Not sure what to say

[Bellatrix]

What are the options for your treatment now?

Like what is there available that could help, even if it's unorthodox? Do t think about cost right now, funding comes later, just what are the options?

[Fire Fly]

Would your team consider more of higher tier ward for pd? Like the cygnet in Beckton? We sent a lot of patients who have not got on with the Cassel or been rejected for whatever reason. It is meant to be good and you stay there most of the time not like Cassel.

[chinahorse]

I'm trying my best. Things are shit. I just can't. Clinging on to functioning. No one even cares.


I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I don't know what to say guus.

My existence is pointless. I should take all my painkillers.

[Bellatrix]

I've always cared

[Aubergine]

I know you're trying, Lillie. That comes across really clearly in your posts. I think that you're doing really well given the emotions that you are having to deal with on a daily/hourly basis.


I really hope it goes well with your psychiatrist. It can be hard to know what to say. Could you take a look back over some of your recent posts/RVs and write some things down or print them off? You communicate your feelings really well on the forum, even though it's hard because they hurt.


Your existence is not pointless. You have a lot to give to this world and the people in it. I hope you've managed to stay safe tonight.

[chinahorse]

Thank you.

Im so scared of going to this appointment. It's unusual for me cos I get on well with the psychiatrist. I'm tired.of having to battle through. And I'll have to spend money on a bus or taxi.

Going to ask for a change in antidepressant. I've never got on with venlafaxine and 5 months is a fair trial I think. It's difficult though because I'm hyper sensitive to anything which affects prolactin.

I'm sick of feeling so low and hopeless. It's pointless. I know other disagree but all I exist for is work. And others who don't work have better lives than me. How is that fair?

[Aubergine]

The battle is exhausting, I know. I know you're tired.


Asking for a change in antidepressant sounds like a plan. 5 months is a good trial. Have they adjusted the dose at any point in the time you've been on it? I hope the psychiatrist works with you to find something that's going to help lift your mood. Is your CC going to the appointment with you?


I don't think comparing your life to others is helpful, though I do understand how difficult it is not to do that. How's the search for a new job going? Work should only be part of life; it shouldn't consume you.

[chinahorse]

I went stright up to the second highest dose. There isn't much scope for adjustment. And tbf I've never much liked it like it dulls everything too much.

The search isnt going well. Not a single call back or interview.

I don't wanna go to this appointment. I'm sitting here panicking when I should be getting ready.

[Aubergine]

You can do it, Lillie. One step at a time. What do you need to do first?

[chinahorse]

Probably whack some mascara on as not much time for anything else.

Then put jeans or a skirt on. Then leave.

I just feel it's pointless. They hate me. I'm useless. There isn't anything left to offer. I feel sick at the Houghton of going outside.

[chinahorse]

Doesn't help that I don't feel very well.

[Aubergine]

Right, mascara on. Then jeans/skirt. Then out. You can do this, really you can.


It won't be helping that you don't feel physically well either. That can have a big impact on how you feel emotionally.


Go pop some mascara on and report back. Rooting for you.

[chinahorse]

Well ive now missed the only bus that will get me there on time. Yay. And urgh don't want to pay for a taxi but am going to have to.

[Aubergine]

It's a shame that you missed the bus, but a taxi will be nice, even if it will cost you extra money What time do you need to book the taxi for?

[chinahorse]

I made it! 2 mins to spare lol.

[Aubergine]

Well done. I really hope it's a positive appointment for you. Let us know how it goes.

[chinahorse]

The appointment went ok. They noticed I was super anxious though.

I'm coming off the venlafaxine slowly. Tempted just to stop it. I hate it.

Couldn't stand being outside the house so they didn't ask much else. I only managed one of my errands in town as well :/

I'm feeling quite out of body atm. Better after a nap but not great. I tried some grounding things but they didn't help.

[Aubergine]

I'm glad the appointment was OK. Did they suggest anything for the anxiety?


Venlafaxine is horrible to come off of if you come off to soon. I've come off it cold-turkey before and ended up in a right state. It is a nightmare physically and emotionally and you're struggling enough as it is. Please try not to add withdrawal on to everything else you're dealing with. Are they going to put you on anything else?


You did really well to do even one errand. It's hard sometimes. Try to be gentle with yourself.


What kind of grounding things have you tried?

[chinahorse]

No. I know they think I'm stupid. They even said I won't need another antidepressant. Even thpugh none of them saw me when I had to come off the last one. I was in the hospital staffs opinion a complete mess.

Mind I hope I don't have to go on one. I don't like taking so many pills. Just scared I'll end up a mess again. My cmht care but aren't proactive when things slip.

But I never wanted to go on venlafaxine. And now it's going to take too long to come off it. And you can't cross titrated.

I tried hot drink. Cold drink. Food. But I keep semi being sick.

[chinahorse]

This is too much. Everything. I feel so overwhelmed.