it made me think how much of a spectrum emotions/moods are!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snow White.
I'm too sunny. And that's good.
I like that you are having a sunny day, from your earlier posts you were really struggling and it sounds like a bit of light relief.
I wonder have you done a mood diary or anything for your appt on thursday because I was thinking this thread could help 'remind' you if you are on a 'sunny' day when you go that things can get quite 'cloudy' at times and stop you from potentially not explaining it all accurately. Just a thought.
Thank you all I appreciate it, and its all very good points.
Im a bit less, hurt?, now as I know you're right chels nobody wants their child having a mental illness, especially one they don't understand. I also realised that while telling my mum I didn't tell her much of my symptoms because in embarrassed so she had little to work with.
I've been keeping track of my moods on my phone for a month, ranking my symptoms. It gives me a graph :) also have a letter from the psychologist with symptoms she wants me too discuss, and an embarrassing letter I wrote when I was 'up'... that one might not make it out.
Not long to go anyway, appointment is tomorrow, finally.
Thanks all again SO SO much for your kind and reassuring words xx
