I'm not going to post this in Serious
because technically,
I'm not a massive danger to myself/at a particularly high risk of ending my life,
I'm told to be a high risk 24/7,
and that's nothing new,
so seeing as I'm not plotting to end my life in the next day or two,
I figured I would post here instead
[plus I don't want others who need support/help more than me go without].
Christmas is usually very difficult for me and my family,
ever since my beloved Nan passed away.
I usually cope by harming myself/overdosing/self harm/eating disordered behaviors/substance abuse.
My sister copes by just completely isolating herself, or by ignoring and burying her feelings.
My mother who is a alcoholic, well, she copes through alcohol, which is a given,
but more so.
My Grandad has a new partner, so he just kind of goes with the motions.
The rest of the family just ignore it, don't acknowledge it, etc.
So, add on everything else that's going on,
+ Christmas
= not good result.
I've recently just broken up with my partner
[yet again...but this time for good],
recent meaning today,
and that's really producing intense and extreme emotions/thoughts/urges.
I felt very positive...
free of it all...
[wasn't a stable or healthy relationship]
...
but now I'm starting to really feel it.
The grief, loss, confusion, anger, upset, betrayal, hurt, pain, hatred,
alongside the love I have for her.
If anyone has read my R&V, they'll know the situation with that lovely fairytale gone wrong.
My CPN is leaving after New Years, so that's bringing up things for me.
Abandonment, particularly.
[BPD-shiz isn't very good.]
I feel like begging him to stay, getting on my knees, pleading with him.
[I kind of feel the same way about my ex right now,
but I know that is not an option,
and I'm trying to stick to this decision.]
I don't want him to leave me.
He's the best professional I have ever had.
He understands me 99.9999%.
He knows me so well, like no one else has before.
He knows about everything.
We have a close special connection, and it's being ripped apart before my eyes.
I don't know how to cope with that at all.
So, not really helping things either.
I'm trying so hard to stay out of hospital,
but it's looking more and more likely that it is the only option.
My CPN has said he is going to try and get it all sorted before he leaves
[applying for it, the funding, the placement, etc.]
He said the only other option here would be in a supported community,
he explained it like kind of supported accommodation, but also in a hospital environment, staff 24/7, etc.
And that really frightens me.
Not just because of the obvious changes,
but also because it would mean leaving my mother who is a severe alcoholic.
I've always taken cared of her.
I've always made sure she was okay.
I've always looked out for her.
I've always kind of been like a parent to her.
She worries me sick, she feels like she is my responsibility,
because if I don't, then who will?
And everyone keeps saying to me that she isn't, that it is toxic and it is making me worse and it isn't good for me and all that stuffs.
But I love her, she's my Mum and I can't lose her, no matter what she has done/said in the past, I still love her and need her and want her and can't even bear the thought of losing her, so it's all on me to make sure that cannot happen.
The voices are being so loud lately, having more and more "episodes"
[not sure how else to phrase it]
where they get so loud that I even talk and scream back to them,
begging them to
leave me alone
for
just
10 minutes...
10 measly minutes!
They keep telling me to hurt myself and overdose and end my life,
that I'm an evil horrible person,
that I don't deserve anything good,
that I deserve punishment,
that I need to do it so everyone is safe and happy
[I usually have to do certain "compulsions" to keep my loved ones safe,
OCD-stuffs,
but this is a constant urge,
that I have to end my life so that people are safe and happy and okay...].
I'm trying so hard to not listen to them and to keep myself distracted and to keep fighting and trying
but it's draining and exhausting
and it's getting harder and harder to do this.
And now that this time of the year is here, it's getting more difficult.
I have no professional support until early Jan,
crisis team isn't an option
[all they really do is say "go have a cup of tea, go have a bath"
- yeah because that will make the voices and urges and thoughts and flashbacks and difficulties vanish!],
I was told to go to A&E if things get really bad/am a particularly high risk,
but I can't do that to the people in my life,
so really,
I have no clue as to what to do over the next few weeks until I see my CPN again.
It feels like I am always fighting and battling and trying and it feels never-ending...
I'm at a loss of what to do anymore.
Any support/advice/input would be greatly appreciated
and I'd be incredibly thankful.
