I don't think it's possible for me to be happy. Or even content, really. I feel like I'll always have this self-inflicted misery, no matter what.
And another one...
My boyfriend is 8 and a half years older than I am. I haven't mustered the courage to tell my dad, or tell the truth when he asks.
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
You are the biggest hindrance of my life. You hinder me from getting better, from forgetting my past. You hinder me from getting a job. I wish I could just let loose and tell you how I truly feel.
I am terrified that if I tell people about my SI that they will ignore me and my problems even more than they already do.. But I want to talk about it.. I just have no one to talk to. I just wish I could erase that part of my life and forget that it ever happened. I don't want my SI to be who I am.
If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
I am so alone. That year or having you in my corner was so nice, so nice not to feel in this alone. But its harder again now. Im tired of being in this alone.
'Where did I go wrong
My life's a bargain basement, all the good shits gone
I still wanna kill myself. I've been lying to you, my best friend... Slash my ex-boyfriend... I'm sorry... I haven't improved at all... You're right to be scared of being with me again... I wish I could tell you...
Major Depression | Asperger's Syndrome | Anxiety NOS | Hints of OCD
Close your eyes. Don't you cry. Love's around you. In time, you'll fly. Don't you worry about the dark. I will light up the night with the love in my heart. I will burn like the sun that will keep you safe and warm. Like the smell of a rose on a summer's day, I will be there to take all your fears away. With the touch of my hand, I will turn your life to GOLD!
I never open up and be honest to anyone, until I know I cant cope and then end up telling people like my school counsellor, camhs , parents , brother etc, and then I end up in tears after opening up to people. xx
The only way that we can live is if we grow. The only way we can grow is if we change. The only way we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we are exposed is if we throw ourselves into the open.
If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
I'm so angry. Sometimes I just wake up angry. Angry at everything that's happened. Angry at the bastards who killed my Dad. Angry at all the people who I would of given an organ too if they needed one but who walked out my life the moment I needed them. Angry at everyone who's never lost anybody. Angry at bad people that get to have happy lives. Sometimes I'm so angry that I don't know what to do with it. This side of me never used to exist. I was beaten up and didn't even fight back. Now I get so angry that it makes me want to hit out at the people who have behaved so badly, or who don't deserve what they have. I don't know what to do with so much anger.
'Where did I go wrong
My life's a bargain basement, all the good shits gone
I am just waiting for a knock on my door then its all over, i know i will have to end it that day. I think other people realise it as well, i must be just torturing myself and others why i am still here. Not enjoying anything just existing really, its all just some kind of sick dream.
I read the psychiatrists report for the tribunal and it's bullshit! He's shown me in such a bad light, yet him, the nursing staff/HCAs, psychologists are all shown as good/perfect. Honestly the person he has described in there sounds not quite right/crazy! How am I ever going to be able to make the tribunal panel believe I'm no longer a risk when such a negative image of me has been created. The tribunal process is such a horrible experience, the waiting, getting a date and then reading various reports and then of course comes tribunal day itself. It's very daunting. I need to be okay until Wednesday then I can fall apart.
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
I enjoy doing this.
I'm not being forced. I'm not doing it against my will. Yes, I'm in desperate need of the money, but I like getting it this way.
And honestly, the danger and risk are a bonus.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
