Weird ?

[Silverstara]

Hello
So just a little back story.
Up until I was 13 I had the "perfect body" (thats what people said) I didnt really care what I ate or actually looked like. Then I took birth control and gained alot of weight in a couple of months. It was crazy I had no curves I was just like a block. I felt ugly and fat and depressed. I stoped doing sport, I stoped seeing my friends outside and I became a little anti-social ( ok maybe a lot)
It was horrible. I lost some weight but vveeeeeeeeryyy slowly.
Now I am 16.
One day I said ok it's enough I dont want to be fat anymore ( I already tried to lose weight with pills, clean eating, personal trainer but never lost much) so the only way I knew would work is anorexia. I thought if they can lose that much weight I can too. So I went on pro-ana sites and looked at all the tips and tricks and made myself think like an anorexic.
I lost weight fast and was happy but I still wanted to lose more weight. At some point it turned into bulimia+anorexia and then on holiday I kinda recovered but later it turned into a binge eating disorder.

Now I eat ok... normal I guess. But I am still scared of eating too much and I still find myself fat.

Now the question I want to ask is has anybody also tried to become anorexic? I don't understand why I wanted to be sick but now I have become it.

[Bellatrix]

Please can you take the numbers out of your post, they're not allowed by the ED rules.

I never tried to become anorexic. I didn't know what it was called until I was a couple of years into the behaviours.

But I can understand the desire to use anorexic behaviours to lose weight. You have to remember though, that using behaviours like this are likely to lead to you developing a 'real' eating disorder.

I'm sorry you resorted to bulimic behaviours, and now it's become binge eating. Its really hard to fight the urged to binge (and purge) because it's so linked in with the brains pleasure sensors. Endorphines rise and you become addicted to the behaviour.

I'm glad you have returned your eating to 'normal' now. Now its time to return your thoughts to 'normal'. Try to discourage yourself from feelings of 'fat', remind yourself that your body is the only one you have so it deserves to be nourished. It doesn't deserve to have loads of food thrown at it in a binge. It doesn't deserve to have to cope with purging or lack of nutrients.

Write positive affirmations and stick them on your mirror. Get a diary and record your thoughts and feelings and try to watch them change as time goes by. Try to push the 'anorexic/bulimic/binging' thoughts out of your head. Try to replace them with something positive, like, okay I am hungry, I'm not going to binge or starve or purge I'm going to eat a sensible amount and put the rest away.

It takes time but the thoughts do get quieter. It's important you keep trying though. Because only you can make the changes. We're here to support you, and I recommend you talk to your GP about getting some additional support if you feel you need it, but ultimately it comes down to you wanting to get better.

Take good care of yourself
x

[[SundayGirl]]

I don't understand the logic of "trying to become Anorexic"...it's mental illness you can't just choose to get one day or "learn".
I think you should go get help from your Dr.

[Silverstara]

Hey Bellatrix sorry for putting in numbers will take them off straight away...
Thank you for all of your support and I guess I just need some time to be completly normal

SundayGirl believe me I don't understand it either but that's what happend... I am sorry if it annoyed you in any way :/ And I am getting help already