I hope everyone is as okay as can be
and is as safe as possible
and I hope those who are having a hard time,
particularly with this time of the year
[it isn't all happy times at Xmas]
are coping as well as they can be
/reaches out for support like I am trying to do.
That all sounds so difficult, even more so as everything seems to be happening all at once.
What have you planned to do for Christmas, are you staying home or visiting family...?
It's good that you can acknowledge that it wasn't a healthy relationship, but I understand it's still incredibly difficult.
Do you think you could look back at your RVs or write a list of why it was such an unhealthy relationship and why you are better off now and then you can look at it when you start to feel upset by it. Not saying that will get rid of the feelings, but it may help you rationalise it a bit?
Are you going to be seeing a new CPN. It's difficult when professionals leave, especially when you get on with them so well.
Have you spoken to him about your feelings around him leaving?
Maybe hospital wouldn't be such a bad thing.
You have a great deal going on and it sounds like you're really, really struggling and could do with some extra support and help.
I know you're worried about your mum, but you shouldn't have to be looking after her like you are. Although I totally understand why you don't want to leave her. Does she have any support herself? Do you think she'd be in real danger if she was on her own?
It's really good that you've been trying not to listen to the voices. Does listening to music through headphones or anything help at all?
I'm sure the people that care about you (me included!) would much rather you go to A&E and get some help than end up doing something dangerous.
I'm glad you posted this. Keep strong lovely
xxx
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm sorry to hear things are so bad at the moment. It sounds like it's just been one thing after another for you, and that sounds very overwhelming, so well done for asking for support and I wanted you to know that I read this, even if there's not much helpful that I can offer.
Christmas can be a very difficult time with family things like that. It sounds like you were very close to your nan, would it be helpful to do something in memory of her this Christmas? It's difficult when families cope in such different and sometimes destructive ways, so maybe something like that would be nice for you to do (although I know it's not helpful for everyone).
I'm sorry to hear you've broken up with your partner too - it sounds like she wasn't treating you with the love, respect and kindness that you deserve, but that doesn't take away that pain and sadness when you love someone. Take care with yourself this Christmas - give yourself time to cope with it, have some quiet time when you need it (especially as Christmas is an exhausting time anyway), and do some nice things for yourself (favourite DVD, a bubble bath, doing something creative, anything you like).
What's happening with your treatment after your CPN leaves, are you getting a new CPN? Would it help to write a letter to your CPN as a kind of 'goodbye' and thank you to him, or to see if there's ways to build up trust with the person you see next? I know hospital sounds like a terrifying option, and it's incredibly difficult with your family circumstances. But remember like on aeroplanes too - putting your own oxygen mask on first, if you see what I mean. I hope they can sort out soon the help you need, because you deserve to have a happy future, honestly you do.
Do try to look after yourself the best you can - you are at very high risk with your self-harm, so try to stay as safe as possible and ask for help if you need it. <3
I'm sorry I can't say anything more helpful, but I'm here if you need support x
You have a huge amount of difficult stuff going on - I'm not surprised you need some support! All this at once must be majorly difficult for you. But fair enough if you'd rather talk it through on this board than the serious board.
With a few of the things you mention the best advice (although I'm fairly sure you've heard it before) is stick it out, because it will pass! Christmas at least will be all over in 2 days - and quite a lot of us here will be pleased about that.
Breakups produce incredibly intense feelings, with or without mental health problems alongside. If the relationship was not good for you you've made the right decision - so stick to it. The feelings will soften a bit as the days and weeks go by.
I'm sorry your CPN is leaving, that's just a shame and will be sad for you. Will you get him a card and write something in it about what a good CPN he has been and that you will miss him. That might help round things off somehow.
If your CPN knows you incredibly well and you trust him, we can assume he's right about you needing to be in hospital, or a high support community. I'm going to say the same to you as others said about your Mum - it's a toxic situation looking after an alcoholic whilst very unwell yourself. You love her and you will still see her and keep in touch, but it's not your responsibility to manage her life, and a break from living with her will probably do you good.
The current stresses are probably making the voices worse. You're not an evil person and it sounds like you are being very brave with trying not to listen to them and doing all you can to distract yourself. Do you have any PRN medication you can take to soften them a bit?
Of course go to A&E if you are at immediate risk, but you say that's not the case right now. Do you find calling the samaritans or saneline helpful - just for not going through it all on your own? Is your GP any good to talk to?
