Contains sexual abuse - Police want to interview me re. sexual assaults
I’m really scared. The police want to interview me and get me to make a statement about the other abusers. In court my ex-boyfriend implicated other people as abusers as well and they started investigating.
I literally feel sick and can’t stop shaking. I’m scared stiff of making a statement about it and telling them what happened, who did it and how. It’s really humiliating to admit what they did to me, and how they did it. I’m worried that I’m going to get in trouble because they injected me with drugs before carrying out the attacks so I’d be less resistant. What if I end up in trouble for that?
I’m trying to pretend that it didn’t happen but I can’t. I have to admit what they did to me and how they helped my so-called “boyfriend” abuse me. They are even more dangerous now. It’s a gang of 5 men that are doing this to me. I’m glad in a way that it’s been uncovered but I feel so small, humiliated, scared and vulnerable. I hate other people seeing me scared (well, terrified actually).
I’m so scared and shaken up by the thought of tomorrow that I can’t eat. I feel sick, I can’t stop shaking, I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t breathe properly. I feel cold and frozen. My feet and hands are like ice. I don’t know how I’m going to get to sleep tonight either.
Last edited by dbus-daemon : 26-10-2015 at 06:26 PM.
Reason: Removed formatting info
I'm sure it'll be okay. I can't think of anything to say that might give you some ideas for tomorrow but I just wanted to let you know that it will be okay x
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I wasn’t strong enough
And you didn’t give enough
When I needed you
I needed you
Hey love.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this!
I can absolutely relate though, in some ways, not exactly because I'm not you.
I'm currently in the middle of a court case regarding a man that had Raped me and it's extremely difficult, theres no point in lying about that.
But at some point it will feel worth it, being able to tell someone and be able to know the law is on your side, as difficult as these cases are, you really will be supported.
Im also under safeguarding regarding an ongoing exploitation situation that I'm having to slowly work on with a team and the victims support workers so I can drag a case together as quickly as possible.
I understand that right now your chest may feel tight and your brain might go quiet then loud with anxiety and moving around feels daunting and you want to call it quits but you've made the first steps.
You will not be in trouble to what them ''people'' have done to you, that was NOT your choice and that is assault. You absolutely don't need to worry about being in trouble, you are not and will not be. You just have to keep your head up and know you've doing whats best, they will support you through this.
I slept for 12 hours but it feels like I didn’t get any sleep at all. I woke every couple of hours and when I was asleep I had terrible nightmares. I don’t know what’s going to happen today at all.
They've done the forensic side of it, the swabs and stuff. I can do my statement whenever I'm ready and in my own time so that is a great relief that I'm no going to be pressured and I can do it when I feel able as they have the physical evidence. I hope I'll be ready tomorrow but I know I can't today.
What is worrying you? Write down like specifically what it is you're concerned about. That may help others know how to help but if I'm right, you're probably just scared because this is something you haven't done before, you're being brave and it's just new!
It's okay to feel scared and what helps me is reminding myself this won't be the process forever, I won't be doing this every day for the rest of my life, in a months time I'll feel totally different, in two months time I'll be worrying about something completely different, etc etc.
Try look online for some mindfulness skills, see if you can apply any to yourself to keep yourself in the moment and remind yourself to self sooth and have some ''switch off'' time.
I’ve had a few lagers and I feel a bit calmer. I’m still terrified of everything. I’ve written down what I’m worried about and I don’t know what to make of it really.
What is it that I am concerned about?
That I won’t be believed by the police as it’s not supposed to happen to men
That I’ll go to court and the abusers will get away with it, like last time
That the abusers will carry out their threats to hurt my family and friends
I have started the process now. I still feel sick and shaky. I didn’t get much sleep last night either. I had nightmares and all sorts. I’ve started my statement now, but I had to stop so we’ll continue when I am ready to do so.
The police said that another victim has come forward to talk about the same men doing the same stuff to him. I know it sounds terrible but I am sort of relieved that I’m not the only victim. I know how awful that sounds, but it is some comfort to know that it can happen to other men. I feel less alone and less ashamed. It’s less of a dirty secret now. It’s not so isolating either, because that was the hardest part.
I’m going to continue making my statement tomorrow. The hardest bit was starting it and saying what had happened to me and how it had happened. I found that incredibly hard to do.
Hopefully I'll get it finished tomorrow. It's just taking forever because there's so much to go through. There are literally over 100 incidents so it's going to take one hell of a long time and it is extremely tiring and stressful too.
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t drink, I can’t breathe.
When I do get some sleep I have horrible nightmares. Last night I dreamt hat I was at the police station. They didn’t believe me and I had to apologise to one of the abusers. He then got me into my bedroom and did stuff to me.
I don’t think I can take much more. It’s exhausting. I’m thinking about killing myself because I just can’t take the nightmares, stress and anxiety.
ETA: I've calmed down a bit now. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
Last edited by dbus-daemon : 29-10-2015 at 03:36 PM.
Reason: See ETA
Are you from the UK? Do you have a care team or something?
It's completely natural for this situation to be flooding your subconscious and messing with your emotions.
Honestly i really would recommend mindfulness, because when I get lost in these worries I don't seem to remember to do ANYTHING at all and that's already very dangerous given my ED. Mindfulness has helped to ground me and also concentrate on something else long enough to do little things like putting a small acceptable snack plan in place, ( for me this includes ensures ontop of foods throughout the day) but if I were to do a normal snack plan I'd put in things like hummous on crackers or a bowl of icecream or a few handfuls of grapes or some sweets, chocolate, two slices of toast and a yoghurt/cereal bar. Just little things if you're struggling to stomach things, snack throughout the day, make alarms in your phone/computer/something. Same with fluids, try make them a bit fun, make lattes rather than coffee's, new fruit juices, mix them with other juices, with lots of ice. smoothies etc etc. Sleep is always going to be difficult. But if you can get any anxiety meds I do think you'd benefit given you're clearly having whirlwinds of anxiety.
You will get through this, it's okay that you don't know how, what matters is you will.
Yeah I'm in Scotland. I don't have a care team sadly. I've had a Chinese takeaway so I'm feeling a bit better. I'm going to have a bottle of water as well as I'm a bit dehydrated.
Call them up and let them know.
To be honest that's fairly poor of them because thats one of the main questions asks for forensics.
There could still be traces of him.
I for example had to let them swab different parts of my body for saliva etc etc but they didn't use a condom so there were more evidence.
Just ring your officer and let them know.
Another thing I've thought about is that I did actually say "no" and told him to stop but he didn't. That means that I didn't deserve it as I did say that I didn't want him to do that to me. Maybe it's not all my fault.
