do not know if this is the right place to write about this but this weekend I was subjected to a serious robbery attempt, after I was looking at a job I was attacked by two young people where one pointed at me and the other ran forward to me, so I feel protection by raising my arm in front of my head, then the person grabbed my arm and cut me deep, after this I have a lot of memory gaps, I just remember that I hit back in the stomach and then that I sat in the car on the way to the emergency room since I'm in the emergency room and get my wound burned and stitched. I have had more problems with my PTSD now that it was triggered by them holding me. so now I see these pictures from the new event and also the pictures from when I was exploited as a child. found out from the police that they closed the case yesterday just a few days after the incident. I go every day with the fear that it will come back and do something worse, I do not dare to go out from where I live and if I were to go out I am constantly tense ready for it to happen again. I have been going back to the hospital for some time due to a third degree chemical burns on my right hand and I have to be there twice a week. they have offered me to talk to a counselor there when I'm still there. tomorrow I will go by bus for the first time after the incident to get to the hospitals but am so worried about being alone so do not know if I can do it. I barely sleep at night when I prefer to be up, because I do not feel safe when it gets dark, if I try to sleep I will not fall asleep after a few hours anyway. do not know what to do but somewhere in all this it feels like I deserve all this and I will keep it within me as no one else needs to be exposed by me. I also have voices in my head that push me down and say things like that I deserve it and that I should end everything. do not know what to do and how to handle this anymore.
Close your eyes, so many days go by.
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.
Dance With The Devil - Breaking Benjamin
There is nothing like driving so fast that you can see the thin line between life and death
That sounds terrifying, I'm so sorry you went through that.
I don't know what to suggest other than taking the offer of the counsellor up. I don't know how your healthcare system works but is there a possibility of being referred for further psychological help by the counsellor?
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Alex, please speak to the counsellor they offered. If things are this bad it can't hurt to talk about it to someone. And if the counsellor don't know how to help in the best possible Way at least he/she can arrange seeing someone else. You really don't deserve to feel so terrible and what has happened was NOT okay and not your fault!!!! Both of the things!!!
I know you have a hard time trusting people and mental health people in particular but i really Think you need some proper help lest this Will get out of control pretty quickly.
Zurg. thanks for the reply.
will talk to the counselor tomorrow. will try to talk to them but have a very hard time opening up, as I always close everything inside me. should really try to open me up as I know I can not do this myself, but at the same time it is difficult to break the pattern by saying that everything is fine when everything actually falls apart. since the voices say I deserve it and I should end everything does not help. is home alone today and it has been the hardest time for a long time, luckily my son is home today but tomorrow he will start school again. just count the time until my partner comes home again from work but feels like an eternity and tomorrow I'm alone again.
yes I have a very hard time trusting people but should really try to tell how I feel. is already derailing it feels like, looking around all the time and the slightest sound makes me scared.
have sent emails before and answered you but you may not have received it? have quite a lot of problems with that email.
Elmer, thanks for the answer
I do not know if I can be referred for further psychological help. have had contact with psychiatry since before but it has flowed into the sand as they have not heard from them since the last meeting and have not responded when I should get more help.
Close your eyes, so many days go by.
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.
Dance With The Devil - Breaking Benjamin
There is nothing like driving so fast that you can see the thin line between life and death
If you can talk to someone and start out by saying you have a difficult time to talk about things then that'd give them some important info to start from. You're far from the only one with this problem. I spent quite a number of years in treatment before i felt safe enough to start talking so it's a process that might take some time but with the right person, they should allow you the amount of time you need. And they are not unfamiliar with this particular problem so they'll know how to handle it.
Don't worry about the e-mails for now. We can talk on this thread if you like and others can give advice too?? If all else fails then maybe try and make an e-mail account just for stuff like the things we talk about??
I really hope you can find the strength to ask for help. What has happened, both recently and when you were younger, was deifinetely not okay and you really deserve to be helped so you can handle it. It is possible to get better. It won't mean it Will just disappear from your memory but you can learn to cope with it and live a better life!!!
I can start to tell you how it went in the hospital and it did not go well. I was not allowed to talk to a counselor as she could not come but I will meet her on Monday and I was allowed to talk to a nurse instead.
yes I had intended to say something in that style to the nurse, but as usual everything locked up for me and the usual answer came, that I feel completely ok. do not understand how it can be so difficult to say how it really is. I bother myself that I say that it's good when I finally feel **** and feel that I can not handle more of this. it becomes like a vicious circle that just goes around. I know others have the same problem and I need to learn to talk to someone about it. I had an outburst on my partner today and got angry at her but there was no major reason and now I feel even more **** for this as it is not her fault. I really just want to hurt myself and be able to feel good for the moment but I know with myself that I will end up in the hospital in that case or even worse. this is so painful right now and my thoughts do not stop. I walk with a constant pressure in my chest and it feels difficult to breathe. I also sleep worse than before, I think I sleep a maximum of 4 hours now just because I do not want to fall asleep. the voices in my head are getting stronger with each passing day and they tell me to find an end.
yes we can talk via this thread. will probably have to make a new email later.
I'm trying to find the strength to talk to someone but it's really hard right now. as soon as I try, everything locks up and I say that it's good when it really feels like everything is falling apart.
sorry if it looks messy what i wrote but i'm not myself right now and am very tired.