Try to take it day by day, or hour by hour until you get to see the CPN again in January. This probably isn't the best time to think about long-term plans - leave those until you see the CPN. Hopefully things will pick up slightly in the New Year.
xx
I dont really have the words right now.
But I wanted you to know that its ok to post and you deserve support.
You know where I am!!
Keep fighting little one
xxx
My head is a bit mushy but I wanted to say I read this and I care. I will post when I have the words.
Take care of yourself tomorrow <3
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I don't have any advice right now Sar' but I want you to know I'm here for you and I care and I'm leaving hugs xx
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
I agree with the others about your mum not being your responsibility and second all their questions about what support she has, and what you think the consequences would be of you not being around for her. You are very ill yourself, and even someone who was completely physically and mentally well would struggle to be in your position. I know you have such a drive to take care of your mum, but ultimately, is it sustainable in the long-term? Would it not be better to be in supported housing temporarily and being able to take care of your health and offer her more distant support, than continuing the way you are and possibly ending up even more ill and unable to support her at all?
I agree with the others about your mum not being your responsibility and second all their questions about what support she has, and what you think the consequences would be of you not being around for her. You are very ill yourself, and even someone who was completely physically and mentally well would struggle to be in your position. I know you have such a drive to take care of your mum, but ultimately, is it sustainable in the long-term? Would it not be better to be in supported housing temporarily and being able to take care of your health and offer her more distant support, than continuing the way you are and possibly ending up even more ill and unable to support her at all?
How are things going now?
I know, I know you are right about the last part.
It probably isn't sustainable in long term, particularly as I'm just getting worse, as is my Mum...
I just worry for her so much if I'm not around.
If I am away for just one night, I worry myself sick about her, having to call her and text her, making sure she is okay, asking how she is, if she's going to bed soon, to not drink so much[she doesn't listen to me either way but worth a shot at least], and I worry I will come back and find her dead.
It probably is better to be in supported community/housing and taking care of myself, and offering her support, rather than worsening myself and unable to support her at all...
I just don't know how to take that step...
It terrifies me, frightens me, that if I do take that massive step, what will happen to my Mum?
Will she truly be okay?
What if she hurts herself, what if she ends up in hospital with the damage she's doing to herself, what if she ends up killing herself or passes away???
All these what ifs and will she's and such are boggling my mind and making me really scared if they actually do happen and I wasn't there to stop it.
Things are not going very well.
I have had a rough few nights, and last night, there was a lot of drama with someone, and honestly, I don't need that crapola right now, really don't, it's pretty pathetic and low what happened with this person, but honestly, I have much more important things to focus on than that.
Me and my ex are just...blah.
I have to see her again to give her the rest of her meds, her stuff, etc.
But usually, on our break ups, if we are ever alone in the same room, it ends up with us having meaningless sex, or me begging her to get back together with me, or crying my eyes out and wanting to harm myself.
Either of those options, not exactly good outcomes.
The voices are quite loud today, so I'm trying to keep myself safe and distracted and music and on here and playing scrabble via facebook.
My M.E is quite bad, probably because I did too much yesterday
[I had a shower/bath, and I usually pay for it afterwards,
god,
some people are so lucky they can have a bath or shower every day/every other day,
I can barely cope with one once a week/fortnight,
it makes me that much more unwell...
I seriously miss the days before M.E!]
I've been self harming through other methods, apparently dangerous ones, damaging/etc, but that's kind of what I want, I need to be punished, I need to suffer, I need to hurt, I can't die peacefully, it has to be slow and painful.
The voices will leave me alone that way, too...
Bleh, I don't know.
Sorry.
Woe is me shiz.
Today, I'm kind of just numb...going through the motions...
Keeping myself distracted, though.
Thank you for replying & caring <3
[All of you guys. It means so much to me.]
Sorry it took so long to reply to you guys.
x
Quote:
Originally Posted by Papio
What I wouldn’t give to know exactly what to type or bring about to help in situations like this.
Best I can offer is a hug.
Col.
