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Old 10-07-2007, 02:39 AM   #1
chocostashchick
Callie
 
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
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Triggering (SI) - back from awful vacation

sigh
so i am back from my horrible vacation
flew in a few hours ago and i am exhasted
at this point i have been awake for like 23 hours but my mom snores really badly and we slept in the same room and so i got like no sleep the entire time i was there
that and the fact that i felt miserable the whole time made this one of the worst vacations i have ever had it was awful
i was afraid of packing any tools because of the heightened security and i got so desperate once we were there not having things it was pathetic
and after the first 4 days my mom had this meltdown in the middle of a Quiznos in Dublin saying that i hated spending time with her and we dont have the relationship she wanted and dreamed of having with a daughter and i only came for the free trip
it was awful and riduculous (i cant spell anymore can i) and i felt like an angsty teenager again (crap i dont want to insult teenagers but i cant think how else to say that) and things hadnt been that bad between us for at least 5 years (probably because until this trip i had done a really good job of making space when appropriate - that whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing)
it was terrible i felt so horrible because none of this has anything to do with her it is just how i feel but she always takes things personally
i havent had an official diagnosis or anything yet but i am pretty sure that if she found out that i was clinically depressed, her reaction would be to think "what did i do to make my daughter depressed" and then turn it all around in her head to be a horrible thing happening to her as a mother not a sad and tragic thing happening to me that nobody can or should be blamed for
i feel like gum stuck on the bottom of a shoe that has been scraped around on the pavement
and i have to be at work tomorrow bright and early at 8am fvck i am so tired
anyway i am rambling sorry but i really felt the need to vent the horribleness of that trip
i feel like a confused and annoyed and pissed off and defeated person and suddenly the idea that i am all grown up now and supposed to be taking care of myself makes me want to throw up and grab a huge blanket and huddle in a corner
i am screwing up my adult life i know it
i basically quit my job before i found a new one
and my interviews havent called back so yeah those jobs arent happening
and my lease is up end of next month and without a new job that means moving in back home with my mom.............. oh god oh god oh god i am going to die



xxxooo


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Old 10-07-2007, 02:57 AM   #2
~*forever_broken*~
You should just give up on me. I would.
 
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Hunni I'm sorry. Don't know what else to say. PMd you.
Take care of yourself. Pm me any time.
*hugs*

Alyssa



I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe



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Old 10-07-2007, 03:31 AM   #3
bleedingdragon
Lost in the Darkness searching for the Light
 
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hold on Callie

eek its a bit long sorry take your time callie,

Hey Callie, hugs you gently,
youve had a really difficult holiday when it should have been ok
You will be exhausted right now being awake like 24 hours i know how gruelling that is, i was on a holiday myself with plane journeys upto 24 hour hours. Hugs you again. And it must have been so hard for you to sleep if your mum snored.

Im sorry you were still feeling so bad as well while on holiday, I understand you about not packing your tools, a wise decision because of the hightened security . Yet i understand how scary that must have been
for you, not having any tools. I guess it must have tuff for you, please try not to be so hard on yourself, if its the first time youve been without your tools then it would have been difficult. You were bound to feel uneasy. And im sure you managed the best you could. You managed better than me, i did SI when i was on holiday in spain at my parents.

That must have been so hard to have your mum have a meltdown in the middle of Quiznos,and especially her saying she thought you hated spending time with her. And especially with your mum saying you dont have the perfect mother and daughter relationship.

Hugs you again.

you didnt deserve those words im sorry she felt that way callie.
It can be hard sometimes spending time with our parents , i have struggled myself with my parents who live in spain and me going to stay,
especially with me being depressed and all my other stuff. Im sorry its made you feel so bad when youd hoped it would be a chance to get away and relax. I hear you about making space between you and your mum.

Im sorry your mum couldnt see it from your point of view and understand and accept how you were feeling. It must be hard for you if she takes everything so personally. I m sure you want an official diagnosis, and i hear you about if your mum found out you were clinically depressed, shed blame herself , i think all parents feel that they have failed in some way. But really its not the case, I hope she sees it from your point of view if she finds out from you, what is important is understanding and accepting you Callie for who you are and what you are going through. I hope your mum can do that with you.

You have a good way of explaining things, such as you feel like gum stuck on the bottom of a shoe. I hope you manage some sleep Callie its a shame your back at work so soon.

Your not rambling , hugs you, you have every right to vent and you keep on doing it, no appologies needed. It sounds like you need some time to yourself to relax and gain some strength back,and some decent sleep,
i hope you can find this important space to recover yourself.

Hey please be gentle with yourself Callie,you have alot going on in your life right now, please take one thing at a time,ok so you quit your job before getting a new one.
You can get through this, take some slow deep breaths,if those jobs arnt answering im sure you can apply for others. Please try and be patient if you can, if you dont get everything sorted before the lease is up then
is there anywhere else you can stay other than your mums. If not try and look at it that for the short term you will be at your mums, this can help you focus on searching for a job.

please be gentle with yourself if you can, we are all here for you Callie
keep posting and
take care
Dave




" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it"
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Old 10-07-2007, 04:19 AM   #4
Destinationzero
Evie
 
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*hugs* I don't think you'll be able to change your mom. I know I can't change mine and she does the same thing. It might just be something to say that it isn't about her and that you're just at a time when you need some space. I just don't think she understands. It'll be ok though. You are NOT gum on the bottom of a shoe. You'll find a new job. Things will get better.

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