The nightmares are very realistic. I think it might be a flashback and nightmare in one.
On Monday I had a nightmare/flashback combination.
When I woke up, I thought it was happening again. I felt that incredible fear, helplessness and terror. I was really confused at first, because I didn’t know where the men were. I got out of bed and tried to find my ex. It suddenly dawned on me that I would need to go to the prison to find him seeing as he’s been in there for a few months.
I began to think that if my ex couldn’t possibly be in the house, then it’s possible that the other men weren’t. It took me a few seconds to work out that it was a nightmare and it was just a dream, albeit a scary one.
This morning I had probably the most terrifying nightmare I have ever had.
The abuse I suffered in the nightmare was even worse than even the worst I experienced in waking life.
I still remember the absolute terror I felt during the nightmare. I again had that few seconds of “where is he?” before I realised it was just another nightmare.
I’ve been having a few flashbacks lately. Since last Friday they have been getting worse.
Last Friday I had a flashback to being abused as a kid. It was just something about one of the characters on the telly that brought it all back. I was suddenly transported back to being about 13/14, and my abusers doing stuff to me. The humiliation that I felt back then suddenly came back. I remembered what happened that day, how they made me feel. I could feel the humiliation, worthlessness and (physical) pain of that afternoon all over again.
Ever since the flashbacks have started, I have felt less safe. For the last few weeks (since the other abusers were charged) I have felt a bit safer. Since the nightmares got worse and the flashbacks came more and more often, that feeling has gone.
Right now I am very nervous and twitchy. It’s like my brain is preparing for another attack. I can’t relax at all. The slightest noise makes me expect to get beaten and raped again by those monsters. I’ve been like this since Monday.
It’s slightly reassuring that I have contact details for the officer handling the case so if the attackers ever did do anything to me then they’d be held in jail until the hearing for breaching bail (and committing further crimes).
I still can’t get that feeling of safety that I had before I ever met my ex. It took me years to feel safe (5 years actually) after the abuse as a child/teenager stopped, and my ex destroyed that in a second.
