Feeling triggered

[just_different]

So i recently suffered an accident which has left me unable to do very much. I have just gone self employed and am struggling now not only with having way too much time to myself to think about things but also having lots of financial worries due to not being able to work.
I am feeling very lost and alone and becoming suicidal. And i'm sorry to say as don't really want to bring this up, but I tried going to the 'chat' room for some distraction but didn't feel very welcome there :( And now feeling even more lonely and undeserving of help
I don't have anyone to talk to no one really knows what's going on as I was left so isolated after my last visit to the psych ward I have avoided letting anybody know that anything is wrong... as far as anybody is concerned I am now 'better' whatever that means.
Please someone help? I'm beginning to feel like i really need to hurt myself now but everyone in the house is still awake
I need some advice on what I can do to get rid of some of these thoughts :(

[Cacoethes]

sorry to hear what youre going through, its sounds like a lot to deal with.

Have you looked to see if you can get any help financially?

Chat can be difficult sometimes!! I always find it hard to kind of get into conversations and a lot of people in there are chat regulars so all know each other well, but it really is a good source of support once you kind of get used to it.

why don't you want people to know how you're really feeling? they can't help if they don't know whats really going on.
Do you think you could try and get some sleep tonight and see how things are in the morning/?

[just_different]

I have looked into financial help i'm not entitled to anything. I tried to get some sleep last night but failed miserably and thought maybe going to university would help. But because i'm on crutches I needed a lift to the boat and my mum decided that boats run to whatever timetable she would like so I missed the boat. I can't think of anything worse than walking into a lecture late let alone doing so on crutches drawing more attention to myself. So i now have yet another day at home to think about how much I really hate life and don't want to be here.
It's taken every last piece of me to come on here instead of cutting right now.
I don't want people to know how i'm feeling because over the last few years i've been in and out of hospital with everyone saying things like 'well theres nothing wrong with you' or 'I don't know why you don't jut stop going to your appts' or 'you're wasting NHS time and money' and I don't want to deal with that again
I'm now in a total state as I had promised my tutor I would make it in today having missed pretty much every lecture since the start of term. Now i'm completely falling to bits about missing it I know thats totally stupid but it's the straw that broke the camels back this was the last little push I needed for a total mental break down and now i'm scared and on my own

[Guest Visitor]

That has to suck - I was recently unemployed for about three weeks, and came very close to losing my mind. The best advice I can offer you is to stay busy. There are actually legit ways to make money online these days... paid surveys, freelance writing, music reviews, etc. You can PM me for actual sites if you'd like, I don't want to be a spammer.

Try developing some sort of routine into your day - even the smallest things can help you regain structure. How severe was the accident, and how long do you think you'll be out of work? You are in a delicate situation right now. Sitting at home all day and night, with no place expecting you... again, the best thing I can think for you to do is stay busy enough so that your thoughts won't swallow you whole.

[just_different]

I am trying to get out as much as I can but I broke some of my transverse process off my sine and cracked my pelvis along with ligament and soft tissue damage :L So sometimes if I do a lot on one day I struggle to drive the next although I am now just trying to deal with it as its better than sitting at home (and before i get a lecture again about this its is perfectly safe all i am risking is slowing down healing) but i work with horses so there is very little i can do at the moment as it isn't very often people pay for safe horses to be worked with! So it will be at least a few more weeks before I can consider working like i was before.
I have looked online but got a bit worried of what would be legit or not.

I also can't sleep at all at the moment, I am unsure if the dog is keeping me up or the other way around as we are both pretty restless at night which leaves me feeling worse in the day. I have been trying to get out most days to see my horse an just sit with him for a few hours but as always
im finding concentrating when driving difficult so i am trying to limit the driving for that reason to and I cant walk very far yet either.

My gp suggested writing a blog a while ago as he said it may not only help me but others in my situation, I have started doing this and all its actually doing is terrifiying me to see some of how I feel on paper because im way more f**ked up than I thought.

