Hmmmmm

[Cacoethes]

Just that it seems to be growing faster

[Lauren93]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cacoethes

That's not dumb

I do feel the same way.
I should have known ages ago when I started feeling sick all the time.

Have you considered that feeling sick could be related to not eating enough?
If you’ve been restricting your food intake for such a long time it bound to catch up with you physically the longer it carries on. For example I just found this about not eating and feeling sick.

“To help break down food, your stomach produces hydrochloric acid. If you don't eat for a long period of time, that acid can build up in your stomach and potentially lead to acid reflux and nausea. An empty stomach may also trigger hunger pangs.”

[Cacoethes]

I suppose it could be

Most of the time I feel too sick to eat
But I guess it could be a bit of a vicious circle
I find it easier to eat at work because I'm more distracted.
At home I feel like I think about it too much

[Cacoethes]

Kinda talked about this is my rv but I would like opinions please.

I didn't see Jasmine last week.
I told my mum I had a lot to do and couldn't do it on Sunday because I was working.
But that wasn't really true. Because i didn't start work until 6 on sunday. So had the whole day.
I love Jasmine very, very much. But not only could I not face her, knowing I have her half brother/sister inside me and that being the devil's child, I also don't think I could manage the journey. I usually don't think twice about the journey. I do it pretty much every week with no issues at all. I do it almost automatically now.
But I can't even open my front door without freaking out. Let alone do a 2 hour journey on 2 buses. Plus the waiting for said buses. I just....can't.
I used to do a way worse journey when she was in care. And I did that every day with no issue.
I have never had this problem before. I've never had a problem with going to see her. Annoyed at the journey length maybe but its never stopped me going.
I feel like such an awful, awful mother.
Why am I having such a block?

[Ahimsa]

Hi Beckie,

Maybe a stupid questions but worth asking anyway. For logics sake, have you done a pregnancy test?

[Cacoethes]

No. It wouldn't show up on one.
But I have to do one before my contraceptive depot on Wednesday anyway

[Iamcatbug]

Hiya Beckie,

It doesn’t make you a bad mother at all. And looking through your RV and other posts in here, it isn’t the only time you’ve been scared to go out recently. You were hesitant to go to work the other day, and scared to walk home from work. To be honest it sounds like you are finding the outside world dangerous to be in an that is why you couldn’t make the journey to see Jasmine.

Do you think this is something you could maybe discuss with your CPN?

[Cacoethes]

Thank you Cat
You're right, I am finding the outside world dangerous

I think so
I could try to bring it up tomorrow
Depending on the direction of the meeting
I don't know if it's literally just going to be the crisis team handing me over or if we will discuss stuff

[Cacoethes]

A memory came up on fb.
In 2011, a nurse told me the meds don't work because everything I experience is real.
And I just need to 'say jesus'. And then started shouting 'say jesus' at me as I was walking away.
I'm not religious. I don't believe in god or Jesus.
(Well, I believe jesus was a real person but not that he was magical or anything)
Anyway. This was not really a good memory to come up today. Its really freaked me out

[one_step_closer]

That was really inappropriate of the nurse. How do you feel about what she said now? Please remember that it was wrong of the nurse to say that and most other people wouldn't have said it and wouldn't agree with it. Try and put it to the side if you can.

[Cacoethes]

I'm not sure.
That's true.
She did seem a bit weird tbh
I'm trying not to think about it

I saw cpn and crisis earlier
I still have to see crisis every day and they are going to watch me take the paliperidone. Because they found out I'm not taking it (cpn wanted to see the box)
I'm very annoyed
I don't want to take it

And also the crisis team reported no concerns (which my cpn was incredibly annoyed about) but surely if people that saw me every day for nearly a week aren't concerned then I'm ok?

[Iamcatbug]

Thing is, your CPN knows you better than the crisis team so I can see where she is coming from.

[Cacoethes]

That's true.
But we've only had phone calls once a week for most of the time
The crisis team have seen me in person every day.
But maybe she does know me better
Idk

[Lauren93]

I know that you don’t want to take the medication but realistically how do you think things will continue if you didn’t try it?
Do you think you’ll get better or worse?

If you don’t try the medication it’s likely that you’ll end up more unwell and then potentially go into hospital. Obviously you don’t want to go into hospital so trying the medication could be the best of the options that you have?

[Cacoethes]

No idea tbh
I'm still not convinced it's a mh problem
Though I do accept that all this started when I stopped the olanzapine which is one hell of a coincidence

I'm worried about starting it on a morning I have work (tomorrow) in case I get terrible side effects
I can't be falling asleep in the middle of a shift!

[Auror.]

Hey,

So one thing I want to point out is that this, i.e. thinking you have a medical issue (contamination, implants, and now this pregnancy thing) that cannot be proven by science or medicine is uh... a pattern for you that occurs before your mental health related hospital admissions. I don't want to at all invalidate how scary things must feel, but do you think there's any pattern there?

[Cacoethes]

It's frustrating because I *can* see a pattern but surely this can't be anything but real?
Physically I feel EXACTLY the same as when I was pregnant with Jasmine. I can feel it moving. I'm getting pains. I feel sick all the time. Stuff like that.
And I can see the demons. Just like I can see other people. But I know they're demons because of the faces.

[Iamcatbug]

Maybe so Beckie, but can you see why they are mentioning hospital admission?

If it is real, what harm is there in you taking the medication to show you are taking on board what the CPN and crisis are saying? If this is real you can prove that by showing the usual things haven’t worked to help you that have in the past.

[Cacoethes]

I can see why they would suggest hospital.
But they are wrong

It's just the side effects that worry me.
Especially if I take the first dose tomorrow morning and then I'm going straight to work.
I can't be leaving work when I'm not meant to!

AND also. Apparently they are planning to put me on a depot again. I did not agree to that

[Auror.]

Are you on the CTO still?