Intense emotional pain

[tamobhuuta]

I wouldn't advise that! Keep phoning! I hope you manage to talk.

[one_step_closer]

I managed to phone and talk to someone. She just said this stuff (the men) has been going on for a long time and I tried to explain how additional things are happening now but she didn't understand. She just said I'm good at occupying myself and staying distracted and I should talk to the psych about my meds when he phones next month, if he phones. I can't explain anything properly. People always think I'm fine. Now the phone call is done there is nothing left to try. It's all so hopeless.

[Pi.R^2]

Well done for persevering and calling, though I'm sorry that they weren't any use. Was it at least helpful to be able to share what's going on?

[one_step_closer]

I don't feel like I shared anything. She didn't listen to the important part of things with the men changing. She just focused on distraction and functioning. And I can't phone back and explain the same things to someone else. This is why it was a bad idea to discharge me from my CPN.

[Pi.R^2]

It's so frustrating that you seem to have been rushed through to the distraction bit without giving you proper time to talk about what's been going one. I can understand why you don't feel like calling back particularly soon, but I hope that next time you do decide to call them that you'll be given more time.

Do you think you can manage with distractions or do you think you're at particularly high risk of harm at the moment?

[Pomegranate]

I’m sorry you didn’t feel heard by duty. Would it be worth asking them if you can have an appointment to review your crisis and contingency plan so that Duty know what you find helpful, and what you don’t etc. Like ‘Lindsey needs space and time to talk about what’s happening and feel heard’. It can be put as an ‘alert’ on notes so it comes up when the person who answers opens them.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you both.

I'm probably safe except from if the men want me to do bigger things or if they do something wrong in their experiments on me. I'm mostly too upset and low in energy to harm myself the way I want to.

I could maybe talk to Duty about what I need when I phone and see if they can put it in my notes if that's possible. I'd be a bit scared though. It's just when I speak about the men they just assume nothing has changed because the men have been around for a long time. They don't take it in when I say that yes it is a long standing thing but there are new things happening with them at the moment that haven't happened before or for a while.

[Pomegranate]

That must be very disheartening for you- to pluck up the courage to call and then feel that you aren’t being heard?

Could we help you to draft a letter that you could post to them? Of like things that highlight ‘the men’ are getting worse or you are struggling to a point that needs an increased level of support? If you wrote and asked for written confirmation that they’d received the letter, you wouldn’t have to have phone bravery to communicate those needs, as such?

[Pomegranate]

Maybe have a think about how you know ‘the men’ are being more intense?

What do they say or do that is different from normal for you? Or ‘new’? You said you feel people aren’t getting how much worse they are- what are they doing that’s worse?

I know that might be a tricky question for multiple reasons, but if you can highlight what’s different, that’s maybe the first step in communicating your need for a different level of support

[Pomegranate]

Or is it that the men come out more loudly when you have less emotional reserves? Almost as if they were a tannoy for your emotional distress?

[one_step_closer]

Thanks, I'll need to think about it if I can find the brain space.

Things continue to change with the men. Last night I got up to go to the toilet and I felt really unwell. It was like there was huge air pressure in my chest, I was light headed, and my limbs were all wobbly and weak. It continued like that for a while when I went to bed. Today I have felt like there is a different presence from the other world following me around. Not bad, not good, just neutral.

I went to the gym still a bit light headed but I had to stop on the treadmill because I felt more unwell. I spoke to the support worker and she wants me to phone Duty and straight away say that things have been different and that I need them to listen and not just say that it's general stuff with the men because I've never experienced the men in this way or the other ways they have been around recently. I couldn't phone today and tomorrow I'm meeting up with my brother for his birthday so I'd have to phone on Thursday so they'll think I'm fine. I have written to them before about losing my CPN and they didn't offer any acknowledgement of receiving the letter or any reply. I'll need to look back at what has been going on and try to plan what to say but my brain is tired. I will try my best.

Thanks again for your replies, they are definitely things to consider.

[one_step_closer]

My brother cancelled. But I don't have the bravery to phone Duty.

[one_step_closer]

Now the men are so loud it's hard to communicate with people. It's too late to phone Duty today because they finish soon. I'm worried about the book group and the gym where I'd have to be able to listen and respond to people. I hope I can phone Duty tomorrow and someone I trust answers. It's getting really hard to cope with daily life.

[tamobhuuta]

I hope you get someone helpful x

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. I've already phoned and hung up twice. I need to stop being like this. I think when I try to explain things vocally it just sounds stupid, no one can understand the gravity of what's going on. I made notes. I have a reminder in my phone to call again later. Wish me luck please. I thought about asking my support worker to call for me but she'd probably miss out important parts simply because she's not me and she's not going through this.

[tamobhuuta]

I will definitely wish you luck. Be brave! You can do this.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. I phoned and they were on a visit but they phoned me back. It seems like nothing is a problem according to them. I was told to go for a walk and I can talk things through with my psych whenever my next appointment is. This whole almost drowning out everything with the mens noise and whoever is making further noise on top of that is new to me. I can usually hear people ok even when the men etc are making noise because it's not too loud. She didn't acknowledge the physical symptoms of me being experimented on. It really is only my previous CPN who really hears me and sorts out support for me if she thinks it's needed and obviously I can't ask to talk to her I just need to hope that she will be on Duty and will be the person who answers.

[one_step_closer]

I went to a book club today knowing I would find it too hard and also although I like books I don't like book clubs. The people had all been before and had the book and read the prescribed pages, even if I had the book and had read the pages I wouldn't have had an opinion. They were all very loud and talkative and I was shaking and trying to hold it back as much as I could. I could feel my lips almost getting to twitching point and like I was going to cry. The men were around for a bit and I was distracted. Even when I did have things to say I was spoken over which always happens because I have a quiet voice. I don't think I'm going back. Stupidly I just thought I'd try. I see the word 'book' and immediately think anything about books is a good thing. I have to take the book back to them I just want to pass it on to someone who can then pass it on to the group leader. Failure as always.

[one_step_closer]

I don't know if I should phone Duty. There's a lot going on that I would tell my CPN if I had one but I'm not sure if Duty is like a replacement CPN and they just tell me to talk to my psych when I have an appointment. By the time I have an appointment I will have forgotten the important points because there are so many. That's why I wish I had a CPN so I could tell them things regularly.

[tamobhuuta]

How are you? Have you spoken to Duty?

Try writing down everything as you think of it so you're not having to remember it. Then when you do get am appointment make another copy so you and the psych can both see what you want to talk about.