Hey guys, thanks so much for all the support. It really does mean heaps.
I hate to say that I didnt go yet
I really did have every intention of going. I really badly wanted too. But I got too scared.
See Ive been struggling with just being in this bad bad place since I was 13. My school eventually found out about my self harm, and I saw the school counsellor. & she kept pushing me for what was it, what was it making me so miserable. and I told her I was just upset about my aunty that died. Because that seemed a logical reason. But in truth I didnt know, I really didnt know why I felt so awful. And Ive only just figured it out. Nearly ten years later. I now know what my problem is.
I went away travelling for a year. and I had my issues still, I hate to admit I self harmed in the sydney opera house toilets, so I still had problems, but I was SO much happier in comparison to my life here.
But when I got back to the uk, and moved back in to my parents house to help care for my dad whos ill, I realised after a couple of weeks, why ive been so miserable for so long.
I always knew my Mother and I had a bad relationship. But I realise now, its an abusive relationship. She comes in to my room in the night and wakes me up to start shouting at me. So I cant sleep well cos im always on edge. She threatens me. She throws me out the house frequently and wont let me even stop to collect my things. She makes bold untrue statements to me, then denies that she ever says them, says Im making it up, insists so much that I start to question my own sanity. She tells me Im selfish, and a lier, and rude, and stupid etc constantly.
I came across the term 'emotional abuse' and since I came across the term I realised that everything fits. Everything she does fits the description. and many of my problems match up to it too. I never thought of how she was to me as abuse, because she only gets physical with me now and again, its not all the time.
But now I know what she does, as much as I havnt said it out loud yet because I dont know I just cant, but what she does fits this term of emotional abuse.
And I can see now that without realising it Ive been asking for help for a long time. Ive told friends and exes how im upset cos my mother did this, or did that, and I think without realising it for a long time Ive wanted somebody to say to me that its not okay, that how she treats me is not okay. But because shes so manipulative about it,nobody else sees it, so nobody has ever pulled me aside and told me its not okay. And I think Ive wanted, no needed, since I was 13, somebody to reinforce my inkling that I dont necessarily deserve to be thrown down the stairs, or kicked out the house, or shouted and screamed at til Im curled up in a ball on the floor crying.
So I think I need to look for help in the right place this time, by going to the doctor, asking for counselling, and then, even though im really scared, and stupidly Im frightened of getting my mother in any trouble, I think I need to tell somebody the truth. I think I need to tell someone every last horrible way shes treated me for the last ten years, get it out my system, have someone validate this feeling I have that maybe I should of been treated a little bit better, before Im ever going to be able to get better.
Because I so desperately want to be better.
But I know its going to be so hard to do. Because theres still this part of me that believes what she says. That I make things up. That I only get what I deserve. That I lie. That I dont realise how much worse things could be for me. That I ask for everything I get. Theres still a bit of me that doubts myself, that thinks maybe shes right, maybe its all in my head.
And that part of me makes going to the doctor and asking for help really really really hard.
