Triggering (SI) - confused, need advice

huggybear · 09-07-2007, 05:21 PM

firstly i want to apoplogise for not responding to threads here.. i have been so busy starting my depree that i have not had 10 minutes to myself lately and i really must apologise for that.. i will try harder to do so.

i really need some advice right now tho.. and i dont know where else to turn...here goes:

i had a really weird dream last night and i cant get it out of my head. It has scared me lots. Ok in this dream i was hitting my self with anything i could on my legs.. and when i woke up i was gutted that it wasnt real..now all i can think of is how much i want to do this. This isn ot normal for two reasons, one i dont hit i cut and 2 i dont do it for the pain it has always been for the blood, and yet now i want the pain i want it really badly i want to hurt and do damage its making my legs tingle at the thought of it.. its never something i would have done.. but now i want it more than ever, i am fighting ive been fighting it all day but i want it so much more than i have ever wanted anything.. its horrible and i dont know what to do.

please dont tell me to speak to a proffesional i cant ill get kicked off my course.. which is something i have wanted to do for ages and have worked hard for and am good at.. its the only thing that is making me happy right now, i am NOT depressed, stressed yes but not depressed.. there is nothing wrong apart from this need to hurt myself.

I am so confused. Sorry, Char x

Sans Peur · 09-07-2007, 05:59 PM

Hey char

dreams are always strange things, i have often had dreams of hurting myself but not in the way i normally would.

often they are connected to something going on in your life, has anythinghappened to your legs lately?

One thing it may be is built up aggression.From your post i take it that you are not getting any professional helpbut do you have any family/ friends you can talk to about problems? maybe talking about what is going on will make things easier for you.

Stress is hard to cope with, have you tried relaxation techniques?

I hope things improve with you and good luck on your course

jane x

The Hierophant · 09-07-2007, 06:06 PM

I've had dreams like that.
But it was a dream... maybe the feeling will pass.
I'm sorry I can't offer anything more supportive.
Good luck with your course... it sounds like something you really want to do.

xxx

huggybear · 09-07-2007, 06:37 PM

thanks, yeah i do have friends i can talk too.. but they dont understand, i might try ringing some tonight and talk it through. nothing has happened lately although i have moved to cutting my legs maybe that has something to do with it.. i hate dreams so much!

Destinationzero · 10-07-2007, 04:46 AM

I used to have dreams like that all the time. I have always been a big fan of dream symbolism and even life symbolism. It might sound crazy but after a while I noticed that when I SIed I would do it impulsively and it a spot that I later found had subconcious meaning. I would SI on my legs when I was feeling trapped and unable to move. It might be a long shot but could it be something having to do with a feeling that you need to get out but can't?

Pegasus71 · 10-07-2007, 04:58 PM

Don't know whether this will be any help but. . . .

My therapist, who was a good one I saw for 2 years made me write my dreams down and she'd analyse them. She said that dreams were the subconscious trying to work things out.

I only si'd in my dreams once, when I dreamt that I took a claw hammer to my legs - anyway, my therapist was pleased, she said that si'ing in my dreams was the subconscious's way of taking over and reducing the need to do it in real life.

huggybear · 10-07-2007, 07:54 PM

i know it was a dream and its silly that a dream can trigger me.. i just am scared because i now want it so much.. i want to inflict it on myself so bad and it is an urge that i cant seem to shake off.. everytime i think its gone it comes back... think that if there was no one else in the house then i would have done it by now.. partly i think it would be easier if i could just transfer it into a cut ant do that but i cant thats not going to work this time and that scares me.

i cant handle this right now i dont need these urges or ant others i just want to be ok.. no urges.. part of me wonders if they will ever dissapear or if i will have to live with this for the rest of my life.. i just dont know!!

sorry i am rambling.. i am just tryting to distract myself

x