Getting Better ??

Thatgirl.autumn · 04-09-2023, 01:15 PM

Hi everyone , I'm new here. N seeing all the posts in the forums helps me to feel a little less alone. But nvm nvm. I think I MIGHT finally be getting better. After 8 years of struggling with sh I think I might be FINALLY getting better. Hopefully. People often say how you need to get better for yourself n not everyone else. But I don't think this is always true. I'm 17 now. Yes I've been sh'ing since 9. It's complicated. But anyway for me I struggle getting sober for myself. Like I get it. Healing for yourself n all. N maybe it works for some people but I am not one of those people. See the one thing tht is keeping me sober rn is my boy bestfriend. He's struggling with getting clean too. Well he's doing a lot better than me , let's be honest. He's almost 9 months clean , as opposed to me who's only js over a month sober. But hey it is wht it is. I made him promise to make it to a year clean. But he said he'd only promise if I promised too. I tried to dodge it at first. But then I finally caved n promised as well. "We're in this together" he said. Fck I kid you not I've never been so happy but sad in my entire life. I'm currently 43 days clean. N it's weird cs 1 day turns to 2 turn to 3. N then I'm here. The thing with me is tht I don't break promises. N no I'm not being vein. I js can't do it. But it's weird cs knowing tht I can't act on the urges takes away a LOT of there power. Like they still exist. They don't js disappear cs you make the decision to get clean. But they hold less power when you GIVE them less power. N yes ik it's not tht simple. But it is in a way. For me anyway. Idk. Recovery is weird. It's not heroic or wonderful like in the movies. It's messy. It's difficult. It's struggling constantly to hopefully resist the next urge. But it IS possible. No matter how difficult it might seem. There's hope in the darkest of places.

When your lost in the darkness , look for the light x

long road · 04-09-2023, 01:57 PM

I relate to needing an outside person for motivation, thinking of my partner and how hurting myself hurts him is sometimes the only way I avoid acting on urges. Long term I am trying to stay clean for me, because I don't want to be stuck in the harming cycle anymore and the way the relief it gives is only temporary. But if he gets me through the urge that's great.

You need a reason to motivate you. Doesn't matter the reason as long as you find one. I really hope you make it to a year clean and the many years more.

But if it doesn't work out that way try not to be too hard on yourself slip ups happen but they don't define us. I am 6 months clean right now, before that I was a year clean. I haven't kicked self harm completely but go a long time between episodes. And hopefully one day I can consider myself fully clean.

Thatgirl.autumn · 05-09-2023, 12:05 AM

I know for some people rewarding themselves at certain milestones helps to encourage them to go longer. I think it's a nice concept. But im 43 days clean , n I haven't rewarded myself once. I understand the concept of if you reach x amount of days clean you get to treat yourself. N thts got me wondering , I could try tht , maybe. I js have no idea wht kind of rewards to give myself. So any ideas would be much appreciated. Thanks. Stay safe everyone x

Thatgirl.autumn · 05-09-2023, 12:14 AM

I've struggled with cutting for abt 7 years now. I'm only js now feeling mentally prepared to stop. But the thing is tht for me at the moment , it feels physically impossible to quit sh all together. So I bought a lighter. I've worn multiple bracelets around my arms ever since I started cutting so now tht I'm burning instead , the amount of bracelets has lessened but I definitely need at least 4 or 5 to keep me feeling okay. I still count the days I am sober from cutting cs I don't feel like my new method is as harmful , hopefully one day I'll be able to quit sh all together but for now I don't feel ready. Idk. It's good tht I've stopped one form of sh though right ??

tamobhuuta · 05-09-2023, 10:09 AM

I would say burning is no better than cutting - sorry! What's going on for you that makes you harm yourself?

Thatgirl.autumn · 06-09-2023, 12:25 PM

Hi there @tamobhuuta , I've been abused n used for a fair sum of my childhood n I guess sh was a way of control so tht I was able t decide when I felt pain too , instead of it always being others , well mainly one person actually , deciding when n how much pain I felt. This said person still continues t harm me so for now I feel as though I still need my lighter , n although I am aware it's not a permanent solution , it's js so I can make it a while clean until I feel mentally prepared to stop altogether.

long road · 06-09-2023, 05:37 PM

I wouldn't say burning is better than cutting. No self harm is really safe or good. And I think the thing with burning is the wound care is trickier than with cutting and there is a greater chance of infection. I guess if you are burning less frequently than you cut and you were cutting quite deep then technically you might be doing less harm to yourself. But that is really hard to judge over the internet.

But it is a coping mechanism one that all of us here understand, just not a healthy coping mechanism.

There is something called harm minimisation that you might want to read up on. Which is about when it's difficult to stop instead trying to reduce the severity of your self harm, making sure to use clean tools, practising proper wound care that kind of thing.

I know personally how hard it is to stop I self harmed regularly from the ages of 15 through to 22. And while self harm is no longer a regular thing for me I still get urges and I have slipped up a few times in the intervening years. Currently I am 30 and about 6 months self harm free.

There are some good resources on the abuse and bullying section of the forum that you might find helpful with regards to what triggers you.

I personally experienced a lot of bullying as a kid and was assaulted which is the reason I started self harming as a teenager so I do get it.

Hope something I have written helps you out. I joined this forum aged 17 and it really helped me and still does. Things got good enough I wasn't active online for at least 7 or 8 years.