CMHT have abandoned me, cant cope

[one_step_closer]

That doesn't sound stupid to me, those sound like emotions etc that need some kind of soothing and like you hate yourself so much that you feel you need permission to seek medical care. It's sad that you feel that way. It's hard to verbalise things sometimes, would writing things down be any easier? What's happening with your support now? How are you doing today?

[chinahorse]

Thank you.

I'm to use the PRN more and cpn will call me monday. I will apologise on Monday to her.

Today is okay. Wasnt looking great but I weeded half the path- two full compacted bin bags!! And dad came and we walked his dogs by the river which was lovely and they love the water.

[one_step_closer]

Using PRN more and speaking to your CPN sound like good plans. I'm sure she won't feel an apology is necessary though but if it helps you to apologise then do.

I'm glad today is ok and I hope it continues to be. Well done with the weeding. I'm glad you got to enjoy a walk with your Dad and his dogs.

[chinahorse]

I went for a walk with mum and one of her dogs this evening. And sat and chatted outside with her partner and other dog before walking home.

I've had a good day. And I dont deserve it. I should self harm because I didnt deserve to have a good day.

And I'm so exhausted but my thoughts are racing.

[nonperson]

You definitely deserve to have a good day. What can you do to calm the thoughts instead of self harm?

[chinahorse]

I've got into bed with a cuppa. Bed is my safe place. The cuppa is soothing.

And I've shut all the curtains and washed up so I'm not fretting over that.

[nonperson]

That sounds good. Is Bertie around for cuddles too?

[chinahorse]

He is having a bath next to me. Which an improvement on random meowing and zoomies and climbing the literal walls.

[chinahorse]

I was tired, falling asleep but got up for the loo and to do my teeth. An hour and a half ago. And now I cant calm down and everything is going so fast and I did some wound poking and it's not enough to make up for my evil. And I'm exhausted and I want to sleep but I cant stop my mind from racing.

[Unbreakable.]

Dogs are always making things better!

I am sorry you woke up and struggle to get back to sleep.
Does writing down your thoughts help?

You are not evil, Lillie.

[one_step_closer]

You are 100% not evil. How are you today? I hope you can have a good day today and allow yourself to.

[Unbreakable.]

I love you so much

[tamobhuuta]

How was your night china?

[chinahorse]

Thanks everyone for trying to reassure me.

Lindsay, I did a lot of weeding and the day was ok.

Love you too xx

Tamo it wasnt good. I struggled to sleep etc. Then slept 6 till 12 so feel like I've wasted half the day.

I struggled last night a lot and self harmed in a way which I'm not ok with. And didnt feel enough like self harm to get rid of urges.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry you had a bad night. I hope you've been able to make the most of your awake time today because that's the important part, not how many hours you've managed to be awake. I hope you have a better night tonight and can get up at a time that suits you. Did the self harming at least reduce the urges to a more manageable level? You don't have to harm yourself Lillie, especially not in ways you're not ok with. How has your day been so far?

[chinahorse]

Days been ok.

Mood had crashed now. And I just want to curl up and die.

[Pi.R^2]

I don't know what to say, I wish I could make things better for you <3

Does your self harm need medical attention?

[one_step_closer]

Does your mood usually crash in the evening? How are you today?

[chinahorse]

Thanks, no it doesn't need medical attention.

I find my mood can dip in the evening if I've had either a very good day or ive had to work hard not to self destruct.

I want to go to sleep forever. I cant see the point anymore. I'm going to take some diazepam and hope that helps with everything.

[one_step_closer]

Have you been using the diazepam much? Remember you are allowed if you're struggling. I find the evenings difficult too. What sort of things do you do in the evening?