Sorry if this isn't applicable here, but I really need help and I don't know who to ask.
My close friend was raped 3 months ago here at the university we attend. She is my roommate. I didn't find out about it until a month later. She outwardly seemed normal during that month, and in the 2 months since. Her behavior hasn't seemed drastically different. The only thing different is that she went out a lot during the first month of school, and hasn't gone out once in the past 2 months.
I can't tell which things are related to the incident and which aren't. For instance, she stopped going to parties, but she did go out twice between the rape and me finding out about it. After I found out about it, she hasn't gone out at all (2 months ago). She says that it's because she just got bored of going out to parties, which I can believe.
Also, she has stopped going to almost all of her classes and she never seems to want to leave the room. She isn't a very good student though, and says she doesn't go to her classes because she doesn't want to. And she says she doesn't go outside or do that much in the winter because she has Seasonal Affective Disorder and she just wants to sleep a lot.
I don't know which of these things is wholly true and which may be related to her rape. I am really concerned that she is traumatized or upset and isn't telling anyone. I am the only person who knows about her rape, and she didn't even mean to tell me; she was drunk.
She says it's not a big deal and she really isn't bothered by it. When I told her last week that I was worried about her and wanted her to be OK, her words were something along the lines of "I'm really fine, actually the only thing bothering me is that I'm fine and not more upset by it."
I don't know if this is her just covering up her pain or if she's being honest, and I really want to be able to help. I have no experience with rape, but I have never heard of anyone being completely OK after it happens, and I don't know what to think.
I asked her if there was someone she wanted to talk to and she said that she really didn't feel like talking to "some stranger." But she won't talk to me or her family or her other friends so I don't know :/
I really just don't know whether to believe that she's ok or not. I feel like it's improbable that someone would go through that and not be a little disturbed by it, but I just don't know.
Firstly, your friend is lucky to have someone like you. Despite what your friend is saying about being fine, it is likely she is traumatised by her experience. She sounds as if she is beginning to withdraw from everything which is definitely a massive concern. Have you encouraged her to go speak to a professional about it?
In the mean time, I think it's best to simply remain supportive of her. Have you established whether she's depressive and not wanting to leave her room? Or actually developing a genuine fear? If she says it's because she doesn't want due to her mood, the best thing is to encourage her to talk to her doctor about it. If she's already been diagnosed with something then perhaps they will know the best way in supporting her in this regard (possibly with anti depressants until her mood picks up)
Don't force her to talk about it, but be there to listen if she ever does. It's really difficult for rape victims to open up, so the best thing you can do for her is to be there and to listen.
If she is genuinely afraid of leaving the room, I don't know about it. She doesn't seem depressive either, but she doesn't share much of anything as far as emotions go.
Actually, I asked her if she was depressed (I was drunk, I probably could have phrased things differently but oh, well) and she swore she wasn't depressed or suicidal. I mean, it really seemed like she was being honest.
She doesn't seem depressed; she does seem slightly withdrawn though. I am just not sure if this may be the Seasonal Affective Disorder.
She does not have a psychiatrist or anything of the sort, and doesn't seem to want to talk to any professional as she says she does not need help.
I suppose maybe she really is ok, and I'm just overdramatizing the situation, I just can't help but worry.
Of course you will worry, she is your friend. Let her know you are there for her. You could maybe get her a journal for christmas?
It may be worth encouraging her to speak to a counsellor or her GP. As she needs support.
I doubt you're over dramatising it. People react to rape in different ways. Maybe just tell her that you're worried about her and let her know that she can talk to you if she needs to. She might just want to not let it affect her, but from the people I know, I'd say it does always have some affect. Let her know that you don't think it's her fault (this shouldn't even be something anyone would think, but unfortunately society hasn't really picked up on this fact) and that there's nothing wrong or weak about being affected by rape. It's an event that effects people. That doesn't mean she can't work through the emotional effects and get back to the way she was before. It just means that she doesn't have to be "strong" and not "let it affect her".
I hope this helps you.
Subtract out the impact
And the fall is all you get - Ani DiFranco, So What
i'm not sure how your uni works... but i know that at my school, when i was seriously worried about my roommate, someone suggested that i go to the dean and let her know that my roommate was struggling, and then the dean could talk to her and make her go to counselling just for an evaluation. and wouldn't have to say who told her. i don't know if that is just because my school is small though and we all know the deans...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Yeah, I think it's a bit different at my school, since it's quite large. But thanks for the advice everyone, it did help and hopefully I will be able to talk to her again about this.