Hugs are just as good as anything, thank you.<3
Quote:
Originally Posted by CigarettesandLipstick
I don't have any advice right now Sar' but I want you to know I'm here for you and I care and I'm leaving hugs xx
Thank you NessySis <3
Means a lot to me.
xx
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mix Tape
Hey honey,
My head is a bit mushy but I wanted to say I read this and I care. I will post when I have the words.
Take care of yourself tomorrow <3
x x x
Thank you so much <3
I really appreciate your support & caring.
x
Quote:
Originally Posted by FloatingClouds
I dont really have the words right now.
But I wanted you to know that its ok to post and you deserve support.
You know where I am!!
Keep fighting little one
xxx
Thank you my Sis <3
Love you xxxx
Quote:
Originally Posted by Copernicus
You have a huge amount of difficult stuff going on - I'm not surprised you need some support! All this at once must be majorly difficult for you. But fair enough if you'd rather talk it through on this board than the serious board.
With a few of the things you mention the best advice (although I'm fairly sure you've heard it before) is stick it out, because it will pass! Christmas at least will be all over in 2 days - and quite a lot of us here will be pleased about that.
Breakups produce incredibly intense feelings, with or without mental health problems alongside. If the relationship was not good for you you've made the right decision - so stick to it. The feelings will soften a bit as the days and weeks go by.
I'm sorry your CPN is leaving, that's just a shame and will be sad for you. Will you get him a card and write something in it about what a good CPN he has been and that you will miss him. That might help round things off somehow.
If your CPN knows you incredibly well and you trust him, we can assume he's right about you needing to be in hospital, or a high support community. I'm going to say the same to you as others said about your Mum - it's a toxic situation looking after an alcoholic whilst very unwell yourself. You love her and you will still see her and keep in touch, but it's not your responsibility to manage her life, and a break from living with her will probably do you good.
The current stresses are probably making the voices worse. You're not an evil person and it sounds like you are being very brave with trying not to listen to them and doing all you can to distract yourself. Do you have any PRN medication you can take to soften them a bit?
Of course go to A&E if you are at immediate risk, but you say that's not the case right now. Do you find calling the samaritans or saneline helpful - just for not going through it all on your own? Is your GP any good to talk to?
Try to take it day by day, or hour by hour until you get to see the CPN again in January. This probably isn't the best time to think about long-term plans - leave those until you see the CPN. Hopefully things will pick up slightly in the New Year.
xx
Thank you so much for replying.
It means a lot that you care enough to not only read but to offer support/advice, so thank you.
[All of you, actually.]
Like you said, Xmas is finally truly over!
Now I just have to get through New Years, but it's not as bad as Xmas, so can kind of breathe now for a few days.
I am trying very hard to stick to the decision regarding the break up.
Honestly, I have never had a relationship like this before.
This is our 6th break up in as little as 8 months.
Usually, we get back together, then it gets better, and better, and then she decides to break up with me and ruin it, then begs me to take her back / I beg her, and we get back together, rinse and repeat.
But I'm trying this time to stick at it, especially after everything she has done to me.
I may not deserve much, but I don't deserve this.
Yes, I will def be getting my CPN a card & present.
He has been amazing with me, despite times where I have either shouted/cursed at him, put my walls up, refused to speak to him, walked out of appts, etc, and he still has stuck with it with me, through it all.
I just really do not want him to leave...
I know it isn't my responsibility to care for my Mum, but who else will do it if I don't?
If I do go, she will be here, all alone, with her alcohol.
Possibly suicidal/depressed.
And if she tries anything while not on my watch...it'd be my fault for not being there.
I can't let that happen...
I love her so much, despite everything that's happened, she's my Mum, and I cannot lose her.
If I don't take care of her, no one else will...
That's my most major concern about all of this...and I haven't a clue what to do about it all.
I don't have any PRN medication right now, I used to have some, or sleeping tablets to help me sleep and not be awake at night which is when I am most at risk of myself, but I need to go back to my GP to get a prescription, and obviously being the holidays, they haven't been open, and I won't be able to get an appt til next week, at least.
I am distracting myself as much as I can, music, going on here, DVDs, scrabble, etc.
Just, sometimes, they are too loud to even do that.
Just wish it'd go away.
All of it...
I actually have called the samaritans before, and they were very understanding and supportive, I guess I could do that as a last resort if all else fails.
My GP is not so much good to talk to, he kind of just throws pills at you lol.
