Sorry to post lovelies, I'm just really struggling with my ED ATM &could use some support.
I've had an ED since I was 12-13.
Past few months, it's been getting worse and worse.
I'm purging daily, not able to keep hardly anything down, when I do I make sure it's low in calories & keep myself under a certain amount of calories a day (I won't disclose numbers, obviously!), I've lost quite a bit of weight in a short space of time, my thoughts are extremely distorted, I'm obsessing over calories & food 24/7, I'm spending most of my money on binge food leaving me in both debts & taking out loans impulsively, and so on.
I have been referred to ED services but there is a chance they won't take me my therapist said due to funding problems in my area and places in the services as it is very limited.
I'm struggling....a lot.
I also have severe M.E & other health problems, which my ED is making ten times worse.
I just could do with some support...advice...a hug?
I know these patterns can be really hard to break once you get into them. I've had my ED since around the same age you started. It sounds like things have gotten worse for you recently?
Do you know what's made them worse?
It sounds like your therapist knows you well- and clearly knows about your ED. Is she able to offer more support while you are struggling?
It's hard when you're relying on services which are limited.
*hugs* I hope you can talk here and just get some things out if that helps
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Laura - She doesn't stop me, that's the worst possible thing you can do for someone who has an ED. We understand each other completely and our ED's, and stopping someone from purging is one of the worst things ever to do for them, it just creates deceitfulness and sneaky ways of purging, conflict, anxiety, angst, etc. This is something we DON'T want in our relationship. When we first got together, I tried stopping Hel, but she would find ways of doing it either way, and it created a lot of misunderstandings, anger, anxiety attacks, etc. With an ED, we more try to find ways of managing the purging episodes. This helps us greatly, as we are together so if anything happens ie; one of us is on the verge of passing out or dizziness or heart palpitations etc, we are there to make sure this DOESN'T happen and we have some sort of control over how long we b/p for, the contents and amount, the hours we do it, and we always take our meds beforehand and afterwards. This is something many don't understand about ED's. We have discussed it as a couple and we know what we're doing. :)
LittleCloud - thank you lovely.
My therapist is working on DBT skills with me which she said can be really good for eating disorders. She does indeed know me very well, I see her once a week for intense sessions revolving around DBT based skills, discussing recent going's on's how my week has been, etc.
Regarding what has made it worse - It started worsening when I was sectioned in December last year. I was purging after every meal, restricting heavily, becoming even more obsessive and compulsive than I was as it is... I think because it was control taken away from me... and now I am just worsening and worsening and can't seem to control it at all.
I wish you all the best. You do not deserve what the ED is telling you, making you feel. It feels kind of silly and clumsy but have you considered instead of entering the b/p-downward spiral starting to write? Just, a piece of paper and write. Whatever you want to write. If that's too much, have you considered trying to control the b with somekind of timer? For example; one cookie every 30 seconds, stepping up on seconds whenever you feel ready. Meanwhile, you could write, what you feel, why you feel etcetera. Perhaps this offers some reflective comfort in the longer run and helps you managing the b/p better.
I sincerely hope you aren't offended by this, I have no idea as to what you've been told or what you've tried in therapy and I do not mean to state the obvious at all.
To eliminate the chance of making an utterly pointless post I want you to know that I wish I could give you a hug.
As someone recovering from anorexia I know that everyone has a different experience. All I will say is keep strong... my faith is the fact that so many others have overcome anorexia.
Have you explored why things have been getting worse over the past few months? A specific trigger or behaviour-swapping, for example. It sounds like that would be the thing to target, rather than focusing exclusively on the behaviour itself. I hope you hear from the ED service soon.
How are you going today?
I can relate to what it's like just to hit that downward spiral
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling quite a lot at the moment, especially after December. I know it's really frustrating when referrals take a while or don't seem that optimistic, but I do hope you hear from them soon.
Is the DBT helping at all at the moment? Have you discussed that things are worsening with your therapist?
I can understand not feeling in control, especially related to EDs. Perhaps you could try using other aspects of your life to gain control, instead of focusing directly on the ED. For example, I struggle with not feeling in control too and my therapist suggested making plans for the most part of my day (unrelated to food) to gain back some of the control. I understand eating plans can be difficult which was why she suggested just daily life plans instead.
Take care of yourself.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I will try and gain control back by focusing on other aspects of life, but that in itself is difficult too, as I have severe M.E and other health problems, but I could plan each day out daily, I'm just not sure what that would include, the plans that is, as majority of my life is spent in my bedroom unable to DO anything due to such difficulties with my health and being bedbound or on a good day housebound, or on a REALLY good day, which is rare, go out for half an hour-to an hour, which I have to increase my Morphine and other strong pain meds, as well as struggling massively with doing that before, during and after, and a lot of other shiz that goes with it...
Any ideas on what I could do about this?
Like, what plans I could make considering the above problems?
We are doing DBT-like skills once a week for an hour, and I'd say it is helpful by about 60%, because it DOES help, but it varies whether putting it into practice actually is it helpful enough? Which is about 50-50.
I have discussed me worsening with her, that's why she referred me, I've only recently got back to seeing her again, as I was sectioned, before then, I was still struggling with my ED, but not to this degree...
In terms of planning your day, can you try to plan and actively look after yourself? Rest, watch tv, have naps but with no beating yourself up over it or feeling guilt. Part of that could also involve just experimenting with not purging to see how that impacts on you physically. If you notice that it makes you feel worse when you purge, list all the ways it does. But if you see it as a one off way of exploring not purging, it might not feel quite as overwhelming as saying you'll stop outright.
What sort of things do you enjoy doing at home? As J suggested, you can plan resting, reading and napping etc. You could also draw/write (something creative I'm not sure what you enjoy!), or plan to ring a different friend/family member at a certain time each day. Maybe have a planned time to shower/bath, or scheduled times to nap. Maybe allocate tidying cleaning when you feel you have enough energy, or plan somewhere nice that you can go when you can manage to go outside. You can then also try and work towards planning meals and times to eat each day. This might be a bit much, but I found it really helpful to have everything planned up so there was little room in my schedule to differ (helping with ED and general MH difficulties).
I'm glad the DBT is helping to an extent, do you have other skills which you can implement with DBT to make up the further 50%?
Take care xx
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
