Fuck fuck fuck. I will reply to you guys when I gt home. But fuck.
What do I do. I'm so, so scared.
Jenna told my care coordinator things. Which I know she did out of love and concern. And I feel lucky to have a friend who cares that much. Only now my CC called and my psychiatris wants to see me. I can't do it. I can't talk about him. They're gonna want to know things that I can say and ask me questions I'll be too afraid to answer. They don't get that if I talk, I put people in danger. I have to keep quiet. If I make a sound, I risk such terrible things.
Its on Wednesday. And I feel so anxious. I don't even know everything you said, Jenna love, I don't know what they will make me talk about. I don't want to talk. It's not worth it. I'd rather spend my life like this than risk people getting hurt. It's a fair sacrifice I think. I'm one person, my pain is nothing compared to the pain so many more could feel.
I don't know what to do. So frightened.
Last edited by Bellatrix : 08-03-2012 at 12:31 PM.
Oh, Jodie love. I'm so sorry I don't have the words right now, but please just try and be honest with them? Can I ask exactly why people will get hurt if you talk?
At the moment, I think you really need to focus on yourself and getting yourself better. I know you are trying to keep others safe and look after them, but you can't really look after anyone at the moment while you're struggling so much. Please try and let people in. Try and let people look after YOU a bit more. You deserve to be cared for and loved. And I know what Jenna did has terrified you, but like you said, it's because she cares and loves you. Maybe talk to her about exactly what she said so you can feel more prepared?
I love you Jodie, I hope you know we all do. <3
Sorry if my words aren't making much sense O.o
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
Thanks Nic, and I got your card today. It really means the world to me that you sent that <3 I will reply when I'm able. I have a nice card ready.
People always get hurt if I talk. If I'd kept my mouth shut about stuff that happened when I was younger none of my family would have been hurt. The only reason Katy managed not to get hurt too was because I kept quiet. If Id have made noise and she'd woken up... god I'd rather die than that have happened. She's too precious to have been put through that. All my life it's been 'keep quiet or else'. I just can't risk the repercussions of talking. It's too much.
This is a rhetorical question. But I have been diagnosed with BPD (+AN/PTSD/Depression) what the fuck will this make them add on? No one believes he's real but me. They're either lying to me or he's good at blending in. What will my psychiatrist say? =/
I'm not supposed to talk about it.
Jenna said she'd let me know <3 I know she did this out of love I'm just scared. No one was ever supposed to find out. I was stupid for telling her. I don't remember telling... but I must have. And that was stupid of me and if she ever gets hurt it will be my fault. I'm already terrified He is making her ED/SI urges worse. Eh.
I feel like I want to die, but I'm too hyper and bouncy and oijgedkjgrkegnk to focus enough.
Jodie love, I can't say more then Nic has said - but I really am glad that Jenna is looking out for you. You are an amazingly wonderful and kind person and you deserve so much more then this. <3 I really hope you are able to be honest with them - because truly you continuing like this and not being here in the future would be more devestating to those who love you then you can imagine. Much love xx
I don't know the full story of whats going on so excuse the ignorant reply.
But I have massive issues with speaking as well, being afraid I'm going to hurt someone (even professionals) and if I keep quiet then everyone is safe. But it's not true. These people can look after themselves and are there to hear this sort of thing, honestly. Plus they've heard it all before. People are naturally quite selfish (professionals included) so they could leave if they wanted or couldn't handle it.
Whats the worst that could happen if you opened up a little more and said what was going on? Can Jenna come to your psych appointment if that would helpful?
And what happened wasn't your fault although again, I relate to feeling like it was.
Jodie <3
I will summon the concentration to construct a PM to you now, to let you know what your CC and I discussed.
Sweetheart, talking doesn't put anyone in danger. Talking helps, in the end. Dr A and N will help you to understand more about what's going on in your head, and that's why He is so insistent that you shouldn't talk, because he likes having that power over you. He likes to lie to you to keep you living in fear and to isolate from the people you love. He doesn't have the power he claims to have, and he can't hurt me or anyone else. We both know why I'm a giant ball of woe at the moment, and it's nothing to do with your gentleman. I've been in your room when He's there, and he didn't hurt me. Even when I was alone with Him, he didn't do anything.
You said that nobody believes he's real. I believe that he's real. I 100% believe that you see him and that he scares you and intimidates you into doing things. But in terms of actual physical existence, no, I don't think he's there. Only because I've been there when he's there and I haven't seen him. I know it's fucking terrifying and pretty much impossible to try to reconcile yourself with this thought, but I think He is real only inside your mind. Which is good news in a way, because with therapy and medication, you'll learn to ignore, challenge and eventually get rid of him.
You don't have to spend your life like this. It's a massive leap of faith, but please please try to trust me. Talking about him will help make him go away in the end, and no one is going to get hurt if you do. I promise. You are worth so much, and you don't deserve to suffer in silence with this.
I don't know exactly how your family were impacted when you spoke up about what was going on when you were a child, but you were absolutely right to talk. You were subjected to abuse, and it had to stop. You were right to speak out.
As for what happened at the hotel, staying quiet to protect Katy was the most selfless thing ever, but you have to believe that often the 'or else' in 'keep quiet or else' is an empty threat that people use to scare you.
