New Here. Struggling with SI, suicidal thoughts, and Abuse Triggers

Falaria · 23-10-2023, 05:45 AM

I'm not quite sure what to say or what is ok.

I'm an adult. I've self harmed the better part of my life. In recent years I've mostly had it under control with occasional re-emergence of this struggle. I'm going through such a time right now.

I've been through a lot in the last couple of months. Even before that I was at a place of "scraping the bottom of the barrel" of my coping abilities. What took place in the last couple months just... depleted my ability to make ok choices, coping-wise.
I started cutting again and then burning again. It's getting to the point where I'm back in that addictive stage. Where I don't always know why I'm doing it anymore. Where it's happening more frequently. Where I'm struggling to want to stop. Part of me does, part of me doesn't.
I also feel a lot of shame. I have so many scars, head to toe, and it's super embarrassing. I've lived in long sleeves and pants year round for the last 33 years. I hate my scars but when I get like this... I just feel ambivalent. I can't completely access my healthier self.

I have also been struggling with suicidality, isolation (I want to), and dissociation. I have DID. I am also dealing with an harm "anniversary" month. My mind is foggy and I often struggle to connect and complete thoughts. I get confused, switch, lose time, etc.

I am working with a therapist. She seems really good. A good fit for me and she understands my disorder and kind of abuse. I like her but she's new to me and trust can be hard to build. I know that I need to be honest with her and let her know the major pieces that have me where I am, emotionally, and the level of my struggle. I need to use my voice but I'm scared to. I'm trying to be brave and push myself to say what would usually take me much longer to say. I'm spiraling rapidly and I know that I need to deal with this because I know just how bad I can get and it feels like I'm speeding towards it. I'm trying and trying to put on the brakes. I'm trying to make better choices and she's helping me to do that but... it's also hard to let it go? I don't know if that makes sense. I think that you all might understand that.

I don't like calling crisis lines and I certainly don't like going to the hospital and will do anything to keep from doing that. I'd rather keep SI and suicidal feelings secret than risk hospitalization. So I thought maybe an online forum would feel safer. Less... I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. It's difficult for me to talk about this and maintain a clear mind. When in person or talking with someone voice to voice... I just can't even make eye contact or voice the severity of what I'm feeling very well. We have to write it. So we thought that maybe writing would help on a forum. The safety of anonymity, as it were. Anyhow. I think that's all. I don't know. I feel distant from myself right now.

tamobhuuta · 23-10-2023, 10:42 AM

I think I'm younger than you, but like you I have been SHing (with good patches) for most of my life and it does become an addiction. What kind of therapy are you having? I think it's important to give the therapy time, and yourself time. It's horrible but things are going to be tough for a while. Do you have any skills for dealing specifically with SH urges?

Falaria · 24-10-2023, 05:10 AM

Hi, thank you for responding.

I need to brush up on my tools. There are websites that I look at that are encouraging. I have grounding fidgety things. It's hard to remember what to do when I'm switching but I should make a list again. I could try going for a walk, for instance.

I have a good therapist. Right now it's mostly talk therapy but we've done a little light EMDR stuff. She says that with DID you have to be careful about EMDR. I've been so dang switchy that I can't remember much of what we talk about. I do remember we made an agreement to get the easily accessible SI tools out if the house. So I see someone on Weds who will hold onto those. Which I think, at this point, I need to do til I get stronger. But that's also triggering. Removing the means. I hope that makes sense to someone.

Accidentally Abstract · 27-10-2023, 01:17 PM

I'm really sorry you're struggling so much. I've also been self harming for most of my life (like, 20 years now). It sounds like you're getting to a really desperate place and I know that reaching out and being honest is hard and scary, especially with new people, but it sounds as though you need to let your therapist know how bad things are getting. If it seems as though she's a good fit for you, then perhaps she'll react better than you're worried she might. If it's hard to vocalise it, could you perhaps write something down to pass to her? I've done that with people before to make it easier.

Utilising coping tools which you've used previously and found helpful sounds like a good idea. Fidget toys and walking and whatnot sound like a good start. And removing the tools sounds sensible - I hope you managed to do that on Wednesday, and that the person you were able to give those to is able to also provide you with some love and support whilst things are so difficult.

I hope things start looking up for you soon. This stuff is so damn hard, but it does change - ebbs and flows, so it's not always quite as bad as it feels right now, and can get better. Hold on in there, and reach out before it gets any worse.