Sorry I've never posted in this forum before I wasn't ready I suppose. I have just started a specialist sexual abuse therapy programme ( sorry I don't know how to describe it !) and I'm struggling feeling so emotionally numb and simultaneously alive with emotional pain . It's also hard because in order to receive this therapy I have to also be engaged with the eating disorders team and after an issue where I didn't get on with my psychologist I now see a specialist psychiatric nurse who after my mum asked who agreed to see me for a trial of ten sessions as it's not normally her role. That's good as I've engaged more in the last two sessions than I have in years if ever. I'm scared though as she said she wouldn't see me if I continued to lose weight and I'm scared because it helps to make me feel secure both seeing her and losing weight .What if she stops seeing me ? I'm trying so hard to do this abuse therapy I spoke about the sex, the choking feelings from the oral sex and the pictures he took. I was six I must be dirty and bad. It feels awful but I feel disconnected I know I'm distressed by it but I can't access it ? Does this make me a freak I can't stand how much there is of my either? Who doesn't respond and feel these things I must be a monster? Doesn't anyone else feel emotionally dead? Sorry this is long thanks in advance for reading .
Last edited by Uglyducklin : 19-04-2014 at 10:18 AM.
Reason: Removed irrelevant information
I'm glad to hear that you're having some therapy to deal with the abuse. I can't imagine how painful it must be to have to revisit those memories and talk about them, but I hope it will really enable you to work through the things that have happened and be really able to lay them to rest at the end and move forward with your life.
Can you describe in any more detail how losing weight helps you to feel secure? It could be helpful to unpick that. If you continue to lose weight, she'll stop seeing you, and presumably the trauma therapy will also be put on hold? Can you really handle stopping now and having to start all over again? Hang on in there and get the trauma work over and done with. Maybe you could even tell yourself that you can lose weight once it's over (not actually advocating doing do, but sometimes delaying feels more manageable than having to make a big lifelong commitment to recovery!).
You're not dirty or bad. Someone bad hurt you when you were very young. How could that possibly be a reflection on you? The person who hurt you was bad. You were an innocent victim. End of.
You're not a monster either. Sometimes when something really scary happens with my partner in regard to her mental health, I rock up to school the next day and smile and when anyone tries to speak to me about it I make a tasteless joke and change the subject. Sometimes we just can't process all the horrible scary emotions at once, so we block it out and make ourselves numb. There's nothing wrong with that, and I think it's a completely normal response. I do think it might be worth mentioning to the trauma people- I don't know if for the work they're doing they will want you to try to tap into your emotions a bit more, or if it's actually advisable to try to create some distance.
Well that was an essay and a half. I hope it's moderately helpful!
Thanks so much Jenna it means a lot and yes long time no see! It really helps that you have said that I just feel so disconnected which probably is my brain protecting me as you say. The weight thing is not that simple as it was discovered while I was inpatient last year probably I have a tendency to hold fluid on the back of having had severe hyponatreamia twice which caused my entire body to literally swell ( I was so ashamed) on both occasions then as the fluid comes away I lose the water weight which shows as a loss but is actually nearer my true weight? Sorry that was confusing I suppose I don't want to be penalised for this and therapy that is helping stopped. I don't know how to get around that. Just feel swamped by the memories and sick of my skin crawling. I hope you and J are as ok as can be expected I'm so sorry it's been a rough time for you both. X
Feeling like my whole body aches and swallowing is hard. Does anyone else find illness exacerbates memories and other triggers? I have a temperature and swollen glands and struggle with swallowing and texture at the best of times. I'm so tearful too. My mum ( in charge of meals for now even though I'm an adult ) understood why I couldn't handle eggs but won't allow me to have soup and it's so hard to go through the therapy an eat. I just need to punish myself. I'm sorry I'm waffling and shouldn't be posting :(
Well done for posting here; you've done really well as I know it's incredibly difficult.
I am so sorry you've had to go through such a traumatic event. It's very normal to experience a mixture of emotions during this type of therapy and I hope your therapist will help you through them. I know it's incredibly difficult, but please try and maintain your weight. Be as honest and as open as you can with your therapist about how you're feeling; perhaps you could print off this post and show her? I often find writing/typing things is a lot easier than trying to verbalise how you feel.
