found out today that the resident that assualted me is coming back next week.
the staff have been trying to get hold of my CPN all day, leaving messages, but nothing. she was supposed to come and see me today, but she was 'busy'.
i called my mum to ask if i could go home, she said yes, but i went to ask for my medication from the staff and they made a big deal about it and said i have to stay.
i mentioned i was feeling unsafe, they panicked and talked about calling an ambulance. i know nothing will come of it if i saw the psych team at hospital. so i just said im ok, i didnt mean it. i think they have accepted that. i hope so.
i dont know if i will be safe though.
i really dont want a repeat of last weeks drama, train station, blade, police, 136, hospital, sent back here at 5am.
but i have stuff in my room, i have plenty of stuff, so i wont even have to go outside.
seriously. why does everyone want me to die.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Awww sweetheart, I'm sorry to hear that she's coming back.
I think maybe you should contact PALS about your CPN, because I think you could legitamitely say that she's being negligent, especially considering your situation at the moment.
And I don't want you to die :)
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
i don't really remember the situation with the resident at the moment, but it sounds like it was bad... and you sound pretty scared right now. but harming yourself is going to put you in a worse position to deal with whatever does or doesn't happen.
how did the evening go?
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
my mum is on the case about my cpn, and this place.
shes aready scared them by going stright to the top and threatening to go to the tabloids. she is outraged.
she is also arranging a meeting with my cpn's boss, who seems to be supportive. when she says she is going to do something, she will do it, no messing around, shes used to dealing with banks and legal people, so this should be easy for her. shes already managed to get round the 'confidentiality' rule once (it was about me anyway, but you know how they are)
ive managed not to hurt myself so far. my room is an absolute tip, it only really gets this bad when im heading for a breakdown. which i think im doing. almost ended up at the train station again tonight. doesnt help that its literally 4 minutes walk away.
'paranoia' and 'voices' are getting to me. but i dont think its psychosis this time. pretty sure its real. i can recognise when it is and isnt.
thanks for saying you dont want me to die Lizzie, it means alot right now
sorry, this has been really long...
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
i don't want you to die either. i doubt that there is anyone on here, very few if any people in real life who want you to die. it sounds like your mom definately doesn't and is going to fight for you.
this may sound silly and be totally unhelpful... but if you cleaned up your room, would it help you to feel less out of control and less like you're heading for a breakdown? sometimes our surroundings intensify our feelings, even when they are a result of them (that whole circular thing, self fufilling prophesy)
try and remember that you've still got a week before they come back. lots could happen in that time to help you feel better. so don't make a drastic decision like seriously harming or anything..
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Thankyou, your reply really means alot, it really does.
i do actually want to tidy my room, im just having such a motivation block, with everything.
i still have various blood-stained items and tissues still on my floor from last week, not very hygenic i know, i dont know why i cant bring myself to just pick them up.
and yes, self fufilling prophecies can be dangerous things....
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
thats a good idea.
i think i will try that later today, as its 1am here :s
im contemplating sleep, but im worried that They will enter my brain, my brain and thoughts are more susceptable when im alseep.
i need to be on my guard.
sorry, just seems like one problem after another
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
today hasnt been great.
had to get up in a rush because we had an emergency therapy group at 1pm, and i was still in bed.
just to find out that an ex-resident had been found dead in her flat last week. i didnt know her, but its still sad. and it reminded me too much of something else earlier this year.
ive done most of my room now. which is good.
im trying hard to keep safe, i think the only reason im still here is because of little one. i have a scan on the 28th, convinced something will be wrong. :(
thanks lizzie x
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm sorry that you've heard this news at such a difficult time for you. Hearing stuff like that is never a pleasant experience. I hope you're allowing yourself space to think even though you didn't know them. Take care xxx
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
im watching one of my favourite tv programmes and made a sandwich.
unfortunatley, ive started getting the pains again, keep meaning to see gp, but i never seem to get round to it.
think its kidney reated, so should probably get it sorted.
but trying to relax
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
