Urge To Relapse

singing potato · 03-07-2013, 05:10 AM

As of a few days ago I am 3 months free. I decided to finally officially quit because my chinchilla died, he was like my son, and meant the world to me. I thought if I could love myself half as much as he loved me, then maybe I could be ok someday.

As of late I have just been stuck in this depression. I feel like an outcast with everyone, like I don't fit in. I feel like I don't have any control. I am so stressed from work, I worry and I work so hard and it doesn't even matter if I complete the task at hand. I just want that control back. Part of me wants to cut SO badly, to release, to let go of all this tension that has been building up. All these bad feelings need to go away and I know if I cut all the bad feelings will go away in an instant. Yes, I know they don't go away completely, don't lecture me, I have been struggling with this addiction for 6 years, I know full well how it works. The other side of me knows I can't give up, but the voice in the back of my mind says "Who cares? Does it even matter?"

Does it? The only one who will know I have cut will be my roommate, IF he notices, so why not cut?

DontLookUp · 03-07-2013, 07:13 PM

Well done for getting to 3 months free that is brilliant :).
im sorry about your chinchilla, but you make a good point about needing to love yourself.
You said it will get rid of the tension for an instant, but then what after? you said not to lecture so i think you know the answer very well.
are there other things you might be able to try to help you feel in control or to relieve the stress?
Can you write a list of reasons why it WILL matter if you cut. there is one part of you that doesnt want to go back to SH, try to bring out that side and see what its saying.

are you seeing anyone about the depression you are feeling?

singing potato · 03-07-2013, 10:00 PM

I was seeing a counselor, but because of scheduling with work I kind of let that fall through the cracks. Then I came to realize that I wasn't really getting much from seeing her so I decided to stop. I have people to talk to, my roommate is a fountain of support but I just don't have the motivation, want, or energy to bring it up. Then again he knows me better than I know myself and probably can already tell I am depressed.

PassedExpectations · 03-07-2013, 11:14 PM

well, the other person who will definitely know you cut is yourself... how would cutting effect you, or how you think about yourself?... i know that when i cut, i would end up thinking about how i gave in afterwards, and i'd feel really defeated and end up with even more self hatred and berate myself a lot, which felt pretty miserable... i kinda figured out that i'd rather be miserable for a little while through the urge than miserable for a long while when i started thinking about what i'd done...

what is it that you want control over? are those things that it is actually possible to control?