took forever to think a title, how sad.
I feel pathetic asking for help
unworthy annoying attention seeking pathetic
to be brief; have pills, wanting to take. not as a fatal, just a....break? a relief?
But, for once im hesitating.
great, i hear you saying, then go to bed.
but i tried that.
i tried the, 'why?'
the 'why do you want to?'
the 'how will you feel after?'
i dont care.
But. For once Im scared with all that i have/the mix
i suck at this.
i always have.
i think i always came across as 'bragging' or being 'over dramatic' or' competitive' or...i dont know ...*fill in your fail here*
I *almost* see the person i wa sbefroe. i want that, even with the obvious alterations. Ok fine, I can do that...I *think*
Im trying to get hold of that me, and/or trying to get this one into some sort of life..
all i know right now is i need something.
maybe someone
i really dont know.
im a mess
im so sorry
If someone could talk to me...
im so sorry to ask.
Bottom line...I'll hate myself for this later but; I need help. Please can someone care. Can someone respond...
Romp I care so so much I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. Please hold on and keep being strong you've done great in not taking the medication.
Is there anyone you could call about how you're feeling, or even just so you're not alone?
I was feeling poorly earlier and I've been watching a dvd which I know isn't a solution but it did keep me distracted, so please do whatever you can now that is healthy to keep you distracted, including sitting here with us xx
Thx Aimee.
*phew*
contact is...idk what.
Thank you fro replying. You always do. No matter what you are facing, you still always reach out and mean it!
I tried that after 'recovery' but it wasnt working so well...>.<
Plus i think i burned bridges here...or maybe just tempers.
If i knew what specifically to apologize for to the ppl here, I would. But alas, that is an actual problem, isnt it?
I know how effective distraction can really be.Thanks A for the suggestion...so scared if i simply turn eqach down, you will simp,y give up. Why shouldnt you?!
But...why bother listing the excuses? I'll save ppl time.
Why do i want it?(The OD, the mix and the chance?)
I really dont want death out of it.
The injections would for once absolutely guarantee an end, so it isnt that.
Why do i want to go away, far away, on my own suddenly?Well, *suddenly* as in researching places for th past months
To the point of researching/ctc'ing re: rentals either 'in the bush' or on the coast?
You say it's not about dying, but these ODs can add up and do irreversible damage. I know that feeling of wanting to escape. Are you getting help from any professionals? Could you reach out to them for help in preventing an OD?
Thank you, Abbiee-123.
Just the fact someone who understands ill listen/talk...much appreciated.
Thx youknowwho for pm...cant seem to see it/get into it tho...thx tho!
I always thought i could turn this all around, you know? The only positive is finally having a proper dx. Funny how big that seemed to me.
Now?
who cares?
im still the same.
just the pills might be a different color.
iun under 2 years i have lost so much, one just revent.
i cant evn...i dont know what to say. i feel i cant trust here. not the ppl here, really.
just ...anywhere.
you know?
what does it really matter?
there are so few lives it would touch.
the close ones tho...how could i do it?
we're down to 3.
I dont know how to ask for help in a way that ppl can respond to.
i dont know how to matter.
I dont know how to be real
to 'get a life'
i felt lonely for having no real 'close' friends. opportunity came for one.
It felt like to much work, surrounded in fear/anxiety.
I know what i need to do but i cant do it. i can trick my head briefly, thats all.
You say it's not about dying, but these ODs can add up and do irreversible damage. I know that feeling of wanting to escape. Are you getting help from any professionals? Could you reach out to them for help in preventing an OD?
I hope you can fight through this. xx
Professional help right now (time wise) would be admittance.
I did re-connect but things happened and ive not made a new appt. i like her tho. been thinking of it. at least trying, then i can say, 'i tried everything'
Thx, Aimee.
I hope you are ok lovely. Not here often but i thin you were struggling a bit...sorry to hear.
You are another that i wish could see what we see...
xox
id say, "im scared'...might get replies/attention, but thats pretty shitty.
and im not.
oh im an ass.
what a socially awkward, jealous, insecure b itch i have actually become.
how do get past that??
I try!! I try to focus on the positicve, but the negative voice is cutting in before i can even complete one good thought.
i understand the 'think yourslef happy'
im wasting my life. and making those important miserable.
Would i rather them to be with me and miserable/unhappy or...?
need i finish.
no.
Don't listen to that negative voice. I know that's easier said than done. You are not wasting your life. You are going through a difficult time, but I promise that is not the end of your life. The "think yourself happy" is a relentless task. Could you not maybe accept you are feeling bad, but remind yourself that these feelings can pass? What has worked for you in the past?
I think the reality is finally hitting.
I was able to keep busy everyday; bringing her things, washing things, doctor things.
Now there is nothing.
it hurts os f ucking badly.
Knowing it was coming doesnt make it any better. not a bit.
