First of all, I'm sorry for posting this. I haven't been here in years, and even then I wasn't very active. And here I am, ranting about my problems like the self-obsessed drama queen I am. Feel free to stop reading right now. But I have to have this out there somehow, and I want to feel like someone's listening, which is why I'm not using my journal.
Anyway. I am considered recovered from my eating disorder. What really happened was that I fell back into binge eating patterns along with my so-called recovery, and gained a LOT of weight. Over the summer I had quite a few episodes that made me extremely uncomfortable about being a bigger size, specifically related to being heavier and not being able to be lifted as easily (this sounds weird. I was doing acrobatics, FYI). Since coming back to university my eating patterns have become quite restrictive, bingeing and purging more frequent, and my exercise more obsessive. I have lost a fair amount of weight, at a faster rate than is recommended. This makes me happy, of course, that is why I developed a problem in the first place. I am, however, very tired, anxious and depressed, and am starting to struggle with keeping my activity level up.
Now, I have a friend who doesn't know about my past ED (current?), who has been commenting on my weight loss, saying things like "you look SO thin, did you even eat over the summer". And I guess for a second I relish what sounds like concern - a big part of my ED was this pathetic, attention seeking trait in me, wanting people to worry and care. Yes, I am a stereotypical BPD-sufferer. However, she then follows it up with "You look great! Keep it up!" And things go black in my head very fast. Because that means that all the people who were telling me how well I looked after my "recovery" were lying, of course. I was, and still am, a fat cow, who still has a long way to go, and who will never be able to eat normally.
I don't know, as much as the messed up part of my head loves being told that I look thin, I really really wish that everyone would just stop commenting on weight loss like it's always a good thing. You don't know the reason why someone lost weight, even if they weren't thin before, they might be depressed, ill, have an ED, be training for a marathon, be stressed OR be on a diet. I don't know what I want from this post. I wish food wasn't an issue. I mean, it shouldn't be. But it is. It so very much is.
Perfectly normal, perfectly sane,
perfectly perfect, no-one's to blame.
It is very tricky when people feel the need to comment on food/weight isn't it!! Personally I think it should be against the law to talk about diets and weight loss in polite conversation :P
I know you said you weren't sure what you wanted from this, so I won't ramble on, but I did want to say that you sound as though you are incredibly harsh on yourself. Just because you have BPD and also have a lot of insight to where some of your difficulties stem from, it doesn't make you a bad person you know? It's not pathetic to want someone to worry and care about you, and posting on a forum doesn't make you a drama queen. Sorry, I know I said I wouldn't ramble, that self-deprecation just really stuck out for me, I think because I see a lot of my past-self in the way you spoke about yourself. I hope you can try to show a little more compassion towards yourself.
Feel free to continue posting here if you want to and you're also welcome to message me if you want to talk :)
Thank you so much for your reply, that means an awful lot to me. I usually say I'm not overly fond of the digital world, but being able to find support from someone I would not otherwise have spoken to, when the people around me don't offer much of it, is so important. I will probably post a bit more here, if that's okay. It's becoming harder and harder, this split between wanting to be recovered and normal and happy, and wanting to be back in the safety of my ED. Today one of my tutors, who knows about my anorexic past, commented on my weight loss, and followed it up, like my friend, with saying how nice I look. This is the woman who has previously said that I had no reason to worry, I looked lovely (at my higher weight). Who pretended to be sympathetic when I ranted to her about how triggered I was by everyone's weight loss talk. I am so incredibly sick of being lied to. I am so sick of trusting people and having them turn out to be fakes. At least my mum was honest after my "recovery" when she said I could always lose the weight again in a healthy way. Screw healthy way. I don't care anymore. I'm sorry for ranting. I just can't deal with this for much longer.
Love, K
Last edited by escape artist : 31-10-2017 at 03:48 PM.
Reason: more to add
Perfectly normal, perfectly sane,
perfectly perfect, no-one's to blame.
You don't need to be sorry for ranting, this is your thread!
Agh, how ridiculously unhelpful of your tutor! I can understand feeling deceived but is it possible that she wasn't lying at any point but instead got carried away by the societal norm of complimenting people on their weight loss? I imagine you looked lovely at you higher weight and also look nice now, so both could technically be true! And I'm sure that had she known that you'd achieved the lower weight via unhealthy means she'd have been quick to avoid encouraging it.
What about making a list of reasons not to go down the ED route again? You started the list in your first post (I am, however, very tired, anxious and depressed, and am starting to struggle with keeping my activity level up.), but perhaps you can find some more :)
shishitshit, I don't want this, but I do, but I don't, it's so so so overwhelming, it all just escalated so fast, from being "recovered", to losing some of the recovery-weight, to this ****ing hell that is this life, which was always here, just hidden just below the surface. I can't eat anymore unless it's justified by exercise, but the exercise is giving me anxiety, because I need to do an hour, but I need to do my 30 min test, I did it wrong the first time, and now I'm ranked so low Imight as well quit, but I need to do 3x10 min, and weights so I don't lose muscle, and I also need to run because it's been too long, and I need to do all of this RIGHT NOW, but Im panicking so badly that I cant get anywhere i cant write properly, I just want to do something stupid, something violent and painfyul and self destructive so that tyou can see that im so not ****ing fine, Im as useless as i feel, Im such a pathetic excuse for a human being, i don't want to do this anymore, but I cant go anywhere I cant get anywhere, I want to do everything and I need to but I cant move out of my room, and I have training tomorrow and im going to btreak down in front of everyone, i just want to i dont know what i weant i want nothing i want not to have to be conscious of this mess that is me and my life.
