Contains abuse - I thought I'd be better by now
Yet I don't know what to do with this pain. It's like my stomach doing flips so much it constantly hurts, I'm angry, so angry and in pain. I am currently reducing my antipsychotic because I have drug induced Parkinson's. But my mood has just plummeted I don't know if it is related or just circumstances I have all my memories of my abuse (I suppressed them after not being believed, after banging into a perpetrator in January I lost time and was overloaded with information) and get regular flashbacks. I've also been investigated for cancer which thankfully was negative. And I'm in my second year of a degree and work and exams are intense, I'm so behind.
I have to have a smear done and the only experience of sexual activity was my two assaults so I'm scared it'll take me back and I won't be in the doctors surgery anymore. My gp is doing it instead of a nurse and she's so kind to me but I just think she'll never see me the same way again. See me as my abuser did.
I just hate everything about my life right now, I see and feel no hope, I just want to be swallowed whole by the earth and disappear. I hate how I feel, I feel uncomfortable in my skin I want to peel it off and fly away. I've started self harming again, I can't seem to stop myself. I don't care. My fear is my mum will find out and I'm 25.. 25?! Not a teenager anymore and yet I have the same anxieties. I thought I'd stop, i thought I'd find myself and see worth in my being by now but I don't, I hate myself just as much as I did then.
I don't know what to do with all this, I'm reaching out here because I came here all those years ago and was understood and supported, I have faith in this community. I am sorry if I have upset anyone, I didn't know where else to turn.
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