Close your eyes, so many days go by.
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.
Dance With The Devil - Breaking Benjamin
There is nothing like driving so fast that you can see the thin line between life and death
Hey, it's okay. Sometimes the most important things are the most difficult to do. It doesn't mean it's your fault.
All i can Think of right now is to maybe write a short note saying that you find it really difficult to talk about hard things and then make it say that you also tend to just say that things are fine when asked if you are okay. You can give the counsellor the note when you see him/her and hopefully they would know some Ways of asking questions that could help you make a reply???
I know it's not ideal to take it out on your partner but you are under a lot of stress and pressure and it's bound to snap out of you eventually. Sometimes these things can't be controlled completely and in those cases all you can really do is to apologise afterwards. I hope you guys are okay again?
I really do hope you Will get to talk to the counsellor on monday. I also hope you can bring the note and hand it over. And it's okay if you don't get around to talk about all the stuff the first time, or the second time and so on. You'll get around to it eventually. If they offer you to talk to another professional who works in the psychiatric system, would you say yes to that?
a small update from today. I have today talked to a counselor about my condition and she thinks I should contact psychiatry and get help from there. she could not recommend me to psychiatry, so I have to apply there myself. which I have done too. I have sent a message to them and written exactly as you told me. I wrote how I felt and that I have a very hard time saying how I really feel. unfortunately I do not feel better at all, but I feel worse. my voices and images have gotten worse and the thought of hurting me or finding an end has gotten worse. I've done some things I've not done since I was younger and ended up in the hospital for. I just hope this will end soon. I feel selfish to think the way I do now.
yes it was hard to control the emotions and it just came out of me. I apologized to her. everything is fine between us again.
everything is just feeling heavy right now and I hope psychiatry contacts me soon. otherwise I do not know what is happening. I'm not feeling safe at all right now.
Close your eyes, so many days go by.
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.
Dance With The Devil - Breaking Benjamin
There is nothing like driving so fast that you can see the thin line between life and death
Alex, i hope they Will contact you soon but it they are not Quick to get in touch, is there a place you can go?? Like in Denmark we have a psychiatric ER, which is most often located at the ordinary ER. Basically you can go there if you're in crisis and they Will asses you and decide whether you need an admission. I am unsure whether you have that in Sweden but i Think there must be places you can go if you're in crisis…. Do you have helplines?? I know they're not ideal, especially when you struggle to talk about things, but maybe just someone to listen or someone who can tell you where to go for immediate help??.
You are being brave and it isn't uncommon for things to get worse temporarily after seeking and getting help. It feels unnatural to open up after having shut down for so long. Sometimes you might even feel like you are doing something bad or wrong. But you aren't!!!! Getting someone to help you is, i believe, the only Way to work through this safely. Otherwise it Will just keep haunting you forever and you Will feel worse and worse.
Is there someone who knows you Well that you feel like you can call when you feel as bad as you do now?? A friend or a family member??? You don't neccessarily have to tell them everyhting but sometimes just talking to someone can help you feel less alone…. You've been alone with everything for Way too long and it's okay to start opening up. You're hurting yourself by keeping it inside. Sharing it is okay.
hi, they contacted me today and I got an emergency appointment with a doctor there on Thursday. here in sweden there is a psychiatric emergency room that is always open. I have been to one before and was not treated well, I was put in a room when they thought I was a danger to myself. but after I hurt myself in that department, I was not allowed to be there anymore as they do not accept that kind of thing in that department. after that my self-harming behavior degenerated and I was in the emergency room at least once a week. in the end I tried to take my life and ended up in the intensive care unit. I meet my partner in connection with the suicide attempt and have since kept everything locked up. we have guides with and also help chats. but have not been able to call them. do not have many friends and do not have someone I trust completely. I tell my partner how I feel, but not the whole truth, as I do not feel that she should have to bear the burden that I do.
I do not feel brave to do so. everything feels completely wrong when I open up. everything just feels like it's raging and my mind goes up and down like a yo-yo. and all I want now is to hurt myself as I can not feel like this. I do not know how long I will last. I can not talk to my parents about it, as they have never supported me. they did not believe that my sister's friend was using me as a child, but only asked if it was not that I was involved. no, I did not agree with that, that was why it went on for over a year several times a month when she slept over with us.
Close your eyes, so many days go by.
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.
Dance With The Devil - Breaking Benjamin
There is nothing like driving so fast that you can see the thin line between life and death
I hope the appointment was okay and it didn't scare you away. I also hope they Will be able to figure out the best Way to help you.
I Think, when you’ve been keeping things to yourself for so long it Will feel wrong to open up. Also because your parents made you feel like what you went through wasn't a big deal. So you feel like you were wrong in telling them, which you were absolutely NOT!!! It is never wrong to tell people about something bad that has/is happening, but their reaction may not always be helpful. Some people can't really understand why something can be a big deal to others if they wouldn't feel the same Way themselves. That doesn't mean a trauma has to be vaildated by anyone. The important thing here is that it happened to YOU and YOU feel violated and traumatised by it. And if people fail to understand that then that is solely on them and not on you!!!!
I'm sorry for taking a while to reply. Things can be diffcult here as Well. But please let us/me know how the appointment went and how you're feeling now.
