Friendship.

[Ophiuchus]

Not sure if I want advice or just some support here, but...

I had a friend (H), someone I considered a sister, well, we considered each other sisters. Her kids referred to me as Auntie Tash, we saw each other regularly and would text back and forth pretty frequently. It was the kind of friendship that we could talk about anything and we bonded over a lot of similarities.

We'd known each other a while, ended up losing contact because my ex decided I wasn't allowed friends and got back in touch early 2023 and it was like the break hadn't happened, which was really awesome.

She ended up in a situation with another friend (B) whereby she came to the realization that B was acting in an incredibly toxic, manipulative way towards her and H would spend a lot time talking things over with me, asking for advice and support through it, which I was only too happy to give.
I could see the situation with B was starting to affect H quite badly, almost changing her in a negative way - the way she carried herself, the way she spoke to others and I did everything I could to make sure she knew she could always vent at me if she needed to, etc... But it was worrying and I expressed that to her, gently. We had a huge chat about it, she apologized for worrying me, we hugged it out... all good.

Things started to change between her and I in November. She started to make some comments to me that came across very snarky and snide and I let them go because I knew how badly she was struggling.
Then in December, the comments became more frequent, she was getting very spiky, attitude wise and it got really hard to deal with.
I showed her a tattoo design I had drawn (I'm not an artist at all and I was proud of the design) and her response was to call it tacky, cringe, that no tattoo artist would want to do it and was I getting it on my lower back like a tramp stamp... Yeah.
She would mock me for certain ways I say things, certain words I'd use... and it never came across like friendly banter or teasing; it was always just this side of hurtful.

Eventually the attitude got too much (there's so much more to this that I don't want to get into, but it's a LOT) and I wrote out a long, heartfelt text to her asking if everything was okay, because I was feeling a little bit lost as to how things had been and some of the things that had been said had left me feeling upset.
Her reply was not what I hoped for: there was a lot of her saying that I was taking everything she said the wrong way, that what she had said wasnt what she meant and I was filtering her words. When I asked if she would clarify what she had meant so we could talk things through and work it out so we could move forward from the whole situation, she said she was done and blocked me.

I've been blaming myself quite heavily for this whole thing, I keep thinking that if I'd just not said anything, if I'd just written off her attitude as her going through a lot then maybe we'd still be on okay-ish terms... I don't know.

Sorry, this was a ramble, but it felt good to get it out of my headspace.
Thanks for reading.

[Pi.R^2]

Oh goodness, what a nightmare.

Obviously I'm not privy to the full story but it sounds as though you've conducted yourself with great kindness and understanding. I think that if you'd continued to just written off her attitude as a consequence of her going through a difficult time then you would have become quite unhappy and that's no grounds for a friendship.

I don't want to completely condemn your friend, not having heard her side of things but she's certainly not coming up smelling of roses here and even if there's some justification somewhere in it all, it still isn't fair how she treated you because of it.

People are so complicated and can change and can do utterly astonishing things. Maybe one day your friend will sit you down and explain herself and make things right but maybe she won't and you'll never understand what on earth happened. Of course give yourself ample time to grieve this friendship but I think it's important to try to live with that unsettling feeling of not having the answers to those 'what-if's and start to accept the absence of proper closure. As Lemony Snicket wisely said "One cannot spend forever sitting and solving the mysteries of one's history".

[Ophiuchus]

I definitely don’t condemn her at all. I know she’s struggling with a lot and I think it just all overwhelmed her and it came out at the wrong target.

When she blocked me on Facebook the first time, I reached out over text and said that I understood she needed some time but I was open to talking whenever she was ready and felt like she wanted to.
She left it a few days, reached out on Instagram so the a very terse “I’m here, say what you want” message.
I asked her for clarity as to what she had meant by some of the things she’d said because I’d like to be able to repair things and move forward with everything cleared up if that’s what she would want as well.
Her reply was that if I thought she would say things like that and mean them, I don’t know her and it was time for her to move on from our friendship.

As you say, Pi, I need to be able to move forward without any real closure or reasons behind what happened. It’s just… sad.

[Auror.]

we've definitely had very long, close friendships end with no closure or answers. it really really sucks. and is hard. it's no reflection of you at all and it sounds like as jenna said, you said and did all the right things.

don't have any better words but definitely read and can relate.

[Ophiuchus]

Thank you, Auror, I appreciate that.