People Keep Exploiting me and Using my Kindness

janisozolins90 · 17-08-2020, 11:10 AM

I feel that because of my kindess and willingless to help others I keep attracting people who exploit me and use my kindness.

Here's one example:

Last year I started attending a new church. There was this disabled guy who was blind from birth. One time some church members asked me if I could give this guy a ride to one of the church events. I was glad to help - especially since we lived in the same area and were going into the same direction.

So from there on I started offering him rides to Sunday services and church events. Sometimes, once in two or three weeks, he would ask me to take him to a shop, drugs store, hospital etc.

However, after some time these occassional rides turned to 3-4 every week. Every ride took about 3 hours. I was able to help out because I'm a freelancer and have a flexible schedule, but it often meant that on those days I had to work till midnight.

We were going to shops and drug stores to buy stuff for him and also for his girlfriend who lived separately. Supposedly his girlfriend was so sick that she couldn't leave the house and shop for herself, but whenever I saw her she didn't seem that sick to me that she wouldn't be able to go to a grocery shop or a drug store that were literaly below her appartment. Few times I even drove his girlfriend to a hospital to other cities which took most of my day.

Even though I consider myself kind and patient person because of this I started to become quite bitter and angry with myself, with the blind guy, with the whole world and with the church because I was the only one from the church helping him. I really didn't like the person I was becomming.

There were few times when he called me and said he needs a ride tomorrow. I tried to politely refuse because I had work deadlines and said that he will need to find another ride. Next day he just called me and said: 'So, can you be at my place in 15 minutes?'

The last straw was early Summer when I took his girlfriend to hospital for a consult. She then said that she would have to visit hospital every day for the next 15 days. In the evening the blind guy called me but, but I simply didn't pick up the phone because I knew he was going to ask me to take his girlfriend to hospital for the next 15 days. I didn't have the guts to be rough with a disabled person, but also didn't have anymore time and energy to be exploited like that. We haven't talked since.

Now about a week ago I started to get in touch with another guy. He is also from the same church but we didn't get in touch for quite some time, plus the church was closed due to COVID-19.

In one week he already asked for three favors. He asked for some money - which I was fine with. Then he asked to help to transport a TV - also understandable because he doesn't have a car. The last favor was to take him home from a bus station even though it's only a 10-15 minutes walk. I myself always take this walk whenever I take a bus to another city and we live in the same area.

I once again feel that I will get exploited.

I don't understand why people start to exploit your kindess so easily.

Emotionally I want to just shut-in from the world, be selfish and never help anyone again.

On the the other hand I don't want to become this selfish prick who only thinks about himself. I want to be kind and help people. But how do I draw a line? How do I avoid such situations where people start exploiting my kindness?

Pi.R^2 · 20-08-2020, 08:41 PM

Oh gosh, what a rough time you've had =/ It sounds like you've been incredibly kind and generous and this guy has really taken advantage of that. I guess it's possible that he doesn't understand quite what an imposition it has been asking you to give all these lift, but surely that's a bit of a stretch- he must be at least somewhat aware.

I don't think you need to feel at all guilty for winding up feeling bitter and angry about it- I don't even know you and I feel a bit angry on your behalf!

I don't think that just because this guy is disabled you should feel like you can't say no and be a little firm with him because quite frankly he's taking the piss. A wise member once said on here - "no is a complete sentence." I would advise that when you feel like someone is asking something that's too much of you, you try to just say "no, I'm afraid I can't." If that feels too bold, you could give reasons like having lots of work or having something else to do, but know that you aren't obliged to.

Even if it's something that you don't mind doing, like the money thing, if you feel like the person is taking advantage a bit, it's also OK to say no to try to set some boundaries. I think it seems very bold and a bit dodgy for someone you've only just started talking to to ask you for money.

If you think you'll struggle to control your generosity you could set yourself some rules, like "I'm only going to give one person a lift this week, and anyone else who asks is getting a no".

You don't exist to serve other people's needs and it's not selfish or wrong to want to spend your time and money mainly on yourself.

Auror. · 22-08-2020, 03:33 AM

I think it's important to say that just because someone can get up and function for short periods of time doesn't mean they aren't ill. Especially if they've got medical appointments they need to attend. Also, just because you can walk a distance yourself doesn't mean that someone else doesn't have a valid reason to be unable to. It sounds like you haven't been perfectly kind in this situation either and that you've been rather judgmental of those whom you've offered your assistance to.

I'm sorry you felt like your time was taken advantage of, and I am not saying that makes it okay. But as Jenna said, setting boundaries for yourself is really important. Hopefully that's something you can work on. She gave some good suggestions for how to do so. I'd also suggest trying to work on being less judgmental of others who abilities and situations may be different than your own.

Also, if your church is where you're connecting with these people, maybe you can reach out to someone in your church about setting up a revolving schedule for those who want/need assistance, so everyone is helping out equally.