Mind you, the pills do help, but not much of a confiding GP.
I will take it hour by hour, I usually have to do it like that.
I will try not to think about long term plans, they frighten me to death anywho, so best to avoid thinking about it.
Thank you again for caring & replying <3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Too Shy
I'm sorry to hear things are so bad at the moment. It sounds like it's just been one thing after another for you, and that sounds very overwhelming, so well done for asking for support and I wanted you to know that I read this, even if there's not much helpful that I can offer.
Christmas can be a very difficult time with family things like that. It sounds like you were very close to your nan, would it be helpful to do something in memory of her this Christmas? It's difficult when families cope in such different and sometimes destructive ways, so maybe something like that would be nice for you to do (although I know it's not helpful for everyone).
I'm sorry to hear you've broken up with your partner too - it sounds like she wasn't treating you with the love, respect and kindness that you deserve, but that doesn't take away that pain and sadness when you love someone. Take care with yourself this Christmas - give yourself time to cope with it, have some quiet time when you need it (especially as Christmas is an exhausting time anyway), and do some nice things for yourself (favourite DVD, a bubble bath, doing something creative, anything you like).
What's happening with your treatment after your CPN leaves, are you getting a new CPN? Would it help to write a letter to your CPN as a kind of 'goodbye' and thank you to him, or to see if there's ways to build up trust with the person you see next? I know hospital sounds like a terrifying option, and it's incredibly difficult with your family circumstances. But remember like on aeroplanes too - putting your own oxygen mask on first, if you see what I mean. I hope they can sort out soon the help you need, because you deserve to have a happy future, honestly you do.
Do try to look after yourself the best you can - you are at very high risk with your self-harm, so try to stay as safe as possible and ask for help if you need it. <3
I'm sorry I can't say anything more helpful, but I'm here if you need support x
Just replying to me and reading and caring means a lot, really, thank you.
Xmas is over, thank God.
I don't have to think about it now, or think about how my Nan isn't here with me.
It just feels wrong to celebrate without her...
Either way though, it's all over, so can finally breathe now.
I am being gentle with myself regarding the break up.
I had a shower last night/bath.
[I have a bathtub and a shower, so I usually have to sit down while the shower is on because it's too much to stand with my M.E, but it was very calming and soothing, despite the way it makes me feel with my M.E.]
I am watching my DVDs, and it does help, to focus on something, rather than going over and over about the break up, etc.
I am getting a new CPN, I am hoping though that my current CPN can meet with the new one with me and explain some things about me to the new one, like how to better understand me, and things that make me upset/angry, things that help, things that don't help, etc.
I might actually ask him to do that when I see him next.
I will def write a letter to him, and I'm going to buy him some chocolates as a thank you present.
I just don't want him to leave me.
I want him to stay.
He's one of the best professionals I have ever seen.
And now he's leaving.
It's like...we have a very close, trusting, amazing bond/relation, and it's like watching that being torn before my eyes, and I can't do anything about it.
I want to beg him to stay...but I know that's extremely inappropriate.
I just don't want him to go.
I want him to stay!
I know it's ridiculous to get so upset about it, but yeah.
I know hospital/supported community is a good option/idea, well, my CPN said it's most likely the only other option right now for me, as I'm "too ill" to do DBT, and I can't get funding for specialist hospital.
But then I don't want to get my hopes up like I did before, and have them crushed again.
I will def ask about it and ask more about what it will be like, the routine, the rules, the help available, what it's like, the other people there, etc.
If I am offered it, I will def take it.
I am trying very hard to keep myself safe, I know I'm at very high risk with my self harm, I haven't actually cut seriously since a few months back when I needed major surgery, so that's actually quite good for me, okay, yes, I have cut since then, but I mean, like, really bad that it requires hospital/medical attention.
I have been self harming through other methods, but I really am trying...
It's just really difficult right now, and I'm starting to wonder what's the point.
Thank you again for replying, it means much much much to me.<3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cacoethes
*massive hugs*
That all sounds so difficult, even more so as everything seems to be happening all at once.
What have you planned to do for Christmas, are you staying home or visiting family...?
It's good that you can acknowledge that it wasn't a healthy relationship, but I understand it's still incredibly difficult.