You're not alone in finding illness exacerbates memories. I know, for me, when I'm experiencing pelvic pain, it reminds me of past events. It's okay to be tearful, sweetheart and remember it's okay to cry. Does your Mum know about the past? You really need the maintain your intake in order to get through the intense therapy; it's hard enough on it's own, let alone if you're not eating very much.
Please never be sorry and of course you're allowed to post here. You deserve our support. You are never alone and you are strong enough to get through this.
Thanks Kerry that means a lot. Just feel n bits. I want to scrub the dirt away and I feel so out of control. I see the trauma therapy lady but not eating disorders this week. It's pathetic I know but the eating disorders appointment was helping me to process the trauma stuff and I feel I should cope it's only one week for gods sake but I feel lost without that space to process it. I'm just so anxious about food I was meant to put one meal back in as only on evening meal and snacks but can't even get the bloody bowl out the cupboard never mind pour a portion out, add milk and make a start! I don't want to jeopardise my treatment either. Sorry I'm waffling hopefully being out to the pub with my mum will help. I hope you are doing ok too. Xx
I'm sorry to post again. I can't cope I feel filthy and like my body is spreading I'm suffocating in fat and woman lioness. I saw the endocrinologist about my osteoporosis I have osteoporosis in my hips and osteopenia in my spine. Not good if I want to ride which breaks my heart. But worse oestrogen I don't want to bleed I can't cope I'm so sorry for posting.
I saw my therapist again. I did last weeks exercise incorrectly I need to write it again. I don't know why people are cruel and abusive? It's wrong of course it's a million types of wrong but I'm just fat and worthless I must have done something wrong. I can't process it all , I'm not ready to think of the future it feels like three sessions in she's talking like I should already be mended feel ready for a relationship and all that goes with it but I'm not. I feel I'm drowning gasping for air want to scream but the words are gone I want to cry but there are no tears. I'm a FAT pathetic piece of **** I mustn't rely on the eating disorders appointment even though according to the NICE guidelines it's a requirement and not to mention their own rule that to do this I must engage with eating disorders. It had been useful to do the work then see my eating disorders nurse but instead I must use other strategies. I feel bruised and battered. I'm sorry I don't deserve to post x
You don't need to apologize, Jess.
I am very proud of you because it seems like you are trying really hard and like it's making this harder for you right now. I don't really know what else to advice other than holding on to this until it will get better. If you keep going and if you manage to stick to their terms you will feel better and I think that is what you want more than listening to your ED.
Have you told your therapist how you feel and how she makes you feel? A lot of the time it can be helpful to discuss with professionals how they affect you.
Thank you so much for your words. I do need to try and talk to her I think just to clarify things. It just feels so fast and I feel bad for needing support from both services. I can't sort it in my head whether it's ok to have support and use it? Should I be able to do it all by myself? Does working with them and needing help make even more weak and pathetic? I don't know. I want to feel safe. My body is huge and revolting I want to disappear. I've got a dentists appointment under sedation and bad sinusitis and chest infection I choke when I tilt my hard but if I don't have the dental work I can't be re-referred! Sorry this is ridiculous. Thank you for replying. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to pits again but I just feel so ill and terrified. My skin is crawling and I feel like I'm going to choke. I'm meant to have dinner but I feel so fat and dirty and like I deserve to be punished. I need to wash the dirt off and tear myself apart. I don't know how to get through this meal. I'm sorry
I'm sorry to hear you're finding things so incredibly difficult right now. The first thing I want to say is that I believe facing these things and working them through with these services makes you an incredibly strong person; not weak or pathetic. With these things it's easier to turn and run, but facing them is best in the long run and you're starting the first steps in building a future for you which is worth all the fighting. You can do it, I believe in you.
I think talking to your therapist about how you're feeling about the way she's talking is important. It's always best to keep an honest and open dialogue with a therapist/counsellor to allow them to help with things like this.
Therapy will often get worse before it gets better, as I'm sure you're well aware. It is okay to struggle with things even when you're engaging with these services - just because you're finding it hard doesn't mean you're not engaging and I'm sure wouldn't mean the treatment gets stopped. Both of these services will understand how hard each of them are to face, and will understand you finding it difficult.
You are so incredibly strong and you are facing really difficult emotions. All I can really advise is to keep fighting through it, lean on your support systems/teams and keep talking to us. You should of course be posting, we're here to support you and help in any way we can.
