I think the first thing you need to try to do is to start telling yourself it wasn't your fault - because it wasn't. If you hold all the anger towards yourself for 'causing' it, then you will never be able to redirect it to them.
Do you think redirecting it to your abuser/s would be helpful to you?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thanks so much for your reply it means so much. I don't know I'm struggling with shame, feeling broken, defective and **** load of eating disorders thoughts that are messed in with this. I have to answer it for therapy homework but I really don't know how to x
I feel so disgusting and fat and unable to cope. It feels everything is closing in around me. I wish I'm so mortified by the constant replays and feelings tearing through my head and body. I don't know how to make my therapist and nurse understand just how helpless and broken I often feel. Sorry to go on .
I cannot bear having something inside. I feel vile sordid fat and violated. I feel the memories flashbacks and emotions raining down on me. It hurts to breathe. I will never be clean I've washed my hands in bleach and I still feel the filth and fat. There is too much of me. I'm sorry someone please help. X
Hearing you- it's so hard to believe anything different when the thoughts are so strong. Does anything help?
Sorry, I'm so low on words but thinking of you
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah I cannot bear my fat and my filth my body does not belong to me. I had therapy today and I was asked can I see myself as a sexy and attractive woman?! For ****s sake half the time I can't see myself as human instead I feel a monster so fat and vile and just a mass . I lose sight of myself, my features blurr and seem to drown in fat. I'm so terrified the feelings will return and then every other label will be used instead. I'm so scared of not seeing a way out. I'm sorry I shouldn't post but I can't do this. I'm sorry.
I wish the nightmares and flashbacks would stop. I'm so exhausted. I'm scared my mental state is starting to deteriorate I'm losing the strength to bargain with my eating disorder I am a fat failure and there is too much of me. I need to feel clean and in control. I can feel the flashbacks and their hands on me I feel I'm choking and I feel their weight on me. I have puppy training for work experience today and it scares me I just want to hide I don't deserve to be around people. I lost control of my self harm on Saturday and I'm scared I will again. I'm sorry I'm not making sense.
*hugs* Jessie. Always here if you need to talk- sorry I'm low on words but I am here
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah I just wish the nightmares would end and I felt safer in my own skin less violated, less destructive but most of all I wish I was less fat and less of me to abuse. My body just feels out of control and I keep losing where I am and I dissociated massively during dinner. I hope I don't get into trouble because I've fallen into a pattern of punishing myself and cutting more . I just wish it would stop.
No, you need to stay, nightmares, flashbacks, yes. I do understand, goes all the way back to twelve and I am 64 now almost 65, let us try something new, let us look at those who would torment us as people who have issue's that they don't want to deal with and would rather torment someone else. Feel sorry for this people, they cannot cope, so their mechanism for survival is attack someone else. You show that you care by the very posts you make, that is not seen often anymore. Please take care of yourself and stay with the community, we can use more like you here, Jim
Oh ghost recon what a lovely message thank you. I don't know directing my anger at my abusers and not at myself. I'm scared that I got my homework from trauma work wrong as the therapist laughed. I don't know I feel scared dirty and confused and like I'm bursting out my skin. Thanks again for your kind words.
It's the easiest thing in the world to internalised the feelings and turn them on ourselves, however undeserving. Can you talk to your trauma therapist or eating disorder nurse about it?
Whoever you're most comfortable with- you're not strange or alone. It's an awful feeling- the feeling you're expanding but I can promise you you're not- not for a meal and you need the food to deal with the stress you're going through emotionally
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah I just feel drained and exhausted. I have to work on showing my emotions as my levels of distress look similar but it's so hard to make myself vulnerable. I'm wondering if I'm some sort of a fat freak that it's hard to show my feelings. I don't know I just feel so numb sometimes. Sorry I'm rambling
Your not any of those things, but I know how horrid it is to feel so dirty and violated.
Could you try and distract yourself? Maybe watch a film, listen to your favourite music, take a hot bath? Nightmares and flashbacks can be exhausting so remember to look after yourself.
Sorry I'm low on words x
One of these days, your heart, will stop, and play it's final beat..
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not - Kurt Cobain
Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.
When you're feeling disconnected could you try using some self-soothe activities - put hand lotion on or wrap yourself in a fluffy blanket to try to ground yourself?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Hi Katie not good. I feel scared and dirty and just like my body is expanding. I feel like I can't breathe. I've tried smelling lavender and distracting and nothing works for long. I keep spacing out. I'm working so hard to suppress my behaviours but it's getting harder. I'm tired of keeping it together. Sorry I'm whining I'm going to try and sleep and hold it together for tonight. Sorry I'm so selfish. I hope you are doing ok x
Hope you're doing ok Jessie. It's hard when the thoughts are so intrusive. A friend of mine told me about mindfulness and learning to accept and sit with feelings. Have you ever done anything like that with a therapist?
For me I find it works quite well if I can't distract myself
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
