Ummmmm nooooooo! I chickened out of the bbq, but did eat some gyoza at home with my partner and a friend while watching Fight Club.
Yeah, I very much feel undeserving when it comes to food. I feel like I don't deserve near anything... I guess I was brought up being told that my medical needs cost money and caused trouble so grew to equate this to not being deserving. Having needs also makes me feel so vulnerable and it's frightening because if others see they can use that against me . It makes little sense I know...
Argh, cannot get my feet warm tonight. I'll try to keep fighting Liv, thanks. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it's nice to know I'm not alone
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm scared. Just plain terrified. Every minute and it never goes, the terror. It just sits on your shoulder watching... I feel like there is nowhere to hide. The panic attacks sometimes come every few minutes and after eating dinner I feel like my head is screaming!!!! It hurts. I can't say how much...... I don't want to do this
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm so totally ****ing terrified... I hate eating and it hurts that I'm not losing weight as unhealthy as that sounds... I'm scared I'll gain weight on the new meds; I'm scared I'll weigh more when I see the doctor and dietitian... I'm scared I'm going to be like this forever and that it'll never, ever get any better
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
It will get better, Cloud. *offers a hug* Have you tried distracting yourself a little bit to try to feel better?
Major Depression | Asperger's Syndrome | Anxiety NOS | Hints of OCD
Close your eyes. Don't you cry. Love's around you. In time, you'll fly. Don't you worry about the dark. I will light up the night with the love in my heart. I will burn like the sun that will keep you safe and warm. Like the smell of a rose on a summer's day, I will be there to take all your fears away. With the touch of my hand, I will turn your life to GOLD!
Thanks... yeah, the anxiety is just so bad though.... past midnight and no idea how I'll sleep....
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I just want to lose as much weight as I can before I see doctor next.... I can't stand this.... it feels like agony ANY food... ANYTHING other than skin and bones... I want it gone... I have no counselling next week... I can't do this... every day I wake up and wish I hadn't......
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I had the same thoughts about needing to lose as much weight as possible before seeing my doctor. It's really, really important to hold onto the fact that they will not want you to do that, they aren't going to judge you or think you're suddenly fine if you haven't lost as much weight as you think you 'should' have before seeing them, they will take you seriously, because you clearly do have difficulties.
Could you phone up and ask if there's some support you can get in the meantime until you next have counselling, to help you get through while you're feeling so awful?
I don't know Liv... I say this honestly because I just don't know if (and don't think) there is anyone. I'm off my antidepressants- I don't know yet if the new ones will do anything at all to shake this anxiety which is squeezing the life out of me... I guess I know with losing weight... it just feels like there isn't any point anymore. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm just shooting everything down but I really am trying... I can't describe what is happening in my head right now
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
What's left of my antidepressants in my system is definitely wearing off. I can't bear the thought of going to work on Monday and the bullying and intimidation- think I'll just call in sick as it's my last day. I feel so dizzy and physically ill and terrified of starting the new meds... i'm going back to restricting more because I can't deal with the feelings and everything else. I tend to cope better with the routine too. It's bad, but I'll make it balance
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Seeing my counsellor on Thursday and I'm terrified... I know how selfish this sounds but I'm so totally... I don't think anything really covers how frightened I am that she'll tell me I can't do this. I know I can't- not indefinitely- what my doctor will say. How I even feel going back to the doctor maintaining my weight. There is so much happening this is all that's keeping me even a tiny, tiny bit together. Part of me (getting smaller and smaller) still knows this is wrong but I have nothing without it at the moment. I feel so much shame at even having said anything at all to anyone in the first place.... I want the anxiety to stop but I can't....
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Good luck with seeing your counsellor today, I hope it goes ok. I can hear how frightened you are, but it's a really brave thing to do, to open up to someone a bit and you have no need at all for feeling shame for telling anyone anything.
I don't know Liz, you're doing so, so well and I'm just here screwing uo and terrified. Just want the weight gone. NO MORE. Whatever I say it's so impossible to explain... Sorry.
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
You're not screwing up at all, you're just struggling a lot. You're not alone with that, it is a terrifying feeling - there are times when I just can't see how to go on feeling this way and it just feels unbearable, but you can get through this.
It sounds like you could really do with more intensive support at the moment, can you either ask your doctor/counsellor or send them a letter to ask?
Thanks Liv, I'm going to ask my doctor about more intensive support when I see him, even for just some links to other services and maybe support groups. I'm pretty alone up here- basically the only people I know who relate to this are online and many of my friends, while having issues with weight struggle more with being overweight so while some can understand, not many so it can be quite hard. I am trying hard with the doctor and with what my counsellor says even though it scares me a lot and to be honest my first instinct is to run
Today I've just felt sick so often with eating but try to just stick with safe foods and keep my fluids up. Feels like I can't win though
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm sorry you feel alone that's an awful feeling. Well done for trying with the doctor and counsellor your best is all you can do. I hope today is better for you. X
Thanks. Today I'm just so tired and feel sick all the time- anytime I eat or drink anything it just wants to come up and the anxiety takes my breath away. Tomorrow I'm hoping the weather is better- want to go plant my snow peas in the garden. It's so much harder when it's raining- plus it's soooo bloody cold lol. I think warm feet are just a dream
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I don't know... I don't know how long I can hold up.... inside of me is screaming and screaming and I feel so dirty...I just want it gone... I go to see the dietitian this week but there's no ****ing point anymore. I feel like there's next to nothing left... I want to give in... I just want it gone.... I'm sorry. I feel so totally consumed by this
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Hey Hun that sounds so distressing do you think that you can talk to anyone about it? Even to the dietician they might be able to start really small? I'm sorry I'm not much use :(
Just called to check and apparently the dietitian isn't until next Wednesday if I'm not working.... got to sort that out. It just feels so wrong eating and breaks me that my body needs so much....
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
What feels so wrong about eating? I think that's something a lot of us can probably relate to, but from an objective point of view, I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with it at all. The body and nutrition is based on science, our bodies just require enough to keep us functioning, healthy, just alive, and it is ok to do that.
It sounds like, as hard as it might be, seeing the dietician would be very helpful at the moment, so I hope it does help when you see her next week.
There is a point to fighting this, and it is worth it. Feeling like this is unbearable at times, so there is nothing to lose by fighting the ED - it will feel horrible for a while, but in the long-term it will be worth it.
. It makes little sense I know...
