Lindsay, it's not your job or responsibility to protect everyone else from a vague and diffuse evil. An evil that may, or may not, exist and that everyone is unaware of. Especially not seeing as the only way you feel able to protect everyone else is by hurting yourself. In my mind you can't fight evil by creating more of it and hurting yourself is a way of adding to the darkness that wants to take all the good things away from you.
I don't mean to be harsh, please don't take it that way. I just genuinely believe that hurting yourself won't serve to protect anyone. It just eats away every small part of you that might still contain a trace of hope.
For now, i don't think it can hurt to keep taking the aripiprazole. My logic may be flawed but it tells me that if the medication has obstructed your connection with the men and the other world then there is a chance it is the product of your mind that has been struggling for a long time.
I'm just so tired and afraid. This is all I know and I don't want to take any risks but I am absolutely awful at self harming now. It's completely wrong and I can't let go of that feeling. I am a monster for allowing people to get hurt etc. Antipsychotics tend to block the communication channels between me and the men, that's all. I'm still taking the Aripiprazole although I punch myself each time and I feel very guilty and upset. I'm seeing my CPN on Wednesday. She will say I can stop taking the Aripiprazole anyway.
I say such stupid things all the time. When I picked up my prescription this morning the lady in the chemist had misplaced her pen and I said I hope she has a good day and always has a pen to hand. When I walked away I heard her saying "I thought she was going to say..." (didn't hear the end) and I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I say the most ridiculous stuff, always. What did she think of me that she thought I was going to say? One of my friends from high school, when she first met my Mum, said that my Mum was trying to hard to be funny and that she wasn't funny at all. I must be like that. I have put a recurring reminder in my phone to remind me every morning not to talk shit. I hate myself.
I'm supposed to be donating blood today but I feel awful and don't know if I'll make it. I'm also worried that I might not have drunk enough since the last time I donated I don't think I drunk enough and I felt quite unwell afterwards. I didn't tell the people I felt unwell I just tried to appear normal and grabbed onto a chair as soon as I got to the table. I am a bit worried about ending up causing a scene. But the first time I donated blood it was fine. I'm just lazy. I can't keep myself occupied anyway so at least that would pass some time. I'm really struggling to find things to do and it's affecting me badly.
I don't want to face any more days.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know it's hard to see, but you don't need to be or do anything for people to be worthy in this world, you already are worthy just by being you. For what it's worth, I think you said a lovely thing to the pharmacist and I would be happy if someone said something so thoughtful to me.
Every day is so hard to survive mentally. I want to cut right now but I'm waiting on a delivery and wouldn't like to be in the middle of cutting when it came since that would involve mess. Like I can even cut well enough anyway. I am so terrified of being trapped in life, I know I keep saying it. And it's going to get worse. It can never get better. I don't know what to do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm really worried about my brother, things seem to get worse for him all the time and I'm terrified he's going to end up like me i.e very mentally unwell. There's nothing I can do to prevent it from happening, he's already obviously depressed and anxious. His sleep is a mess just now, possibly because he was working night shifts a couple of weeks ago but that worries me because of how I felt when I couldn't get out of bed at a reasonable time. He's cancelled meeting me twice. He hates his job and thinks horrible things about himself. It's not a nice life, plus he has external pressures and only has one room in his flat to hide away from people when he gets the chance. He doesn't have a whole house like me, he's trapped. He doesn't have silence where he lives, he has a flatmate who wants to spend lots of time with him. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like his life and he has told me this many times. I have said to him to go to his GP lots of times too but he usually says he'll go if/when he thinks he needs to. I really wish we had more close family who could support him so he could have some good things in his life and I didn't have to carry all the worry about him.
I'm finding daily life very difficult at the moment. It's hard to stay occupied and I feel very low and suicidal. I have no way to properly explain how I feel that my CPN will understand. I have an appointment with her tomorrow and if I just use my usual words she won't hear me. The last time I saw her I was hugely aching inside, very suicidal, but she didn't see the pain through my words and instead spoke to me about trying new groups. It's fine to talk about trying new things but not when I'm feeling ready to die and can't see life things at all. There is no hope for me. There are no treatment options. I'm just trapped like this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN didn't hear me at all. Although it was my fault really because I had written down stupid insignificant stuff rather than how suicidal and desperate I've been. I did mention that I'm really suicidal and finding it hard to deal with daily life but we didn't discuss it much. The word 'suicidal' carries no weight when I say it to people now, I can't express my pain at all.
I had written about going to the GP about the possible dyspraxia and Aspergers and my CPN said she doesn't think I have dyspraxia although she knows she's not an expert, and she's positive I don't have Aspergers and that the things I describe are due to trauma/anxiety/childhood things. I felt really upset because I knew I shouldn't have spoken to my GP about it since no one in my long term treatment team has ever mentioned Aspergers. I feel like an idiot who is trying to put herself into a box she doesn't fit in. I was really embarrassed and nearly cried. An OT had phoned my psych about the dyspraxia thing I think so the process with that has already started but I want to cancel everything. I think my GP has sent away all the referrals so I'll just have to wait until I get letters and then say I don't need the assessments any more.
I wish I hadn't written anything, or at least focused on how suicidal etc I've been because I got nothing from the appointment. But no one can hear me anyway, I'm suicidal too much of the time.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry you felt unheard. That's such a lonely place to be.
It doesn't sound stupid that you raised concerns about dyspraxia/Asperger's. Your raised a very real concern and it may be that there are different explanations (trauma in childhood can definitely affect development, and the body, as I'm beginning to learn) but I think you've identified something very real and important. Maybe some things that help people with ASD or dyspraxia might help you too.
