Contains Suicide - (TW: SH, ED, & Suicide) I'm lost. I feel like nothing. I don't know what to do.

[Long*Past]

I have become so depressed. I basically haven't been to work in a month, and I'm handing in a letter of resignation tomorrow - on a stat holiday so I don't actually have to face anyone - because I'm basically going to be fired anyway and honestly I can't keep doing the work anyway.

I've started cutting again. Haven't stopped eating yet, but that's partially because I have no batteries for my scale and I can't afford to buy any (because I haven't been to work in a month). I just feel like I'm spiralling into myself, into the blackness that consumes me, and I don't even want to stop it.

It's not as if I don't know that so many people love me and care about me, it's not as if I think they wouldn't try to help me, if they could. I just... I'm too tired. And I keep thinking, "There are too many people in this world. We can't all continue to live here. Maybe I should just go. Maybe I SHOULD have died years ago and it was wrong for anyone to try to save me."

This all feels disjointed while I'm writing it, but that's how I feel right now. Disjointed. Disconnected. I don't know why I'm here or what I'm doing or how I'm going to do it.

I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything or accomplish any of my dreams or goals, because I just get like this. I go though these cycles where I'm great, I'm fine, the world is wonderful and right, and then out of nowhere I'm dying inside... I failed college because of it... I still haven't told a soul about that... But I get like this and eventually, I try to kill myself, and each time I last a bit longer after my survival than I did the last time, but then my next attempt is so much worse and brings me that much closer to actually dying.

The last time I tried to kill myself was 2 years and 6 days ago. 736 days I've lived since the day I should have died. But here I am... And there's a part of me that says, "If you're still here, there's a reason for it. You are still alive for a reason." But I'm growing too old for fairy tales and another part of me says, "Maybe you're just wasting the planet's resources because of your delusion of purpose."

I don't know whether I want to kill myself or not... but I'm leaning closer and closer to the former.

I don't know what to do.

[ajrocks]

I hear you.
I feel exactly how you feel a lot lately and I feel despairing and frustrated that I also go through times of being great,fine feel like i'm finally ok and then bam something will set me off and each episode gets worse each time and goes on for longer and it gets really dangerous
I don't know what to say to make you feel better but I know how bloody tiring it all is. I guess if you can even just cling onto one thing or person to get you through each day that is a positive in itself surely?
Do you see a therapist at all? and do you live with people or on your own?
p.s you are most defo NOT a waste of the planets resources!! try to think of one thing good every day just one thing x

[teachit]

Is there anyone you can reach out to IRL? I hope you can see that you are here for a reason!!! There have been 763 days that have been better because you are here.

People love you and care about you and want to help. Please reach out so that you do not have to carry this burden alone.

[Long*Past]

Thank both of you. I keep trying to reach out to my partners and friends IRL, but it's like I get to a point and then I get too scared or I shut down or they don't know how to help me. I need a therapist, I know, but I can't afford one.