I'm losing him....

[pretty_in_pain]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months and we're so in love. It's my first "proper" relationship, we've even talked about getting married and having kids one day.

When we first got together, I was completely open and told him that I was a recovering self-harmer and he seemed ok with it. But recently I've relapsed and started harming again and its destroying us. We've started arguing about it when we never used to argue before. I fight so hard to get rid of the urges cause I don't wanna let him down, but if I do slip he gets mad at me.

I know he loves me, I know he cares and I know this must be hard for him. But hes admitted that he doesnt understand it and cant accept it. He said he'll stick by me as I get help but I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose him over this. I love him so much but I can't just stop overnight, its really hard.

How can I help him understand? This is killing me.

Thanks for taking the time to read xxx

[88shelz]

how would you understand and feel comfortable with him self harming?
apply that philosophy to yourself.
what made me buck up my ideas was being asked by my partner with a razor in his hand if i could stand back and watch him do that to himself...i went mad and then realised how much worse he felt as i was actively doing it and he kept finding me in that state.

[pretty_in_pain]

I understand that, I know how hard it must be. But I cant just stop overnight, thats what I want him to understnad. But I dont know how to get through to him...

[crazykat]

What Michelle says makes alot of sense. Self-harm is always going to hurt those around us no matter how we look at it. I guess you have to make the decision if you want to quit self harm for you or for him. Ultimately for it to be more of success you have to do it because you want to not because you feel you are being forced into it.

Also if you are serious about giving it up it is important to look at the reasons behind your self-harm and then find someone such as a counsellor to begin to work through these issues with. As well as this it is also important to come up with healthier coping mechanisms because without them it is going to be hard to give up self-harm. You may also find it helpful to look at this article on self-help for giving up self-harm.

You may also find it helpful to show your boyfriend this article, so he understands that self-harm is not something you can just stop overnight. Lastly however I think it is important for him to also see that it is something that you want to stop and are taking steps towards this such as seeing a counsellor etc. Hope some of this helps.
Kat xxx

[88shelz]

you cant stop overnight but you can make the decision and put a plan into action with help of friends, boyfriend, doctor etc. all your bf needs to see is you stopping even if it is a cut at atime. x

[dazed1989]

You can't stop for someone else... maybe talk to him and explain you can see things from his perspective but for the sake of you recovery can he not go so mad when you do slip up? Surely it'll make you feel so much worse with someone else getting angry?
Explain how hard you are trying and that you need him to be calm and strong while you try to stop. Even show him this wall post? Afterall talking about it isn't always easy...
Hope you get it sorted...

[pretty_in_pain]

He tells me that he cares but he just doesnt know what to do, but I'm doing all this for him so I wish he'd be a bit more enthusiastic! I just told him about The Butterfly Project and said i might try it and all he said was "yeah, worth a shot". Like literally, thats it. He told me I could talk to him about anything but I clearly cant, its really upsetting :(

[pretty_in_pain]

[dazed1989]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pretty_in_pain

He tells me that he cares but he just doesnt know what to do, but I'm doing all this for him so I wish he'd be a bit more enthusiastic!

Everyone is different and sorry if this sounds out of turn but I really think this is something you ought to be doing for YOU.

You don't owe him your recovery you owe it yourself. You didn't choose your state of mind to spite him so its not something to 'fix' and change for him. Its fine to use him or your relationship as inspiration but not for "all" your motivation.

Yes it will benefit him and your relationship but first and foremost you have to be wanting this for yourself.

I'm forever doing things for other people but I draw the line at dealing with whatever health issues I might have to benefit someone else. I did once, but never again... The one time I went to the doc was for the benefit of my at the time boyfriend.. however I went to one therapy session and never went back, it all felt wrong, because I was doing it for the wrong person and therefore wrong reasons.

Hope you find inspiration within yourself...

[Margo]

I think its grossly harsh to expect to stop for him. Don't do it. All you can promise is to try, but if he loves you then he needs to accept this us a part of you. he ain't perfect either.

Take it easy