It had been a very long time. I'm sorry about that and I hope you are all getting on okay
I'm having some... issues. And I shouldn't really post about them, and I will have to delete this at some point for privacy. If anyone has advice, please reply. I understand if not <3
I don't even really know what to say or how to say it, or what the actual issue is - other than me.
I am losing myself. I keep being really unmotivated and lazy and not thinking about others. My husband and I are doing something together. He does the majority of it, the driving, the technical stuff.... and I said I would do the planning and writing. I am not doing well at doing my part. My planning isn't great, and I often get things wrong. I can't focus to write things of use to our project, only creative things, or no things at all.
I feel like when I do plan or write it isn't exactly what he had in mind, and he gets disappointed and sad and then I get defensive and guilt ridden. It's not normal, and I am aware it's something I need to work on. Does anyone have any advice on how to respond to his negative mood without becoming defensive and crying? Because that's all I seem able to do.
And how do I work on motivating myself to bring my half of things to the table? It's not that I don't want to. It's that I can't make myself do it, even if I want to and know I should.
He thinks I'm not enjoying it, and we should stop because it's his thing and he tried to bring me into it. But I AM enjoying it. And I DO want to contribute. But I am rarely able, and what I do it's always wrong in some way, or I forget something or don't think of an issue that comes up and he gets annoyed because he has to fix it on top of everything else he has to do. It's really frustrating and I'm not sure how to make my brain think about all of these things when I'm planning or writing and I get so stuck thinking about it that I can't actually get anything done.
He said he feels like he has a pet or a child that he's bringing along. That he wants a partner who is on the same page. I don't want to be that. I don't want to make someone I love feel like that about me. I want to be a real person.
How do I become more of a proper, rounded human who can manage basic life skills and interactions without breaking down?
I think that maybe you are seeing yourself/being seen as the whole 'problem', when in fact you are in a partnership and there may be some unrealistic expectations in this situation? I hope you don't mind me bringing your RV into it but it sounds like perhaps your husband isn't being entirely fair to you.
I've also noticed that (for me personally) the more pressure/shame/guilt there is associated with Doing A Thing, the harder I find it to do. Would it help to give yourself permission to not do things for a couple of days, recalibrate and try to set some realistic goals? For example if you're not sure exactly what you're being asked to write or create, could you ask for clarification and then break it down for yourself so that instead of one huge mountain of everything, there's little steps of 'roughly a paragraph on 'X' subject' and 'here are the stages of planning/booking/shopping for next week'?
Are there things that you *want* (and feel able) to do that might help you get started?
I don't know if I am explaining myself clearly, but I hope some of that made sense. I also hope you can try to treat yourself with a little more compassion, and that your husband is able to understand how much you are struggling.
Sending lots of love.
EDIT: P.S. You are very much a whole, real human being who is deserving of love and respect, just the way you are.
Last edited by Elmer : 14-05-2023 at 07:52 PM.
Reason: ADDING VITAL IMPORTANT POSTSCRIPT
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
My husband and I have talked since and I'm feeling better about it and more heard. I told him I feel like I'm not enough. And that made him said.
He shows his love more my doing helpful things, or nice things... like making coffee, or knowing I need to do something so helping prepare and stuff. I'm more physically affectionate when I show love. We talked about that and agreed to try and use each others methods as well as our own and to talk more when things are said or done that upset us.
He isn't always fair, I know that. It's not helped by the fact that the more facets a conversation takes when I'm distressed, the less my mind functions. So I forget what I've said and then get told I've said it but I don't remember or I don't remember what tone of voice I used or I use the wrong one and then things get confused and more entrenched. I need to work out how to not immediately rise to a Red zone and notice when things are getting Orange.
Sometimes we are talking about the issue and I go silent for 20mins and don't even notice. it really annoys him because it means arguments get dragged out for hours. I try to make myself say words but I can't get anything out. I get so frustrated with myself.
Having guidance really helps, I mentioned that to him <3
There are young people who were high achievers that then ended their lives. Friends and family are at a loss because they considered the deceased to be perfect and happy.
What often happens is that a lot of high achievers are motivated by a sense of inferiority that they are trying to overcome. It was overreacting to stress resentfully and feeling like an effect instead of a cause that created the sense of inferiority.
That backfires because the motivation isn't natural - its a compensation.
The more people try to be - using an acquired sense of inferiority as motivation - the more inferior they can feel even when they succeed.
Its like being thirsty and drinking sea water. A healthy result is hard to gain from an illegitimate, negative motive
Being motivated by stress not only burns people out but it keeps them from discovering their original inner impulses for motivation - there's a disconnect. Living turned inside-out from overreacting to people and stresses is very debilitating.
You describe wanting to do/be more in response to others people's stresses - intentional or not. You can upscale your efforts if you want to but if you do it out of stress and resentment it can flip you into the mind's dark corner. You just watch that like a bad film and dot fight with it resentfully. Losing track of excess information and tuning-out sounds very stress conditioned. That happens a lot but some people conceal it better
Have you guys ever considered couples therapy/counselling?
I realize a lot of people see it as a kind of last resort/a sign that the relationship is coming to an end but really, I think it is more for people who want to keep their relationship going and work on being a better partner etc.
Do you have any support whatsoever currently for mental health issues?
We still fight about the fact I am not doing enough. It's more that he doesn't feel like I do things to support him. Like, he did some physical labor and whislt he was doing it, I went to the post office.
In my head, I think - oh if I walk there now we don't have to waste time driving there later whilst we're trying to get ready for our trip.
in his head - he was annoyed I chose to do something that only really benefited me, rather than, for example, doing the insurance stuff which would have taken more of the stress of him.
I said i'm gonna try and think about all the things we need to do (maybe writing them down coz I don't notice most things so a list to add to would be good) and try and prioritise things that will benefit both of us, rather than just me all the time.
He said he doesn't want to feel like hes my boss or that he has to tell me what to do. I get that, but I don't notice most things that need doing, or immediatly forget about them if they are not in front of my face, unless people point them out to me or I keep a list. So I find it hard. But I need to find a way to be able to see what helpful things I can do, and think a few steps further than I do currently
I would try it, I don't think he would. It took a long time for him to agree to try counselling for himself, and he didn't really like it. He views it that way and I would have to slowly lure him around to the idea.
No, I'm doing okay. I've been discharged from the CMHT. I had an autism/adhd assessment and was given a diagnosis, but I have just started stimulant for another condition I have, so they are hopeful it will help the inattentivness too. The sleep clinic is monitoring the side effects of the stimulant and said they will refer to crisis if I show signs of mania or psychosis. So far I have been fine.
My attitude towards food is up and down but I'm a healthy weight and not purging or over exercising, and I think I'll always have funny thoughts about it. So I'm not too bothered.
