I sincerely hope that no one misinterprets the title but I basically wanted to know the reasons behind your recovery. I know that for most people - myself included - you can't just wake up and decide to stop.
I stopped because my younger cousin said that when she grew up, she wanted to be like me. It made me almost sick to think about her doing what I've done so since then I've tried to make up for everything I've done. I've tried to be worthy of being a role model to people who see me as one, not that there are many.
Anyway I'm starting to forget that certainty I initially felt and I wanted to hear about everyone else's story.
Oh, just as a bio about me, I've been free almost a year now and I've just started studying law. I hope to better people's lives some day.
when i really tried to stop... like not a half hearted attempt way... when i finally told my parents, and it completely unhinged my mom for a few days, she was crying all the time. which coincided with the week i had to say i had cramps and sit out from dance because i couldn't move from bandages on my stomach. so the combination of those
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
i dont know if i had one set thing which made me stop. i had tried to stop in the past mainly for other people and had failed but no i have stopped recently it was just because through dbt and therapy i have learnt to deal with my emotions and moods better, although sometimes, the urges are so strong those techniques dont work, but after years of self harming i think i finally realised that it really doesnt help, and it had got to a point where what positives it had in the past were not there any more.
that was a load of waffle but hope some of it was helpful.
Well, I tried to stop many many times. I tried so hard for so many years. But I think a few things finally put my life and difficulties into perspective would be my friend, who tried so hard to help me, and my little sister.
I told my friend about my SI. She shed so many tears trying to get me the help I needed. I didn't take the help. It hurt her so bad. Also, my little sister is so important to me. She looks up to me like no one else has. And when I was in the dark place of depression, it amazed me how she could see me in such awe and wonder. I know many people have been in that dark place and usually something good comes out of it. I had to quit, for her and my best friend. I had to quit for myself. I had to to make myself happy; to give my sister a real role model instead of a mannequin of depression and to be the best friend that shouldn't make others cry. I had to be strong and that meant getting rid of my SI, no matter how hard or painful it was.
Was it worth it?
A year and a half later, I can look back and say quitting was the hardest, most painful experiance I have ever gone through. Quitting changed my life. I'm happy. I extremly happy. I have amazing friends, an amazing sister and I finally found myself. It was worth every tear that was shed.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
"Gomenasai for everything. Gomenasai, I know I let you down. Gomenasai til the end, I never needed a friend like I do now. " - Tatu
ok this may sound stupid, but I stopped because I was ashamed. I hated myself for what I did and I knew I needed to stop but it was like an addictiont hat I couldn't stop. I also knew it wasnt healthy for me. I am an EMT and I needed to find a new way to deal with stress. I have been 2 years free now and it had been hard. There are days I think I may relapse, but I somehow find strength to stay free :)
A couple things.
1. I realized how dependent on it I was, and that I wasn't some special person that didn't get addicted to things.
2. I noticed that it was making it harder for me to deal with small problems.
3. When I don't do it, I contemplate suicide a lot less often.
I guess I stick with it partly because I know it would be immature for me to go back to hurting myself when it makes all my problems worse, and partly because it would complicate things (My Counselor would have to tell my parents :/).
Also, it would hurt my boyfriend. He treats me really well and is always willing to talk to me when I get depressed. I don't want to hurt him so that I can feel good for about five minutes.
Also also, I've been 'free' for a year. If I hurt myself now, I would feel like I was throwing away an entire year of hard work.
At the core of things though, I still want to do it. Even though all this other stuff is blatantly more important, it's still hard for me to get through the day without hurting myself. I'm just hoping that the Counselor I've started going to recently will help, because I would really like to try out being happy instead of nuts.
Last edited by popsicle : 25-09-2010 at 09:44 PM.
Reason: added stuff
I had this friend who was a SIer as well and we had a kind of ritual of supporting and helping each other and it included showing one another our injuries. Well, one time I showed him what I had done and he was like "oh, those are small and they'll heal"... It shocked me because it was so obvious he felt his injuries were far more serious than mine. I never did it again after that. I suppose I wanted to show him I'm stronger than he is... We're no longer friends because he still does it and that isn't very helpful.
The other reason was my boyfriend. He simply can't deal with SH, it made him cry and suffer. I decided I wasn't going to throw away my future with him.
I stopped because I hated the look in my mum's eyes when she saw a new wound.It made me feel like the most cruel person in the world,torturing my own parents and myself.
I am 8 months clean.
You can buy me with a coffee,I'm so cheap. Got bitten fingernails&a head full of past;Got a broken heart&your name on my cast.
&&I wanted her to tell me that she will never wake me.
I couldn't control it ,i hated how i had to miss college to go to A&E then once i was there go through the whole thing of showing the staff at A&E having to talk about it etc.
I realised after about a year and a half that no matter how much pain i felt sh never actually helped me cope emotionally i still felt the pain i felt but i had also sh.
That the scars would last for ever- i didn't want it to get any worse.
I didn't want to be doing this for the rest of my life.
It hurt me and my family so much
I was ready to stop
At 18 i turned over a 'new leaf' and i decided due to the above to stop as it didn't help me , normally it made me feel worse.
I'm happy to say that am 4 months free this tuesday:)
I just wish i had tried to have stop sooner
Easter 2007 i made a cut so deep and big that it scared the **** out of me. I felt sick for two days and it wouldnt stop bleeding. It was horrendous. A certain Queen Crabbit had to dress and close it fo me.
After that i couldnt cut deep again. After that the thought of cutting deep made me feel ill. Eventually over time the cuts got smaller and smaller. I still crave and i still slip but i still recal every moment of that terrible cut and it stops me from going back there.
The overdosing stopped pretty much once i ended up in hospital. I scared everyone at home and here. I felt ashamed. My family have seen and know about my SH. Not wanting to upset them again helps me stay safe too.
I realise that i still havent given up 100% for me and my wellbeing. Perhaps one day i will make that my overiding reason.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
A leader from my walking group. He used to SI when he was younger, and made me feel stronger, and showed me it was possible to stop. I also wanted to stop to make him proud.
I'm now 3 months free, so am getting there.
thing's really made me stop, i simply stopped because i couldn't be arsed to SI any more. cleaning up all the evidence and looking after the wounds etc etc, it just seemed like too much effort for my lazy ass to be bothered with. it's like my lethargy was stronger than how triggered i was
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
