It's taking most of my energy to stay safe, and if what they want to do doesn't involve actual physical damage, I'm letting it slide, cos well, bigger fish.
But each time it's harder. Each afterwards is harder to deal with.
I woke up this morning defeated and doing my "if I knew how to cry I would" thing. And thank goodness my shower has close together walls.
I have to sit a paper this afternoon. But last night's revision turned into something else entirely.
I don't know what I want, really, or what I need. Analysing every thought I have brings up flaws and faults. I don't care anymore. About anything that should or used to matter to me.
There may not be wounds or signs, but I don't remember ever SHing this badly. And I have little control.
Thing obviously feel as though they are spinning out of control, but you know letting it out, discussing what you are going through with us and yourself is the best way forward. There is obviously a ton of stuff on your mind, and perhaps if you got it out on paper / here then it would take up less headspace the rest of the time when you are trying to do other things like sitting papers. Doing badly in those will only make you feel worse so try your best to get your head straight enough to do it - you are more than capable I am sure.
But if things are worse than ever, there will be a reason why - you just have to try to identify it and we are very much here to help as we can.
Where do I feel the lack of control, *thinks* I'm not sure that there is anywhere I feel it, I don't have control of my body then, someone else does. I'm just watching, a detached consciousness, staring out my eyes at whatever whoeveritis wants to show me. And begging. There's a lot of begging, and bargaining, and trade offs.
And then I end up doing what they ask. I do it, because they tell me to. And it's not that feeling of safety and security that comes from doing what someone who you know isn't going to be dangerous, it's completely different, because I don't want this, because I don't want to do this, because this is dangerous and harmful, and sure there might not be blades and things, but still...
Harley, talking about it, yep, probably would be a good thing. But, I don't have any nouns. I mean, the big thing I want to talk about, I want to share the memories I have of it, it's not physically possible for me to do that. I cannot talk, and no amount of wanting or trying changes that. If I stumble onto it and start saying things I "shouldn't" I get punished. Literally. As I talk, or you know, try to talk, because by this point I've forgotten most of the vocabulary in every language I know, I get consumed in pain.
Talking about what they do to me, again, stupidly difficult, because it's me doing things to me, they are me, and so I'm doing this to me, and it seems so stupid, because if I don't want it to happen, why am I doing it?
Sat my exam, passed my exam, probably got a 2:1. No biggie, really. It would have been good if *I* had written all of said exam, but, I planned for that, wrote a massivly detailed plan of all my answers at the beginning of the essay section, and then the alters could write up said essay. Left 20ish minutes early, because the negative ones were taking over again. To keep them quiet, I...I'm labeled again. It's a hard limit, and they crossed it, they crossed it because it was a hard limit. If I say "it's no big deal" I'd be lying. It is a big deal. I woke up this morning, labeled, I'm labeled now, but I consented to these, I wore these out. I insisted they couldn't write on my face, just places people couldn't see, oh, yeah, and my hands and wrists. Everytime I look at my watch I see "whore".
And the reason why things are worse than ever...
I'm uncovering memories. I have a letter to hand to people when I have a crisis that includes the words "organised criminals" and "childhood abuse of all categories" and "programming". There are lots of personalities in my head. My parents were complicit in this. What I'm remembering, make the gang rapes look tame.
My family disowned me. Probably, in the long run, a good thing. But, I didn't need it to happen last week, ya know?
Trying to fix the DID stuff, is making it worse. Therapy cliche time. Not everyone is on message with the changes, and so...
I really don't want to keep remembering, and having innocent inanimate objects trigger me.
But, I'll settle for 6 hours sleep and no surprises in the morning.
Of course, the deal I struck to write my exam this afternoon means I won't get that.
I wish I could say that it doesn't feel worse before it gets better, but you and I both/all know that 'you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it'. *sighs*
I understand how talking about it is hard. Have you tried drawing your feelings, your flashbacks? I know that has helped/is helping me immensely.
True, the traumas and abuse I suffered are/were different, but ...
Rhi, you say you hurt yourself because they ask you to. Does it have to be that way? You aren't as powerless now, as you were back then...
You say you don't want it. Can you hold onto that, say 'No' when they try and take over you?
I have internalisations of my abusers inside, and I know how hard it is.
You might be interested in the book in my profile. "The internal world of trauma" by Donald Kalsched. There's some decent online reviews of it that give a pretty good idea of what its about. Its basically about how we develop self preservation methods to survive trauma and abuse, and in that self-care system, as its called, the protector and persecutor inside are entangled.
I can't communicate my memories of what happened. I have "Don't Tell" programming. Saying that much is only possible because I have been practicing.
I tried writing something similar to what happened to me in a fictional story. There were faeries in the story, so, clearly, very fictional and not real. It didn't matter. I'd write a few paragraphs, or sentences even, and end up being punished. Forced to relive the experience, lots of uncontrollable pain (I'm good at pain, I've lived in pain for 8 years, I can manage pain, but I've needed more drugs in these last three weeks or so than I have all year. This is a lot of pain.)
They don't ask me. They just do it. And the alternative to them doing it and me watching is me doing it to their instruction. Usually them making me do it means it doesn't last as long.
It's not that easy to shut them out. And it's not fair to shut them out. They have needs as much as I do. This is what they were instructed to do and be before. This is part of their role. And they did it very very well, but they don't need to do it anymore. Because the circumstnces have changed. Letting them come out gives me another chance to explain/show this to them. That they don't have to do this anymore. They can choose to change their actions. It's slow going is all. And there's a lot of them.
I shall look at that book, after I've made my way through the selection I have here. So probably in the summer vac now. Welcome to student life.
Thank you for letting me stay here
Thank you for taking me in
It's not that easy to shut them out. And it's not fair to shut them out. They have needs as much as I do. This is what they were instructed to do and be before. This is part of their role. And they did it very very well, but they don't need to do it anymore. Because the circumstnces have changed. Letting them come out gives me another chance to explain/show this to them. That they don't have to do this anymore. They can choose to change their actions. It's slow going is all. And there's a lot of them.
That's important.
Are things still the same about not telling, even when you are only communicating to yourself?
I'm not entirely sure what you mean, but the fiction I wrote was "just for me" and that had the same effect. I think it covers anything external, I'm not 100% sure though.
Thank you for letting me stay here
Thank you for taking me in
