Contains sexual abuse - Indifference or repression?

[McCloud]

Hello.
I have memories of having been sexually abused as a child by a friend of my mother's.
Despite having detailed memories about it still have doubts that it ever happened because my feelings towards this are complete indifference.
I did not discuss this with my therapist but she has voiced the theory that my indifference towards many things is a defense mechanism caused by being overwhelmed by things that have happened to me in the past.
I am aware that most people who have suffered abuse would be glad to feel indifferent towards what happened to them but it doesn't feel right to me.
I sometimes do things that show me that my relationship with sexuality is not healthy and when I try to look at it from an objective perspective I think it is likely that this was caused by the abuse.
The reason why I am having difficulty accepting this is because it does not feel that way to me.
I don't feel like I care but I seem to do.
Can anyone understand that?

[Sooty]

Hi McCloud,

I really do feel like I can empathise with you here. For a long time I had numbness and absolutely no feelings towards my past sexual abuse. For a long time now I've tried to make myself be more outwardly affected like getting angry or upset or sad about it. It's a limbo sort of feeling and your therapist I think is right in saying it's a defence mechanism... a way of being aware of the past but not letting it play on your emotions. I definitely think it's worth talking this through with your therapist. Maybe you can evoke some emotion towards your past using your senses rather than your memories. Best of luck.

Sophie.x

[Alysskea]

I definitely empathise.
I was abused for most of my childhood, and it wasn't until recently (I'm 21) that I started to 'care'.
This is basically due to dissociation - it's a defence mechanism.
You have a lot of stuff to deal with in life - friends, school work etc and you aren't in a place where you're ready to let yourself feel everything.
That's fine.
Brains are clever, they will adjust your memories and emotions according to what you can cope with.
That system does get broken though, which is what causes MH problems and trauma.