Hello everyone!

Anonymous_us3rr · 28-11-2023, 05:18 PM

Hello everyone!
My name is Steve but I use anonymous user as a nickname for now. I wish I had found out earlier of this forum, when I was struggling with my own problems but now I have some problems with my gf. Not relationship problems, but I want to help her to stop self harm. I have told her millions of times that I am there for her and I will never judge her for those stuff. I first posted yesterday night, and I have to say huge thanks to those that responded! I couldn't agree more with what you guys said. Thank you and sorry for my poor English

P.S. We might be young but still, I do love her.
P.S.2 I am not going to force her to stop, but she is getting through a lot of difficulties rn like school and parents. Also, she is not really looking forward into stopping it, because it is a habit, and it might be getting out of control so she has no motivation to stop. Any good reasons to tell her to stop? thanks.

Auror. · 28-11-2023, 06:04 PM

We personally don't think there are good reasons to tell someone to stop. People need to want to stop for themselves, not because of someone else or to be guilted into it or made to feel shame for what they are doing. You can't force people to change just because you want them to. That's not healthy and it's not something you have control over.

Maybe you can work on getting the right help and support you need for yourself so you can work to make your relationship as healthy as possible and not try to control someone else's actions.

eta: If she says that they want to stop, then you could help her come up with a list of reasons to stop that she decides on for herself. But that's not something to decide or make for someone else.

Anonymous_us3rr · 28-11-2023, 09:24 PM

She actually wants to stop, But she is always saying "it is a habbit, I don't think that I am able to quit it". She is scared of all those bad things that could happen, yeah you know. Also, I don't want to force her, I have gone through it and I know how it feels to be forced to stop

Auror. · 29-11-2023, 12:51 AM

Get that you are saying you don't want to force her. But saying, I need to tell her good reasons to stop can very much come across as forcing or trying to get her to stop. If she wants to stop, maybe you can suggest she try to come up with some reasons for herself, instead of you trying to come up with them for her.

Anonymous_us3rr · 29-11-2023, 04:29 PM

No this is definately not what I meant. She can't find strong reasons to use as motives to stop. We talked today and she actually wants to do so

Auror. · 29-11-2023, 04:32 PM

We understand what you are saying and that it is not what you meant. But what we are saying is that giving reasons to someone can come across as being forceful and trying to get them to stop.

If she can't come up with reasons on her own, we don't think you should just give her some. Because they won't be meaningful to her. If she can't think of strong reasons to stop, does she have strong reasons to keep doing it? Maybe she can work backwards from there or from thinking about why she wants to stop.