And just to make things slightly more difficult the doctors in a&e and ortho obviously haven't read my medical notes because they sent me home with hundreds of strong meds (which im not sure im meant to take anyway because of my liver) which are just sitting taunting me. I didnt want to say no because I was worried if i admitted it scared me they would ring in the psychs.
I have been avoiding taking any pain meds as it worries me that I will be tempted to take more.
I'm doing everything I can right now to keep myself alive and everything seems to be working against me right now.

Im really sorry i know this all must sound so stupid but I'm just totally loosing it right now

[just_different]

got to go to see my gp this morning (one of the things i have to do to keep out of mental health service! and because i'm only allowed so many meds at one time :L) no idea what to do... want to tell him the truth but I know he'll just dismiss it, if he doesn't do that theses a chance of referral back to MHS which i really don't want.
I don't know what to do i'm increasingly suicidal and WANT help but at the same time I don't want to just be stopped without actually getting any help which is what has happened in the past :(
I just want to give up now

[JusC]

That must be terrible having ur life stopped all of a sudden and not being the person u was before. I'm sorry to hear this and u don't deserve any of it. No one should go through it but accidents do happen.

Have u been to a claims company about getting compensation for ur accident? Will that help with the bills and cost of living etc? That can give u the confidence to get on with ur life eventhough it will be hard physically. You said u been to hosptial and they not helped. How come? What is it u need help with? This takes time and I know u have gone through it and u think u been trying to help for this for ages but it's being patient and postive if u can.

Thats why trying to have ur friends and family with u can give u the support also u need. Do u have anyone to help u in ur house? You know a carer?

I think that u still in a position of not being able to support urself I would recommend if u could get in contact with The Citizens Advice Bureau about what options are out there for u and where to turn to. Also if u wanted to find out what u could be entilled to as in benefits wise then u could go onto The Direct Gov website and find out what benefits u can recieve. You not said it in debt but if u are finding it hard to pay the bills then u can find out more information on the Debt Advice Service.

If u need anyone to talk to in the mean time theres a helpline called Mind who will hopefully listen and give u advice on ur stabality in getting u to feel back to urself. You can contact them or see the website and there's The Smartians as well who will be able to listen if u need someone but try and confide in a family member or friends.

Hope that helps :)

[just_different]

The trouble is i've only recently gone self employed and got my public liability insurance sorted out but not my personal as was actually waiting for a call back from the insurance company the week I had the accident :(
I am getting around a little bit but the only way i have been able to keep my mental health under control (if thats what i can call it, basically avoiding the psych ward!) for the last few months is by keeping myself so physically tired when i'm not busy i can take my sleeping pills and just sleep.
Now i can't do that anymore and it seems like the months worth of s**t in my brain that ive ignored has all flooded back at once.
I already get disability benefits as i have aspergers syndrome and i think my mental health is included in it too which is covering some of the bills but not giving me much more.
I have tried to get back and do some work which i am managing to do and keeping myself busy but i am now suffering for doing things too quickly.

I have tried to contact both mind and the samaritains both told me to go straight to hospital or phone the mental health crisis line neither or which are really an option for me.

My GP is now wanting to refer me back to MHS :( but he has said he will talk informally to a few people first. He wants me seen by a psych asap but has promised me he won't refer em as an emergency as they will put me straight back in the psych ward he said he's going to make sure they don't mess me around like they did before as he's worried that will push me over the edge.

i'm so fed up with this all now i just want it over :(

[x-Silvermist-x]

Hi, how are you feeling this evening?

Have you been able to access any kind of therapy?

What do you think would help you at the moment?

[just_different]

I feel totally hopeless... I just feel I've tried everything to get better and now suicide is the only option left to me.
My GP is going to unofficially speak to some people as I've told him there is no way I am going back onto a psych ward. So he said he would talk to some people and see if they could actually help before he refers me as last time I was in services I was just passed around and put in hospital because no body wanted to work with me.

I need to hurt myself so badly I don't know what else to do. I need my brain to just quieten down for a little while so I can think.
I'm so close to just giving up right now. I know that if I hurt myself tonight I will go too far and I can't risk that with my parents in the house. But I'm not sure I will be able to hold it off much longer