Do you think you could look back at your RVs or write a list of why it was such an unhealthy relationship and why you are better off now and then you can look at it when you start to feel upset by it. Not saying that will get rid of the feelings, but it may help you rationalise it a bit?
Are you going to be seeing a new CPN. It's difficult when professionals leave, especially when you get on with them so well.
Have you spoken to him about your feelings around him leaving?
Maybe hospital wouldn't be such a bad thing.
You have a great deal going on and it sounds like you're really, really struggling and could do with some extra support and help.
I know you're worried about your mum, but you shouldn't have to be looking after her like you are. Although I totally understand why you don't want to leave her. Does she have any support herself? Do you think she'd be in real danger if she was on her own?
It's really good that you've been trying not to listen to the voices. Does listening to music through headphones or anything help at all?
I'm sure the people that care about you (me included!) would much rather you go to A&E and get some help than end up doing something dangerous.
I'm glad you posted this. Keep strong lovely
xxx
Thank you for replying and caring <3
On Xmas, I pretty much was housebound due to my M.E, my MH wasn't exactly good either, I ended up taking a lot of tablets over the day, trying to get out of reality, I'm just glad it's over now.
It's a good idea to list all the unhealthy aspects of our relationship.
The only thing that's making this harder is she is still talking to me via text.
And she's making it harder, it hurts more because she still talks like she cares and loves me.
Despite the fact she went drinking with her ex last night, doing God knows what, the same ex she cheated on me with beginning of this year.
I think the most unhealthiest aspect is me.
How far I'll go for her.
How much I'll fight for her/us.
How much I lose myself in this relationship, for her.
Honestly, if she asked me to take her back right this second, I probably would...
I'd forgive her for everything and get back together with her.
That's probably the most unhealthiest thing about this.
That I would get back together with her no matter what she has done or said, in a heart beat...
I'm just trying to keep a distance, and when she does speak to me, I try to refrain from calling her "baby", and saying I love her, and saying I want us back together, and trying to keep myself at a distance with her, like, kind of acting as though I am NOT in love with her/I DON'T care about her...because maybe, if I do it enough, I will begin to actually FEEL it...
Or at least for the time being, avoid getting close to her/getting my hopes up/etc.
I will be seeing a new CPN, yes.
I haven't spoken to him about how I feel yet.
When I see him again, I will
I just don't want him to leave.
I really don't.
It just means having to trust someone all over again.
It took me about 6 months + to trust my current CPN, to form a close bond, to become close with him and to let him in.
I hate doing it all over again.
I've seen so many professionals, and as soon as it starts to get really good, get really close, have that trust and that bond, they leave, and then I have to do it all over again with someone else...
It just hurts, I guess.
I know it's stupid, but yeah.
I honestly never want to see the inside of a hospital again after my recent section.
It was an extremely distressing and traumatic experience.
I was sexually assaulted, and harassed also by the person in question.
I was promised help/therapy - I got none.
I was promised to be kept safe/have someone with me 1-1 - I didn't.
I was promised to be safe/secure - I wasn't.
I was promised a lot of things, and I didn't get any single one.
The only plus about going there was meeting a few good friends, and obviously that's where I met my ex.
I managed to hurt myself more than 3 times in there, every single time, I asked for support, I went to staff, I explained how I was feeling, they did f*k all, so I hurt myself, which by the way, they barely give two tons about, they didn't give a crap how I was feeling, or that I was unsafe, or distressed.
The only thing I will say that was good was when I reported the person for sexual assault/harassment, they locked me in the girls lounge, they had an alarm with them when I was around him, a staff member was with him at all times, especially if he was around me, they reported it, and he was moved, that's the only good thing they did there.
I never want to go there again.
My days consisted of - get up, meds multiple times a day, meals[which I wouldn't barely eat, and would purge what I did eat, they weren't very well understanding of eating disorders, despite another lovely patient suffering with severe eating disorder, and they didn't give a crap, didn't understand whatsoever], countless cups of teas, rubbish TV which at one point a patient had complete control over it, and endless cigarettes.
I think that hospital made me ten times worse, because when I was discharged, it wasn't long before I harmed myself and ended up needing hours long surgery to save my life, and to save my arm from amputation,
and all they said at my discharge meeting was
"We can't help you, you have chronic illnesses that we cannot help you with, the patients here are able to recover and stablize, but we can't do that here for you."
