That's reassuring. I just thought I'd have things sorted by now. I was good at my job apparently. I wish I hadn't quit but the epilepsy made it too dangerous.
You're right though. No one thought I'd be able to manage living independently and out of hospital. I didn't think I could ever do it.
Jasmine is definitely a reason to stay alive. I can't shake the feeling she'd be better off without me though. I'm worried she'll pick up on my issues and end up having problems as well. I don't ever wear short sleeves around her and I don't let her see me cry or anything like that but I'm worried it's not enough. That just my presence is damaging somehow.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I have been following your posts for a while, but not contributed. However, I want you to know that there are a lot of people, even those you don't know about, who care about you.
As for the feeling that your daughter would be better without you..... remember it's just that, a feeling rather than a fact. There is more evidence of a child being damaged by the loss of a parent than by their presence. The situation may not be ideal, but you are still here and your little girl is NOT being damaged by that.
I hope you will decide to call your out of hours people and let them help you through this. You have done it before, you can do it again. The feeling that your presence is damaging is another symptom of your illness. Please don;t let it win. The world would be way worse off without you.
Thank you shrimpy, that means a lot. It really does.
I'm really struggling. I met up with my family and it was really nice. I enjoyed myself and now I'm upset because it feels like the perfect time to end things because we had a good time.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Can you look at it in another way... instead of it being the perfect time because you all had a good time, it could instead lead them all to wonder if they could have done something to stop you and why they didnt see how much you were struggling....
I'm really trying to not do something. I can't stop crying. I want to die but I don't want to leave jasmine or any of my family. I don't want them to feel like they could have done something to stop it because there's nothing they could have done.
I don't know what to do.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Mum just text me saying that jasmine wanted me after I left. She calls me mummy Becca. I can't stop crying. Why is it that today of all days she wanted me and my mum had to text me about it. I can't deal with this.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Mum just text me saying that jasmine wanted me after I left. She calls me mummy Becca. I can't stop crying. Why is it that today of all days she wanted me and my mum had to text me about it.
a reason to stay alive maybe?
I know you're in a lot of distress and that asking for help to get through this would help more than ending it. Did you manage to call or help and get some support?
I don't have the number for an out of hours team. I considered calling 111 but they'd probably send an ambulance and I can't be dealing with a&e.
Things are bad. My mum text saying how lovely the meal was and seeing us all together. What if that's the last time we'll all be together? I feel bad. I don't want to do that to my family but I can't see myself carrying on.
I'm so torn.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Necks you have to keep trying to hang on as things will get better.
Tomorrow is Monday so can you get hold of your care coordinator and tell her how bad things are? Maybe see if you can go under the crisis team?
You say you worry about your influence on jasmine but jasmine knows you and she loves you and I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that jasmines life would be so so so much worse without you in it.
Could you let your mum know how much you are struggling?
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
I'm seeing my cc on Tuesday anyway so I don't see much point in contacting her tomorrow. I'll just see if I can wait. There doesn't seem much point in talking to her anymore as I think I've decided what I need to do. I'm just scared of doing it. Or scared of failing more to the point. I'm aiming to try and hang on until my psych appointment on the 28th but that's weeks away and I'm not sure I can cope with this for that long. Even getting through the next 30 mins feels like too much.
I don't want to worry my mum. She knows I'm feeling depressed. I told her a couple of weeks ago that I'm not feeling great.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Beckie, i assure you that the right decision will be the one to stay alive. Hold on and this will pass as well. I can't promise you when or where but it will pass. I know you feel torn and it feelss impossible to see it through but suicide is just such a devastating way to leave the world. In less than a year i have lost two dear friends that way and it's simply not something you get over.
There is always hope to be found in unexpected places and there is always one more thing to try before giving up. Please hang on because things will get better.
I don't for one minute believe that you are damaging Jasmine by being present in her life. I think it would be worse if you were not part of her life and of her growing up. You are being way too hard on yourself, nobody is perfect but at least you are trying to be a positive influence iin your daughter's life. And that's something very amazing and also very admirable.
Call for help if you need to or reach out here. Just don't give in to the thoughts. I really do believe there is a better way.
Beckie, my sweetness, please please hang on & tell your CC when you see her. You must. This is very serious & its important your team know & they can help you, they can make sure you do get through this & come out the other side, Which I promise you, you will. This is not forever, but suicide is. You have so much to live for, although I know with the way you're feeling it doesn't matter, but it's true, we need you. The world needs you.
Thank you Zurg. I'm sorry to hear about your friends.
Your post was really helpful.
I'm really trying to hang on. My main reason is wanting to see jasmine grow up even though that might be selfish. But maybe I'm not damaging her?
Thank you Helen. I'm going to try and tell my cc how bad things are when I see her. Although I doubt there's much she can do. It's hard because I just don't feel like talking to anyone especially not when it's hard things to talk about xxx
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thank you Zurg. I'm sorry to hear about your friends.
Your post was really helpful.
I'm really trying to hang on. My main reason is wanting to see jasmine grow up even though that might be selfish. But maybe I'm not damaging her?
Thank you Helen. I'm going to try and tell my cc how bad things are when I see her. Although I doubt there's much she can do. It's hard because I just don't feel like talking to anyone especially not when it's hard things to talk about xxx
I know I haven't been following your thread but wanting to see Jasmine grow up is not selfish at all. That's a fantastic reason to fight this, I am a bit everywhere but I'll tell you from experience that parents with MH problems can really be fantastic parents and when they are ill they are still massively important to their children (this is not about my mum, long story haha), however I would be willing to PM you more info Beckie (I don'y like announcing too much about myself pr family on a public forum sometimes!)
I hope you got to talk to your CC, it's so hard love, please keep talking.
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
I'm still not doing great. Thanks for asking though. Got an emergency psych appointment at 10 to see about anti depressants.
Thank you. That's really helpful and reassuring. I try to be the best I can be around jasmine and not let my feelings or actions get in the way of being a mum.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
