I was mainly a lurker when I made this account, not sure I even ever posted. I am here now though and needing some support.
The last time I cut was over 2 years ago. Not sure of the exact date but I believe it was 2/2011. I went through therapy to get me to that point and between that, my husband, and my son... I was able to make it my longest stretch without cutting.
In the last 18 months, my husband and I have gone through 6 miscarriages due to a rare chromosome issue my husband carries. It only affects 1/500-650 people. There is no other health issue to be worried about for him, it only comes in difficulty having children.
We had our son with our first pregnancy and never thought anything would ever be wrong. We have been trying for 2 1/2 years for another and my heart hurts. I feel so alone because I get HORRIBLE comments from people:
At least you have one
At least you know you can get pregnant
It will happen eventually
If it's meant to be, you will have another
Why don't you "insert advice here that has NOTHING to do with why we miscarry"
Just get over it
I had x miscarriages and have x amount of kids
Anyways, I just had my 6th miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. I tried to protect myself during the pregnancy and just let myself assume the baby was gone before it was, so when I lost it, it wouldn't be so hard. 3 days after the loss I finally lost it and cried. Ever since, I have been a wreck. My husband is starting to get worried and I am trying so hard to act normal, but I am literally falling apart. I am having other issues on top of this and honestly, feeling like cutting just takes me back to way harder times and brings all of that flooding back.
The only thing keeping me from cutting? My husband. I can't handle watching my husband cry. Nor could I handle my son asking how I got an owie and having to lie. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I want to give in and let out these last two years on my skin, but I know I would regret it and never be able to hide it from my spouse.
Hey there. Welcome. I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now, it sounds real hard what you are goin thru. It must be frustrating all these people giving you advice and they don't know where you are coming from. I'm sorry that the stress of this has brought you back to wanting to cut. As you stated you have a wonderful husband and beautiful boy that you don't want to hurt. Remember that always. You will find other reasons to continue on as well. Things won't always be like this, just keep trying :) have fun while your doin it too ;) if you need anything I'm a message away, continue to be strong, for yourself and for your family. Take care.
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. Im so glad you have a beautiful little boy and a wonderful husband.
It must be really hard people assuming that just because you have one child everything is fine and i'm sorry you have to hear those comments.
Is there a support group perhaps that your dr or hospital can refer you too? That might help knowing you are not alone because often people can feel guilty when they want and are struggling to have another child when they already have a child.
Have you also considered therapy perhaps, either with or without your husband so that you both have a safe space to work through these feelings?
I do think its important for you to not pretend to your husband that everything is ok with you, firstly your husband will pick up on it anyway and I know you don't want to worry him but you have to fight this together and stay strong together and you need to be honest to do that.
Take care xxx
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel and that I hope everything will be alright for you. I'm not the proper person to give you advice as I've never been a mother, but I really admire your strengh and the way you put your family before you. You are a hero.
i think maybe going back to therapy now would be helpful for you. miscarriages are incredibly painful, and really do lead (understandably) to mourning and grief. even one death is difficult to handle, so 6 in such a short time would be incredibly painful for anyone. remember that all your feelings are valid, none of them are wrong, even anger type feelings.
is there any way you can let out your pain that doesn't hurt you? it is very hard to resist the urge to harm with pure willpower... it is easier to do if you find something positive to take the place of the harming and let you cope that way
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I am ahead of you guys there, I have an appointment with my old therapist on Thursday. However, last time I talked about our fertility issues, she just sat and tried to talk us out of having more kids. SO if the appointment doesn't go well, I will be looking for someone new who deals with infertility. More than anything, the idea of not having another child is what gets me. The miscarriages are of course hard, but now it's getting to the point where I realize that my child may never have a sibbling. I watch people complain about morning sickness and a NB waking up at night and I get furious because I wish so much it was me.
No, we will not adopt. Not only is it financially out of our reach, I was adopted and still have a lot of issues surrounding that. I do not think I would be able to handle an adopted child mentally because of the questions I know that would come up and such.
It is understandable about you having issues with adoption and it being out if reach financially. I hope that your therapist tries to understand where you are coming from and being supportive. Maybe somebody that specializes in fertility and what not might help. I hope that you can find some answers and support soon. I'm glad you've made the appointment. Take care and continue to be strong.
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