- that made me feel ten times worse about everything, nice to know that I will never be able to be stable or cured or recovered or anything other patients were able to have by being there.
My CPN tried to get me funding for a specialist hospital where I would have been there for at least up to 2 years - that was a bust, because they denied funding, I guess when you have chronic illnesses and are unable to have any kind of stability/recovery/cured/etc, they won't want to fund you, because what's the point if there is no getting better?
That was my only shot though at getting better.
Okay, fine, I will never be not unwell, I will always be ill, but that place could have helped me COPE with my symptoms better, coped with my illnesses better... and surely that's better than nothing? Than apparently being at very high risk of ending my life?
I guess maybe that's why I get so wound up and angry and upset when I see some people getting funding and then wasting it like it's nothing. Throwing it away like it's rubbish. Especially when they do it over and over. When they get funding more than once, and they freaking don't use it at all, they waste peoples time, they waste the resources, they waste the funding, where some people, like myself, and many of my friends, would literally die to have a chance like that, to get funding, to get that sort of support and help...
Sorry, Rambling now.
If I were to be offered a place in the supported community, I will take it.
Anything has to be better than my current situation.
But then comes my Mum.
I don't want to leave her.
She has no support because she doesn't want it.
She admits she is an alcoholic, but she doesn't want to stop.
Despite the fact that she is really poorly, her body has become damaged already, irreversible damage... I'm so scared.
She doesn't realize just how damaging and dangerous it is.
She just drinks herself into oblivion every night, not realizing that she may not wake up the next morning.
That terrifies me.
If she were left on her own, I would fear for her safety.
She has been suicidal a lot of the years, and it's been me who has had to keep her safe, talk to her, comfort her, make sure she's okay, getting her to bed, checking on her, etc.
None of the family give a crap about her.
Only me.
There's just me.
And if I'm gone, who will take care of her?
No one...
That's the only massive problem about going into supported community...
And I don't know what to do about it, at all.
It's really good that you've been trying not to listen to the voices. Does listening to music through headphones or anything help at all?
Music helps with the voices, and distracting myself 100%.
Like replying on here, helping people, focusing on something completely so I can't focus on the voices, but sometimes they are so loud that I can't not focus on them...
I'm trying really hard though.
I don't feel like I can go to A&E, it'd just be wasting their time when they could be helping other people who are much more important and in need of immediate medical attention...
Thank you for replying, <3
It means a lot to me that people actually really care.
x
Quote:
Originally Posted by banana_bearxx
I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but I read and I care and wanted to leave you *hugs* thinking of you hang in there x
Just knowing you read and care and hugs are more than enough. Thank you <3
I do not wish to be rude about your mum, because obviously that would be unacceptable, so I hope I succeed in not doing so. You mentioned how it upsets you when people get help and IP treatment but waste it. Does it not upset you that you sacrifice your own health for your mum and she relies on you but has no interest in engaging with help to make her less reliant on you? I don't know a lot about your situation, but would hazard a guess that she perhaps doesn't see any need to seek help to take control of her own life because she knows that you'll always be there to pick up the pieces. What if you leaving, just for a little while, actually spurred her on to take a more active role in her own care? I do know the feeling of utter despair when you leave someone you care for, so I do understand that going to supported housing is a HUGE thing for you to do and that it's not a decision you can enter into lightly. I do hope it becomes an option for you though, as you deserve to take care of YOU for a change. If your mum ends up in hospital in your absence, that wouldn't be your fault. She is an adult capable of taking responsibility for herself, or at least capable of presenting herself at A and E is she finds herself unable to take responsibility for herself. It could even turn out to be a good thing- she might get admitted somewhere helpful that keeps her safe and also encourages her to take some steps towards her own recovery.
How did she cope last time you were in hospital?
I can't stress enough that I cannot even comprehend the complexity of your situation, and if anything I've said is inaccurate or unrealistic then please do disregard it at once!
Oh, and I forgot to respond to the bit about your ex. It sounds like your 'wise mind' decision is that you ought not to be with her, but that your 'emotional mind' could easily get carried away once you see her again- is there anyone who could be with you when she comes to get her stuff? Even just having someone else in the room might help ground you in your resolution to not get back with her.
]
