Everything just seems so overwhelming right now and I’m feeling more and more desperate.
I’ve had another knock to my independence in that bone deterioration means I can no longer manage a manual wheelchair and my electric one just plain doesn’t fit into cars so unless I have someone to push me (which is humiliating) I’m fucked. Plus the latest deterioration has left my shoulder in agony I feel like screaming most of the time and it will only be helped by a shoulder replacement (to go with the hip one I also need) but they can’t do that because my organs are on their arse so they don’t think I’d survive the anaesthetic.
I just... I’m just... what’s the point?
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
That is a lot, I'm so sorry you're going through all that at the one time. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed and desperate, I think anyone would feel like that. Has anyone given you any other options if surgery looks like a no? Are there any other kinds of electric wheelchairs that would fit into a car? I'm guessing they would be expensive if so. Who needs to take you places in a car? Could they get a car, with a grant or something, that is especially for wheelchairs? I hear how much you value your independence and I'm sorry bits keep being taken away from you. Please don't give up or do anything serious to yourself, this is the time where you need to be kind to yourself. Do you have anyone to speak to about what's getting you down? Keep posting here if it helps. We care about you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can potentially have an injection in my shoulder to ease it when an appointment at the hosp comes up. I’m not sure about cars I’d have to look into it as if a grant took away from my benefits I couldn’t afford to live. I rang Samaritans and they helped. Thanks Lins x
In other news just found out a support group I’ve been attending on zoom has now switched to face to face meetings and I can’t go because there’s no disabled access. Ffs
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Are you waiting for an appointment at the hospital? Why can you only potentially have the injection, are there certain criteria you need to meet or something? Maybe someone else will know about the car thing, I know nothing unfortunately. I'm glad it was helpful to talk to the Samaritans, can you do that regularly if you need to? That's really rubbish about the support group, did you mention your need for disabled access?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That's super not cool re the support group. Is this the same one you've had issues with before? Can you ask if someone there can use their phone to facetime/zoom you in so you can still participate? I don't think you're going to be the only one who isn't ready to be back in person (or can't in your case).
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Waiting for an appointment I say potentially because I don’t trust their follow through as far as I can throw it and I’m exhausted fighting for things I need.
Yes Camden it is I think- I have a bad memory but had no other group attending issues so probably. Yeah I rang the disability partnership and they were like can’t they zoom you into the meeting, they’re also going to contact the organisation and let them know that what they are doing is discrimination. I’m a bit scared of kicking up such a fuss but I’m sick of taking stuff lying down. Their original building has the worst temporary metal ramp that they just fit to the door way when a disabled person rocks up and hope and pray it holds and you don’t fall off it and most of the rooms are inaccessible to wheelchair users. Their response to that was well tough, and they’re having the same attitude to the new building they’re using for the support meetings (larger cos of covid) if disabled people can’t get in well tough.
Sorry rant over.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult right now, but I'm glad to hear Samaritans helped. They are a great resource!
I'm not impressed with your support group, and I'm glad that you recognise that how they are treating you is discrimination and is also in no way acceptable. I also definitely understand why you'd be tired of fighting - is there someone you trust who is able to fight your corner for you?
I'm not sure exactly what type of support group it is, but is there another one you can find that gives a similar type of support but with less discrimination attached? I understand that searching for something new and having the anxiety of trying something new right now might be a bit much, though.
I hope you get it sorted and are able to attend something. You deserve support and care.
For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson
Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
There is another type of group but I don’t find it particularly helpful and also it’s in the evening when I have no support and woth current mobility issues I would t be able to go.
Thanks Camden.
I feel in shreds and I don’t know what exactly is the straw that broke the camels back but it’s broken alright.
Hone treatment team rang me but my support worker was here so couldn’t really say anything and tbh he wasn’t very...engaging anyway so I was just glad when the call ended.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I’m having a lot of flashbacks for some reason and most of the home treatment team is male. Crisis line has been predominantly female but sometimes I’m not in crisis as in on the edge of doing something stupid I’m just struggling and need support.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I just feel so lost… although my detox from alcohol is coming up sooner than expected which is always a win.
Saw my cpn. She wanted to know more about the voices and also about the abuse which I thought (and should be) fine with but my nightmares last night told another story.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Are you comfortable telling your CPN about that stuff? That isn't easy stuff to talk about. Nightmares are the worst. Really hope you can get some more restful sleep soon and that the detox goes okay. You don't deserve to be doing those things to yourself.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
