Ambivalence

[Ghostface]

I feel so torn! Like on one hand I panick because i realize how much my body is hurting and that I need to get healthier ASAP...I feel like I can't do this anymore, that I really should commit to recovery and say yes to being hospitalized. But then, on the other hand I feel like I'm not really ill. That it doesn't really matter anyway...I just need to get a little bit skinnier. Ill survive somehow, I always do. I'm not ready to recover 100% and I'm scared to recover. At the same time theres nothing I want more than recovery! To start living and not just surviving! I'm really confused. Maybe it's not that serious, maybe I should carry on...Maybe I don't need it. But I DO need it, don't I?

[finding.my.wings]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghostface

I'm not ready to recover 100% and I'm scared to recover. At the same time theres nothing I want more than recovery! To start living and not just surviving! I'm really confused. Maybe it's not that serious, maybe I should carry on...Maybe I don't need it. But I DO need it, don't I?

To be honest i dont think anyone is 100% ready to recover. I know im not- so please dont feel alone there. Being scared too is nomalr becasue its a steppping out of teh life you currrenty know and embarking upon an unknown. Im really proud of you for have the guts to admit that you are torn. Many people -myself included- find it hard to admit this. i really want to highlight this line for you... "theres nothing I want more than recovery"..... hold on to this, make a big note and stick it somewhere that you will see daily. Keep it as a reminder for when you're having a hard time.

Somewhere inside of yourself you know that this is serious, you know that you need to be in hospital, and you know that you cant carry on like this because ultimately it will cause you to die. I know this is harsh and im deeply to sorry to be the one to tell you it But you cant let the anorexia/ed win. You wouldn't be even contemplating the decision of hospitalization if you were happy to let the anorexia take you. Keep fighting hunnie, go into hospital because you need it, you need to be well, You want to live and have the life you can only dream of.

[Ghostface]

Thanks <3 I needed to hear that! I had an appointment at the hospital today and I basically told her everything, and we agreed that I will probably never feel 100%(or close to) ready and that I might as well start recovering NOW and not tomorrow or next month:P I have a new appointment in 2 days and we're gonna set a date for when I'm gonna be hospitalized(probably in a few weeks) and start working and preparing for it!

[NeverBetter]

sorry low on words hun but good luck alot of people are behind you and belive u can do it