Thank you. I'm going to message the GP surgery so the referrals that haven't been processed can be cancelled. I'm just really hoping no one will want to discuss it with me on the phone. The way my CPN reacted was the way I expected her to react, and it felt like I was trying to put myself into a box of being a cat or something as ridiculous as that and she was saying don't be so stupid.
I haven't made it to the gym group today. I'm messing everything up. I keep getting anxious and panicky about having to decide what to do with my time but when I have things that other people are telling me to do that doesn't help either. It's hard to start doing anything and hard to continue doing it. Life is painful and I'm continually reminding myself that I have no pressure and that in the future life will be much worse. I wish it was easy to kill myself.
I'm feeling vulnerable. I told my CPN that I feel like lying on the ground a lot of the time and that that is one of my signs that I'm getting/am more unwell but she didn't say anything about it. She didn't say anything about the mechanical crying and whispering I'm hearing. She didn't ask if I'm safe or ask anything further about me being suicidal. I'm worried it's becoming a case of what a previous CPN was like where any concerns were met with 'that's just Lindsay.'
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN is fine with me not taking the Aripiprazole, she said she obviously can't force me to take it but that she thinks it has been prescribed for a good reason. But that's still permission not to take it. I saw someone from the other world briefly on the grass bit next to the football pitch last night. It gave me a fright and then it disappeared. I think I need to stop taking the Aripiprazole. I'm never too bothered about it in the morning, I just take it.
I heard a brief additional noise in my tinnitus which was different to the brief noises I have heard before. It sounded like a kind of digital thing. I'm wondering if something is happening to the program to compensate for the Aripiprazole or something. I don't know. I've made a mess of everything.
I need to figure out the least scary way to die so I can have a proper plan in place so I can get on with it easily if external pressures become too much.
I think my neighbours might be away just now. I'm telling myself I'm not worried about them this time.
I messaged the GP surgery to see if they could cancel the referrals. They phoned back, and I answered, and said they can't and I'll have to cancel them myself when I get the letters. More phone calls probably.
What if I can't get what I need from my CPN any more? No one properly hears me for long.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do about taking/not taking the Aripiprazole. I'm worried that if I stop taking it I won't be able to do what the men tell me to. I'm such a failure.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I suppose it depends on what would cause you more distress - not taking it and not being able to do what the men are telling you or carry on taking it and not getting the messages?
You're not a failure. I can understand and empathise with the dilemma. Would it be worth writing a list of pros and cons of taking the meds and sharing it with your CPN?
It might also be worth discussing with her whether or not there are any other options if you decide to stop taking the aripiprazole, or maybe come up with an agreement that if things deteriorate if you stop it, you can go back on it again if you choose to.
I just can't do any of this. It feels like an impossible situation. I'm also worried that if I come off the med and then the communication from the men doesn't increase then I will further look like a fake. The men are still about, and I think I might have found an entrance to the other world very close to me but it's probably too dangerous to access this one. Part of me also doesn't want the full communication back because it's tiring and a lot of stuff involves going out at night or other exhausting things, at least when I don't have the full messages I'm not completely failing to do these things. People are at risk though and that is the biggest factor, I'm just so concerned that I'm no longer able to protect people even with the messages. My CPN thinks people will get hurt even if I do what the men say, and yes people will still get hurt but the specific people who the men were going to hurt won't get hurt. When I was in the waiting area waiting for my CPN there was something on the news about someone I caused to fall down a cliff. I am a terrible person and I'm scared. I'm sitting here watching people hurting because I can't seem to hurt myself well enough any more no matter how hard I try.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm going to be blunt and say that the person would have fallen down the cliff anyway, maybe by accident, maybe their own stupidity, but it certainly wasn't caused by you.
Hurting yourself will not make things better for other people. I know that's hard for you to believe but it is the truth. You hurting yourself causes more hurt in the world, not less. I wish you could believe that.
Being exhausted is also not a good thing and if you want to help people then not being tired is a really good start.
I really can't do this. This is my life, this is the reason I was reprogrammed at birth. I don't know what I'm doing floating around the world without guidance. I think something from the other world came in my bedroom window last night when I had it wide open. That's one of the entrances to the other world. I've been hearing unexplainable banging and think there might be something in the loft again but I'm too scared to check. Everything is so scary.
One of my cats was coughing because of a hairball probably and the combination made me feel panicky like I was back in childhood powerless to stop my Mum or Dad being unwell and just having to listen. Plus it makes me worried about what true future panics there will be and what things might be making my brother panic. Imagine having chronic stress and trauma. How did I even cope growing up? I'm not sure if I would cope now. No wonder people turn to alcohol and drugs.
A guy just came to the door with a parcel and looked me in the arms rather than the eyes. I should be used to it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I took the Aripiprazole again this morning. I always regret it. I wish I was dead, seriously. And some guy is messaging me on Fb who was part of a group on there and I've never really spoken to him but he keeps messaging me. I wasn't able to reply for a while and he got really annoyed at me and I've had to say that I just can't do one to one contact, even with my friends most of the time. He probably thinks I'm a bitch. I probably am a bitch. I can't do anything right. I'm absolutely sick of myself. I hope my delivery comes soon (yes, I am greedily buying everything) so I can get on with cutting myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I always regret it. I wish I was dead, seriously. And some guy is messaging me on Fb who was part of a group on there and I've never really spoken to him but he keeps messaging me. I wasn't able to reply for a while and he got really annoyed at me and I've had to say that I just can't do one to one contact, even with my friends most of the time. He probably thinks I'm a bitch. I probably am a bitch. I can't do anything right. I'm absolutely sick of myself. I hope my delivery comes soon (yes, I am greedily buying everything) so I can get on with cutting myself.