Hi there - I feel a bit like I'm intruding on these boards but I think I really need some help and encouragement. Basically recently my eating patterns have gone a bit downhill, but I still seem to be convincing myself that I'm fine, that it's nothing, that's it not a problem. I told my GP I'd been throwing up and she wants me to do a blood test which I have an appointment for on Wednesday (on a side note I'm totally freaked out about them seeing my arms if anyone has any experience of that). I'm not even sure what I'm asking really. I guess I feel like I shouldn't be worrying people with my nonsense, that I'm a fake, and that I'm not sick at all, just stupid. Is that normal? Could I be right? I seem to be able to get on with my life just fine, it's not like I'm on death's door or something... I'm just really not sure what to do. I think I maybe just need someone to give me a nudge out of the door or something, because part of me does think this is an issue. I don't know. Help?
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
The fact that you purge means that you are not fine. And even without behaviors it seems you struggle with food. That *is* an issue and it has to be addressed. And about not being on death's door: better to get help before you get there, eh?
Probably. I just struggle to convince myself that I'm allowed to :/ I'm rationalising everything I do but maybe I need to remind myself that hurting myself deliberately in any way is not ok, regardless of the actual physical danger I'm putting myself in. I'm not sure why though?
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
Because nobody deserves to hurt lovely.
Remember that we are hurting ourselves because something is hurting us. And even if it might feel like it sometimes hurting yourself will not make the pain go away.
Maybe try to accept that often we're not the best judge regarding what is good for us, what we need or what we deserve. So the doctor being concerned and people on here caring for you and telling you to accept help is more legit than your own perception of how things are.
Thanks - that seems like it could make sense. I know I need to be honest with my doctor and try and trust her judgement, it's just hard sometimes when I suddenly feel so sure that I've lied to her or made something up or that she doesn't see that I'm evil or something. I'll work on it though. I like your point about how we're hurting ourselves because something is hurting us - I hadn't really thought about that. Thank you.
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
How about bringing up with your doctor how you feel you sometimes lie? I contradict myself in therapy sometimes and get fliddy over that and usually just telling my therapist helps as she usually says that is normal and that some questions are hard to answer as we might feel different about it some days from how we usually feel etc.
That could be a good idea - thank you. Now that I think about it I remember telling my counsellor how I felt like I'd been lying and she seemed to think that was normal, too.
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
I'm sorry that you are struggling with this Ailsa. I think sometimes we don't want to accept that things are as bad as they are. But by not accepting it you are not dealing with the issue and it could potential escalate much more. You need to deal with this now before that happens and your GP wouldn't get you to have blood tests if it wasn't a concern.
Leaving you hugs <3
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I am very proud of you for coming here and talking about things. I know how hard it can be sometimes. We care a lot about you and are happy to support you when we can.
How are you feeling about the appointment today? I hope it's not making you too anxious. <3
why dont you speak with your dr why you're doing, whats making you feel like this x
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
Thank you Amy <3 I think you're probably right, and it helped to remind myself of what you said about my GP not sending me to do blood tests if she didn't think it was important in the first place.
And thanks Lana - I'm still so nervous about my blood test appointment, especially as it's fairly early in the morning (for me) and I somehow slept in yesterday and today to my 11am lectures, which is quite a feat. Argh. But yes, I think multiple alarms should do it, though I'll still need to shove myself out the door.
I'm not really sure why I'm doing anything, it doesn't really make sense, it just seems to happen, or I think about it so much that I can't be bothered not doing it. So I dunno :/
But thanks for answering this you guys <3, I know it's a bit of a flid thread.
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
It was fine in the end - thank you. The nurse was really nice and didn't say anything about my arms. She's also the first nurse who didn't argue with me wanting to be able to see what she was doing while she was taking blood as not knowing freaks me out but usually they tell me to look away. But yeah, it went fine. I was really stressed out beforehand though and texted one of my flatmates who came and sat with me and I kind of half explained what was going on which was a relief but now I'm also scared about what I should tell her now or how I should act around her. But yeah, otherwise I guess I'm just waiting for next Wednesday to see my GP with the results...
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
Sounds like you dealt with it alright despite the anxiety. :)
If you trust your flatemate maybe let her in on how things are just a little bit. It might help to just have someone who knows and who you can trust. Hidding how we are all the time costs a lot of energy and it can be a big relief to just have one person we don't need to hide things from.
Though I understand it's hard and it's awkward. I'd say trust your gut feeling. Just go with whatever makes you feel comfortable.
Did the GP offer any MH support for the eating issues? Or is that something you are likely to discuss next week?
In the meantime- if you feel like it you could use this thread to talk about your feelings and thoughts about stuff.
Thanks Lana - I'm not sure about my flatmate. I have a couple of friends who sort of know but I don't talk to them all that much about it. I annoy myself thinking about it, so I suppose I'm avoiding annoying anyone else.
My GP said she thought it would be good to refer me to a psychiatrist or the ED clinic depending on blood test results/what I'd prefer, so hopefully we should talk about that more next week. I've just realise that I've stopped taking my meds because I can't be bothered thinking about whether I can be sick yet or not. I hadn't consciously decided that but it seems to be becoming a habit. I'm just really scared, because I don't understand what's happening to me. At first I thought, how could this be a problem, I'm in control. But now I'm not so sure.
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
I know it's hard to talk about. And maybe some professional input will help with being able to open up to friends. But only if you want to. You of course don't have to.
I think it's great that your GP cares so much and seems to do a good job. Hopefully a referal will helpful for you. When I started purging I had the same issue with meds and not taking them as I'd purge them anyway. Maybe that is something you could mention to your GP next time? Lack of meds will probably not help with feeling low.
And you're right, with purging you lose control pretty quickly. It's ridiculously addictive which is hard to understand and you wouldn't expect when you start doing it. My purging habits were never too bad and I cut it down by quite a lot very soon after starting. And while I am lucky enough to have escaped a lot of the physical consequences that way my mind is still obssessed with it a lot of the time. But I did manage not to purge for roughly three months by now. So I really hope that getting help as soon as possible will help you to reduce it and eventually being able to stop it.
