Graphic - I haven't been here in 15 years.

[Asystole]

Hey guys.

I think I might've logged in recently just to muse and say hi.

I haven't been here in almost two decades. When I was a teenager, I had depression and anxiety (and a lot of other shit I just don't want to discuss).

I'm 36 now. Jesus Christ.

Life, my guys, has not gone as planned. Not that I had a plan. But I thought it was fair, y'know?

I've been a bit fucking unstable since, forever. You dodged a bullet, Aphelion. My behaviour has never been quite ... normal.

In my mid-thirties, shit has hit the fan. My relationships with my family, friends, and spouse have come to a head. After a particularly terrible argument with the latter recently, I was told to go to therapy. Almost within the same week, after spending a week with my brother on his couch, I've been told by him, my sister in law, my therapist, and my wife that they all think I have BPD or NPD.

I spent about a week reading up on it all, too.

It fits.

I went to a psychiatrist last week. Or, I tried to. Good old NHS. There are none – literally, there are NONE in my town because they all quit due to underfunding by the government. Instead, I got a nurse practitioner who told me she and her team can read up on my shit and essentially 'guess' at what could be going on.

Well, i could do with some answers. I am so fucking unstable - but safe, to clarify. If you knew me in the noughties on this forum, you know that I fucking love me - that I could blow up. My behaviour, in the last few months, has been fucking ridiculous. Divorce-worthy ridiculous. Gambling. Drinking. Other things I won't mention here on the slim chance that somehow, 'she' may stumble upon it. Not that I really give a fuck at this point. I'd be better off by myself since I have always excelled at taking care of myself and all her accusations are as such.

Edit: Why did I click on my profile. I miss the noughties hair. I still have loads of it, but scene has died.

[Auror.]

that sounds really hard. also we do remember you.

are you intentionally trying to sabotage your relationship? or is it that something else triggered the recent behaviors you are mentioning?

you mentioned having a therapist. even without a specific diagnosis or answers like you are wanting, maybe there are things you could still work on with the therapist? it sucks not having answers and not having access to the right people to get those answers. but that doesn't mean that there aren't ways to move forward or work on changing or stabalizing things, if that is something you want.

are you actually not wanting to be in your relationship anymore or is it that you just think that they would be better without you? because tbh, if it's that you think your spouse would be better without you, that's not solely your call to make. that would be something that your spouse should get a say in too. a bit confused with regards to what you are saying you are wanting to do and how you are wanting to move forward so apologies if we misread or misunderstood.

[Asystole]

Sorry Auror, I forgot I posted this.

I don't want to sabotage it – it's the best thing I've ever had. But the universe isn't so kind, and my job instability is up the wall. A company folded yesterday and I'm like close to just losing the house.

KMS is always appealing though.