I feel really overwhelmed and anxious by POSITIVE things!

[kurayami]

I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Issues

University: I received an offer from my local university. I've enrolled and have to officially complete the enrollment tomorrow. Getting a placement at uni is good, but I feel really anxious about it. I'm applying for credit because I completed units in 2010 and 2011 I can use to take some units off my degree. I might be able to reduce the length of my degree by as much as 12 months. But I'll be happy even if I can get something like 6 months off the degree.

New Romance: I met this nice guy and I violated my own rules by having sex with him the first time that we met, but that said -- it just felt right and I don't regret it. He was gentle, affectionate and attentive which is exactly what I needed. We're going out again on Friday for dinner and then back to his place to hang out. I'm really looking forward to it. But I'm feeling pretty vulnerable. I had a conversation with S over MSN and I asked him for some pretty simple details, I asked for his surname. Then there was this whole song and dance. S wanted to know my motivations for asking for that detail. This was triggering for me, when I started dating my rapist (gee, that sounds weird, but hindsight is 20/20, right?) he refused to give me his surname too. He said to me "I'm not going to give you my last name, only psycho freaky chicks want details like that and I don't need any fucking stalkers" or something to that effect.

I had such a total knee jerk/freak out reaction to S' apparent unwillingness to give identifying details that I said "The last guy I was seeing who refused to give me his surname was motivated by the fact that lack of details would make it harder for me to report him to the police. So identifying details are kind of important to me now." and I went on to explain very briefly about what happened to me. S didn't seem to know what to say, aside from "That's mildly fucked up". He went on to explain the reason for his reluctance which was that "...women get weird and freaky, jealous and crazy. In other words, the only reason people want a surname nice and early is for things like research. Also stereotyping is a common reason: take surname, look at ethnic background, make assumptions. Now I'm not accusing you of any of these things, but now you know my thought processes!"

I was a bit concerned by this, and of course I understand that everyone has their own baggage and whatnot but it did bother me. In case you are curious, after all of this he did give me his surname. If I'm feeling brave on Friday I'll pick his brain about it and see what's causing to behave in such an overly cautious manner. As for my disclosure, I'm anxious about it. I didn't want to disclose at such an early juncture but my anxiety got the better of me and I just freaked out and felt the best way to overcome that anxiety was to put it out there. I'm frightened now that S will get an inkling of how screwed up I am and run in the other direction. >.<

Home life: My brother (whom I live with) is still waiting for his Filipino wife to lodge her visa application, he refuses to do anything to prepare for her arrival because he's got that whole "I'll deal with it when it happens" attitude. I know I can't change it, but it makes me anxious.

Eating Disorder: I'm making good strides in recovery, but I still want to engage in behaviours and still am to some extent. I keep coming back to ED when I'm really stressed. Just that few minutes of distraction and relief from anxiety that it gives is almost worth it. I know it's hurting me in the long term, after engaging in behaviours this afternoon, I had a hot shower and almost passed out while having conversation with my brother afterward.

Counsellor: Rochelle and I are going to start working through some of the emotions related to trauma, she feels that by placing the anxiety that I channel into food back onto the abuse I suffered I can deal with that because I don't really have any issues with food per se. I just focus my obsessiveness on food because if I didn't I'd be obsessing about the trauma. So Rochelle has asked me to think about why I feel the need to punish myself and come back to her next week with some answers. I'm avoiding thinking about it -- but I know I need to.

Finances: I haven't worked since June 2010 partly because I've been studying at university and partly because I've been struggling with flare ups in my PTSD, ED and such. The bank are harassing me about my credit card, but I can't pay it off. I've lodged a complaint with the Financial Ombudsman Service, but I really just want it to go away. I feel like I just can't deal with this in conjunction with everything else that's happening in my life.

So I'm feeling really overwhelmed, I feel like I have too much on my plate and I'm confused as to how I can start to manage these things. I'd really appreciate some help if anyone can provide it!

[talaiporia]

Hey. Well, you certainly seem to have a lot going on at the moment.

University: Starting uni is scary, but remember the reasons you applied; being able to get a better job, doing something you enjoy. It will be worth it in the long run.

New Romance: Eek. Well, that sounds complicated. To be honest, you've been through a horrible experience, and I don't think it's too much to ask to know this new guy's name. It does certainly sound like this guy has his own issues too. How do you feel about the relationship now?

Home life: Wow. That's a big change. To be honest, these things do take a long time (a friend recently married an American) so he does have a while before things need to be sorted. That said, I understand that it must be making you anxious with his reluctance to deal with the situation.

Eating Disorder: It's important to remember that 'slipping up' is an important part of recovery, and happens to all of us. Could you talk to Rochelle?

Counsellor: Ah. That sounds interesting, I can't say it's something I've heard of before, but it certainly sounds like an interesting technique. Why do you feel the need to punish yourself? Lots of us have different reasons - feeling we've done something bad, or in my case (violent father) I would harm myself after he was violent to make it okay (as if two wrongs make a right).

[talaiporia]

Finances: I don't know about how nice your bank is (I'm guessing you're USA?) but my mother worked for a bank from 1975 til about 2006, and she dealt with a lot of 'customer service' things like when customers were overdrawn, and she'd always do her best to help them if she could and they explained their situation.

I know that when we've been short she's gone into the bank (UK) and explained and they've extended her overdraft for her. It might be worth talking to the bank, and explaining it and seeing what they say. There are real people who work there, and they do have souls. While they can't fix everything, they might be able to make an arrangement (and they are supposed to offer you a way to pay the money back in an affordable way).

Seeing as you're a student with MH issues, they might be a bit more lenient. Do you have an overdraft? It might be easier to pay off the credit card with the overdraft/extend the overdraft and close the credit card, or agree to pay off £x a week. They might also be able to freeze interest and stuff if they're being really sympathetic.

(feel free to PM me if you have any questions)

[PassedExpectations]

i think that most people would be anxious with all that going on.

and with the thing about university... just with my personality, i know that i'm going to get anxious about it even if i got a full scholarship for my top school. cause i know that i get anxious about pretty much any big change (and lots of small ones as well).

how are you doing?

with an ed, and lots of other things, relapses often happen. we don't want them to, but it is part of the natural process of getting better.

[crazykat]

It's understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed you have alot going on for you. Starting university is a big change and is often scary for many people but you won't be alone in the way your feeling. Try and remember your reasons for applying to uni and use that as motivation to keep you going. As for the new relationship it's understandable your feeling vulnerable especially given past circumstances. I don't think your asking too much by wanting to know this guys surname either. If this guy does care about you he will not run from you and if he does he honestly isn't worth your time.

Have you spoken to your brother about how his reluctance makes you feel somewhat anxious? Try not to worry to much though as these things do take time. It's important to remind yourself although you may have slipped up in regards to your eating disorder you have still made some really important steps to recovery so it doesn't take away your hard work. However do talk it through with your counsellor, that way you can stay on top of things so they don't continue to spiral.

Sounds like your working through some difficult issues with your counsellor and while it may be hard now remember that it will be worth it in the end. I agree with talaiporia in regards to your financial situation, it is worth a shot at speaking to the bank. Take care
Kat xxx