Sending you love and *hugs*
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thanks Katie that so sweet of you. I'm going to try and mention it again on Wednesday , I haven't been able to face doing the homework yet. Everything is getting on top of me I feel I'm collapsing inside and any belief I had I could do any sort of work with animals is leaking away. I fail at everything my body is repulsive and huge. I don't know I need the memories to stop. Tomorrow I will be better I will work harder so that the people I volunteer with are pleased then may be feeling taped together and falling to pieces won't matter. Sorry I shouldn't post .
Try not to be so hard on yourself about the homework, I'm given some from counselling each week and at the moment seem unable to do it fully. It is hard enough going to sessions, let alone doing work on it outside of them too, however it is important in making steps between sessions.
Try not to let the belief of working with animals is out of your reach, you're like this now but it doesn't mean you will be forever, and working with animals is a really good and rewarding goal to have.
You are having these thoughts because of the ED, but it doesn't mean they're true. I know it's hard to stop them creeping in all the time, but you're fighting against them and that is the main thing.
Tomorrow WILL be better, keep telling yourself this.
I am sure the people you volunteer with are happy regardless, any organisation is happy to have volunteers - it means a lot to them that you give up your time.
You won't always feel like you're taped together, soon things will start fitting back to place again and you'll begin recovery.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thanks Katie your words really helped. I watched a dog training video for distraction but it was an hour and a half long and I lost concentration a bit. It hasn't worked the scared feeling and the thoughts and memories are still around I'm feeling more vulnerable and the flashbacks are more unpredictable. I'm scared they will happen somewhere inappropriate like at puppy training. I would be mortified. Sorry I'm waffling but thank you for your kindness. I'm sorry you are having a hard time too. I hope it gets easier for you. Thanks again for being so supportive x
Last edited by Uglyducklin : 26-04-2014 at 10:37 PM.
Reason: Typos
I'm sorry I'm posting too often already. I can't take these memories and the need to tear myself to pieces. So much guilt and shame. I deserved it there is no ask why did you hurt me? I'm dirty and fat and foul. The sensation of food inside me makes my skin crawl. I deserve to be punished. I feel I can't cope it runs like a loop in my head tomorrow I'm to hold it together I am a stupid whale and I stand up in my disgusting fatness and talk about puppy training and I feel I know nothing and I don't want to let people down. I just want to curl up and wait for the flashbacks to break over me I feel they can see my shame and how broken I am? I'm pathetic for needing support and saying that Thursday is so far away. I'm scared I will be punished because the homework isn't finished. I saw that bloody advert for the old peoples home and abuse they suffered a documentary by panorama it makes me come undone inside to hear that woman calling out how can people be so cruel? I'm scared of losing my mum or that she will suffer it takes my breathe away. I just want the constant fear and grief that physically steals my breathe. I don't know. I don't deserve it but I need some reassurance please :(
Last edited by Uglyducklin : 27-04-2014 at 10:26 PM.
Reason: Typos
I'm so anxious I feel I can't breathe the memories won't stop intruding into my mind playing on a loop. Images merging into one. I can feel their hands on me. In an hour I talk at pups I want to curl up. How did I make it stop? Non of the grounding techniques are working. I can't call people to ask for support I lose my words and who wants to hear from me. I'm sorry I shouldn't keep posting I just need some encouragement. I'm sorry I know I don't deserve it :(
I'm sorry I should delete this I don't want it to be like something from ranting and venting I'm sorry I just can't cope. I saw my psychologist for the abuse work yesterday. We talked about why I felt dirty and defective and how may be I'm not to blame. The memories are vivid and strong, I can't stand being this large and fat and well alive and present. She said I'm less numb and she's probably right. I feel like I'm choking on him, I'm supposed to have breakfast how can I chew and swallow with that in my mind and with those sensations. And more to the point this fat. I'm a fat freak. For ****s sake what have I got to do to bring it down? Sorry not that I deserve but I need hugs or some encouragement please. I'm sorry
I am sorry things are so hard for you right now, Jess.
Remind yourself that if you keep trying and keep working with the professional support things will improve and you won't have to struggle so badly anymore. It will be worth working on things and pushing yourself, though I understand that it is easier said than done.
Thank you it means a lot. I had my eating disorder appointment and I burst in to tears the second I got in there I was able to talk though once I found my voice. She suggested I may never have fallen apart and may be I haven't even in hospital, showing my emotions is hard. I just feel so broken. Sorry I'm waffling.