Perfectly normal, perfectly sane,
perfectly perfect, no-one's to blame.
Are you getting any professional help about your ED? That might be really helpful ATM. It could also be nice to distract yourself from all those stressful thoughts and try to do something you enjoy. If that is too hard and you're too anxious, it might be helpful to try some mindfulness and grounding techniques. Do you know any? The general idea is to really focus on where you are at the moment, what you're doing, what are your surroundings and just push all the other thoughts away by being in a moment. Can you, for example, take a bubble bath or a warm shower and just focus on how water feels? Or burn a candle and put on some music and just focus on the sensations?
Sorry I didn't see this sooner. How are you getting on now? It sounds like you were in a really scary and dangerous place yesterday; is there anyone in real life who is aware of how much you're struggling and who might be able to support you with this?
Foodwise, I think you know you need to get back on track asap to prevent you slipping even further. Do you think you could try to set yourself some mini targets to get your intake back up and not having to be justified by exercise?
Sorry I can't think of anything more useful to say right now but I'm thinking of you and you don't have to do this on your own.
Thank you, both of you. I have tidied up my head slightly, although it is still a struggle making sense of what I want and what I need and what sane me wants and what the disordered bit wants. I managed to make my lunch for the week ahead yesterday, though, so I actually have at least one sensible meal planned for each day. I'm not getting professional help, as I know from experience that unless I'm underweight I'm unlikely to be taken seriously. There are two people in real life that know about it, but I've told one of them to forget I told her, and I think she has. The other one is my housemate, and I'm trying to limit my burdening her with my issues, because I'm worried she won't want to live with me anymore.
Last edited by escape artist : 13-11-2017 at 09:01 AM.
Reason: I don't like spelling mistakes
Perfectly normal, perfectly sane,
perfectly perfect, no-one's to blame.
You're very welcome.
Great job for planning your meals! That's a huge achievement!
About the person you once told to forget about your issues - do you think you could try talking to her again?
I'd rather not. I'm scared she would report me to student services, which would trigger my abandonment issues really badly, because it would prove that she only sees me as part of her job, and a problem to hand over to someone else.
Perfectly normal, perfectly sane,
perfectly perfect, no-one's to blame.
Okay, I understand. I suppose she is a teacher or someone like that. I hope you do understand though, that she is simply obligated to report you to student services if she is worried about you. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you as a person, that just something she has to do. But if that would upset you, it's okay if you decide not to tell her.
By the way, do you think student services could be helpful at all?
Yes, I am at university and she is my tutor. We haven't got very good student services here, overcrowded and underfunded like everywhere else. And seeing as my issues aren't impacting my academic work, it's unlikely that they'll warrant much attention. I don't know, I just feel like I've spent too much time throughout my life in waiting rooms and offices, explaining things over and over again, only to be asked what I think the solution is, because they don't actually know how to help me. But if I had a solution I would just employ that solution. And right now the "solution" is damage control, and muddling through, trying not to let it take more of my time than it should, and just being a functional adult with dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
Perfectly normal, perfectly sane,
perfectly perfect, no-one's to blame.
I can see how your tutor referring you on would feel like abandonment, but I just wanted to reassure you that that doesn't in any way imply that she just sees you as part of her job and wants to pass you on- I have a couple of kids at work who I just want to take home and look after, but on account of not being able to do that, I have to flag it up to other people so that we can all do what we can to best support the child. I hope that makes sense?
Great job with the lunch-making!
With your housemate, has she shown any signs of not wanting to live with you? If not, maybe it would be worth trying to let her in a little bit about what's going on for you? I'm sure she would want to support you any way that she could!
Thank you both again. I try to find other coping mechanisms, but because of my slightly obsessive nature it's hard to find something that doesn't become, well, an obsession. I have, however, got a tower of books to read, so some flight from reality might be a good idea at the moment. My housemate is very supportive, I just worry because I want her to see me as afriend and not as a liability or someone who needs saving. I'm not very experienced in the whole friendship thing, so I'm just figuring out how things work regarding reciprocity and stuff...
Perfectly normal, perfectly sane,
perfectly perfect, no-one's to blame.
I think I know where you're coming from with that! I guess there are worse things to get obsessive with than reading- I hope you enjoy it if you do start tackling that tower of books!
I'm glad you have a supportive housemate :) I can understand feeling worried; maybe you could communicate that to her and ask her to let you know if at any point she feels as though she's struggling with supporting you? Just as a random suggestion, maybe you two could set aside a couple of nights a week to cook and eat together? Not only does that serve as a social opportunity, but it might help you to be a bit accountable about eating a sensible dinner, and also to feel reassured that it is OK to eat.
I can understand feeling deceived but is it possible that she wasn't lying at any point but instead got carried away by the societal norm of complimenting people on their weight loss? I imagine you looked lovely at you higher weight and also look nice now, so both could technically be true! And I'm sure that had she known that you'd achieved the lower weight via unhealthy means she'd have been quick to avoid encouraging it.