Wednesday is Jenna and Jodie's bumper day of adventures (i.e. pets at home and asda and oxford street, [yes, we're living life on the edge...]), so I'll come with you to the appointment and try to reassure you beforehand, and I promise I won't speak to Dr A. I will sit quietly in the waiting room and behave myself.
I want to let you know Jodie that I love you and I really hope the psychs help you. I'm so glad you and Jenna have each other, it makes my heart go all warm and fuzzy :)
Thinking of you always
Cuddles and glitter
xoxox
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I don't think they will add anything to your diagnosis but it will help them know what kind of treatments will help your PTSD. These feeling also fit in with bpd diagnosis too.
You appear to have a lot of paranoia assosiated with you PTSD but also some trust issues which could come under the bpd diagnosis.
I think that telling the will most likely confirm your diagnosis rather than change it? Do you think it shouldbe changed?
I think it will be good for you to get this out. Sometimes talking about it can lessen the stress.
You have talked about him a lot here (not in detail but you have still mentioned how you feel about him/the situation) and nothing bad has happened. This is, technically, a more public area than your psychs office. So basically talking to your psych will have no bad effect if talking here has had no bad effect. Could you think about it like that maybe?
Is there a difference between talking here or talking in your psych office?
Sorry for all the questions just trying to understand. Xxx
Edit: just re-read this I feel like it could be taken the wrong way. Please understand that I am just trying to understand how you can feel so I can hopefully help. I have never had feeling like your describe so just want to get a better idea of how you feel. You know I love you lots xxx
Last edited by Ballerina123 : 08-03-2012 at 11:21 PM.
It seems like you're having a tough time, if you try to be as honest as you can with them they can help you more. I think your friend Jenna is trying really hard to help you out of concern.
Jodie I know you don't know me but I watched a film with Helena BC in today and I thought of you and wanted to reply.
Good choice! Which film?
Quote:
Originally Posted by when.will.it.end
Whats the worst that could happen if you opened up a little more and said what was going on?
The worst thing? The things that happened to me and worse could happen to them. People could die or get hurt. Or he could hurt me, which scares me, even though I know I'm likely to deserve it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Narcissa
You don't have to spend your life like this. It's a massive leap of faith, but please please try to trust me. Talking about him will help make him go away in the end, and no one is going to get hurt if you do. I promise. You are worth so much, and you don't deserve to suffer in silence with this.
Wednesday is Jenna and Jodie's bumper day of adventures (i.e. pets at home and asda and oxford street, [yes, we're living life on the edge...]), so I'll come with you to the appointment and try to reassure you beforehand, and I promise I won't speak to Dr A. I will sit quietly in the waiting room and behave myself.
Love you <3
Thank you so much for PMing me, and for this reply. It means a lot. You don't have to come with my to the shrink, but i will come on the Day of Adventure afterwards.
It means a lot that you keep telling me I don't deserve it. It makes me question the thoughts that are so imprinted. Like, makes me wonder why you would keep saying it when I don't think it's true. Makes me wonder if you're maybe not lying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ballerinabetty
Do you think it shouldbe changed?
No. I don't want any more labels or medications or stupid box ticking. I just want them to stop telling me things are wrong with me.
Quote:
Is there a difference between talking here or talking in your psych office?
Sorry for all the questions just trying to understand. Xxx
Yeah, there is. Online is impersonal and non-verbal. There's always been a big difference to me between saying things aloud and writing them down. It's why I've always kept a journal of some sort, and why much of my 'serious' communication with the ED psychologist was through letters. I feel safer that way because I am able to word things carefully and not say anything that will either make him mad or annoy the person I am with. On here, it doesn't ahve to be 'me' who writes. Like, you all know it is, but there's no actual proof it was me, whereas if I said something aloud, it came directly from me. I also hold a belief that he cannot read this. He knows me and my thoughts but even if he could read it, I'm not telling anyone who can stop him. I think he finds it amusing that I am able to 'write' things out, but too scared to actually admit to anything in real life. I don't know. I'm waffling.
I'm so exhausted for some reason but I'm not able to sleep. I keep being self destructive because if I'm engaging in behaviours, all my senses are occupied and there's nothing left to feel the fear.
Love you millions, Jodie.
Going to write you more letters <3
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
hey, i dont know you but i just wanted to let you know i will be thinking about you.
i know how hard abuse anniversaries can be and i know its hard but try and doing something completely unrelated and something that will make you smile. maybe plan a day trip with friends or something.
im here if you want to talk.
*hugs*
x
Jodie, sweetheart, can you try and look at it a bit more realistically? If you talk, that won't be connected to anything that happens to anybody else. You talking will hopefully help you. Think about it, we're all saying you do NOT deserve anything bad. Why on Earth would we all lie to you. We love you and we care and only want what's best. Please try and believe that. Just believe that we care and wouldn't lie to you. We are all individuals but we still feel the same. I'm sorry if this isn't making sense >.<
What I'm trying to say is that you talking and getting support isn't going to cause harm to people. He's not real any more and can't hurt you and you do NOT deserve that. You never did and it was NEVER your fault.
<3
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
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