Frustrated

Irisflower · 28-02-2019, 08:55 PM

Hi,
I feel so frustrated. I thought I was getting better after getting on a new med and stopping ECT (I have been on maintenance ECT for years). I stopped, and the suicidal thoughts and plans came back, along with some of the depression. Now my main doctor wants me to have the maintenance sessions again, and my ECT doctor says it's not necessarily a relapse but I can come in. I told my main doctor I would do it, but I just feel so ashamed and alone. I told my doctor I just want to continue on the new med, but she says I shouldn't have let it get even this far. I am scared I will be on ECT for life and that something bad will happen to me. How do I get rid of the feelings of shame and unworthyness? How do I stop thinking about suicide? I have two kids that need me, so at the moment I am staying for them. But I just want out. Out of everything. Out of depression. Out of meds. Out of ECT.

Horizon · 02-03-2019, 03:44 PM

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with all of this.
It sounds like you are fighting very hard to stay alive when you don't necessarily want to stay alive, and that is incredibly admirable.
Do you feel shame about ECT? Or your situation in general? Can you elaborate on feeling unworthy and what that is in relation to?

one_step_closer · 02-03-2019, 04:12 PM

Maybe ECT and meds will eventually help you to first 'get out' of depression, and then in the future you could be strong enough to also 'get out' of meds and ECT. It's a process and there are bound to be hurdles and ups and downs, I know it's hard and scary though. What are the shame and worthlessness related to? You also said you feel alone, is it that you feel like no one understands or do you not have enough support? Keep going, I really hope that things get better for you soon.

Irisflower · 02-03-2019, 04:20 PM

Thanks to you both!
I feel embarrassed because my doctor's have different opinions about ECT. One thinks I should just keep going and the other wants to limit it. I want to stop but it seems like the meds are not enough. I will get back in the cycle of "it's just one treatment" and then another and another. I feel embarrassed that I don't feel like I can decide for myself.

one_step_closer · 02-03-2019, 04:27 PM

That must be so confusing having different opinions from both of your doctors. Is there any way they could get together, with you too, and talk through things as a team?

Irisflower · 02-03-2019, 05:31 PM

They do talk to each other, but not to me except separately. Maybe next time I will ask the main doc exactly what was said. Thanks for the idea.

one_step_closer · 05-03-2019, 07:17 PM

Do you not have occasional reviews where you and your treatment team get together to discuss how things are going?

Irisflower · 05-03-2019, 07:38 PM

My psychiatrist and ECT psychiatrist are separate; they only really confer with each other when something is going wrong. Had ECT today and am feeling better... just sleepy.

one_step_closer · 05-03-2019, 07:47 PM

I'm glad you're feeling better after the ECT. Will you be continuing with it? I hope things continue to improve and you can get to a point where you feel like you are having the type of treatment that suits you.

Irisflower · 05-03-2019, 08:57 PM

Yes, I will be continuing with it. It seems to be the main thing that works for me. I am still concerned about it, but I guess I can take it one session at a time. Thanks!