"Testing" people...

[winterjadedsoul]

Hello. I haven't really posted here before, I ususally just lurk around the ED boards. I hope you don't mind me posting in here. I'm feeling a bit... messy... at the moment.
I really struggle with getting too attached to people. In the past it's been teachers, friends, anyone, really, and in the last few years, my nurses and care workers especially. I want them to be with me all the time, feel unsafe without them and generally just need them around. I hate it when they go away for any amount of time. My OCD is all about people leaving me. And to be honest, I think my eating issues are too. I get the urge to push people away, to be horrible to them, just to upset them and see if they make the effort to find out what's going on, to get me to be nice to them again. Like I'm testing them. I've tried really hard to stop doing this and I had managed for a while. But lately it's been coming back again. I'm really struggling at the moment because I know that one of the people I'm attached to prefers someone else in my unit to me. And I'm really wanting to test her, to find out if she actually cares. But she's so lovely, I don't want to upset her. But I'm getting so desperate to find out if she cares, and actually wants to spend time with me, and if she even likes me. I know I should just be normal and honest with her, but then she'll think I'm a freak and leave me anyway.
Another problem I'm having is that another member of staff (the manager) is leaving to have a baby. I'm really struggling with her too, wanting to push her away. I'm not very good with feelings, but I think I'm angry with her for going away. I don't want to be angry, again, I'm scared people will leave me if they see me angry. I've spent so long bottling it up and ignoring it that I'm not even sure if I am angry. Oh I don't know. I'm so confused. My head and my heart just ache.
I'm sorry, this was really rambly, and random. I don't know what I want. Just any advice, or just someone to say it's okay. I don't know. Thank you, anyway.

[Elley88]

I know what you mean, I get the urge to test people sometimes, people I get obsessivly attached to. It's like one time recently, this teacher who I am so attached to unintentionally ignored me in the hallway and I got so upset, and wanted to just push her away emotionally. It's ridiculous, because she didn't do it on purpose. I don't really know how to be more independent though. But yeh, I know how it feels. Can you speak to your therapist or whoever about this, to see if they can suggest anything? x

[the cheshire cat]

Hey, i don't really have any useful advice to give but i do this too, i don't know why. It's like i sometimes wanna see who cares about me enough to still come back, even when i've acted really awfully to them. i get really obsessively attached to people too, and then feel really angry when they don't feel the same... xxxxx