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Triggering (SI) - What if?
Okay so I don't really come on here that often anymore and I probably should.
But anyways.
I quit self harming in January of 07 and lasted 308 days until this past November. I tried stopping a few times and kept slipping up until March 9th. Today is three months cut free (yayyy).. and one year burn free.
But in the past few months I've had A LOT of drama and stupid situations with this girl that used to be my best friend for about ten years.. since we were seven/eight. That has been hard enough to deal with without the help of of sh.. but it doesn't get any better when she texts me multiple times telling me to kill myself (hello, cutting is not a suicidal act for me. i don't want to die and i'm sure a lot of us are the same in the way its a release and not an act of suicide or anything like that) ... telling me I should have cut deeper... telling me to slit my wrists... telling me to do everyone a favor and end my life.. telling me I'm a "pathetic b..ch" for cutting.. etc etc freaking etc.
That is pretty freaking triggering for me seeing as it took me three years to trust her enough to tell her (I had been self harming for the past four years) because I expected her to throw it in my face (as she has been doing) ... add on the stress of a million performances for music, stupid things going on with my dad and trying to cope with him not supporting me at all with my music (telling me to shut up when i practice.. etc) .. thinking about finals this week which I'm likely to fail because I'm working so that doesn't exactly give me study time ....
I don't know what to do because listening to music and playing it isn't AS helpful as it used to be and I'm finding that the triggers just get stronger as I get more upset... and I find that smaller things set me off more than bigger things.. I'm scared of starting again because I've slipped up enough times. That girl also made stupid comments about how i "need to find a new hobby" and now my "hobby" will stick with me forever... and even though I know everything that comes out of her mouth is a load of bull, WHAT IF this is a life long thing that I'm going to be struggling with? ... I'm in counselling at school but what if that isn't enough? ... I graduate in a year and I want to get on with the rest of my life and not have to worry about this...
What do I do when old distractions aren't enough anymore and throwing out my .. box of sharp objects (..hello reference to The Used) won't help because I'll just feel compelled to find other things? .... I'm not feeling this at the moment but I'm scared for the day when I snap... I don't want this in my life anymore... but when I hurt myself it's like I'm a COMPLETELY other person.. Help?
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