It's Never Enough [SI/Drug Abuse]

[Heretic]

I’m really anxious right now. I don’t know how much more I can take of this -- I’ve been feeling really bad lately and it hasn’t gotten any better the last couple of days. In fact it’s been worse, and tomorrow I have to be to work, and I don’t think I can deal. I don’t think I can handle the people right now and all the problems -- I feel like cutting and the urge isn’t going away no matter what I do. I feel horrible.

And then my lovey tells me last night that if I cut he's going to be seriously pissed off at me. Ha, like that f*ckin helps. He doesn't understand anything -- he acts like he does sometimes, but he really doesn't. It just makes me feel worse, it makes me feel even more guilty about it because I don't want him to be mad. I hate it when he's made at me, it makes me feel like sh*t, but I also feel like there nothing I can do about it. It's going to happen sooner or later if I keep feeling like crap.

It’s really messed up though. I’m never good enough, anything I do is never enough. I could go months without cutting, months without hitting, or any form of self injury -- and the next time I slip up he turns it into a big catastrophe. I don’t think he will ever understand. My trying to stop is never enough.

It also doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to get anymore vicodin pills this week. I’m not out yet, but my friend who normally helps me out is out of town at the moment and the only person I know who might have some isn’t returning my calls. It’s not a big deal right now but with every pill I take I know the count is getting lower and lower. Ugh … I wish I could just stop.

I don’t know what to do.

And to add to everything my mother’s been driving me nuts recently. It’s “Do this and do that” and she doesn’t understand that when I get off work I’m tired. I could work insane hours and on my day off I don’t get to relax and it’s pissing me off. Yet she bitches about her 3 hour job and how she’s too tired to do anything when she gets off work.

It’s f*cking irritating.

I’m sick of my family in general at the moment. I just want to give up -- I can’t take much more of this. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

[Undomiel]

**Hugging you**

No..It really doesn't sound like he understands if all he does in pile on the pressure and not appreciate how hard you're trying and how a slip up would be just that; a slip up.

Any chance you could show him this post? Or tell him what you've said in it? He's making things harder for you when he should be making them easier and supporting you MORE when you feel you might SH not less..

I'm sorry your mother is being so demanding and unreasonable too..
Is there any way you could get a couple of days off work? Just so you have some time to get some strength back, a lot of this is probably even harder to deal with because you're so tired...it sounds like you're completely shattered.

Sorry I wish I could help more but I don't have the words..

Please look after yourself..you ARE doing amazingly well fighting the urges whatever he says or makes you feel...you've been doing your best and that should be enough for him.

[Sometimes Crazy]

I can really understand how upsetting and pressuring his words were. It can be difficult for someone who cares about us a lot to understand why we SI and why we can't stop just because they say so. Maybe you could sit down and explain to him how hard you are trying and give him suggestions of how he could help? This thread may help as well - this has a few suggestions of how I explained my self-harming and it's worked pretty well, maybe you could give it a go if you felt up to it?

I also know exactly how it feels with demanding parents - it can be so stressful (and thereby triggering!) to try and keep your cool with them. Do you think catching your mum at a good time when she's relatively calm will give you oppurtunity to tell her how you feel? Or even writing things down can help to get things off your chest. I agree that it may be an idea to take some time off work until you're feeling stronger? Is that possible? Take care sweetheart and I'm only a PM away if you need a chat :)

xx